New and Alone 2

[cw68]

Make sure that you cover yourself. Once you get papers, seek the help of a professional asap.

[JenInVen]

Yes as soon as I get the ppers I'll ask for guidance. Especially with the Spanish...legal language is bad enough when you speak the language not alone when you a struggling with another.

I just don't see the point of getting advice when I haven't seen anything yet. I know my H is a good guy and he doesn't want to hurt me. He could go for the jugular on this but I know he doesn't have the heart to be mean and hurtful.

Jen

[JenInVen]

Well he's a lot more attentive/talkative today. He picked me up so we could buy some books for a new course and we talked on the way and back. Just light convo.

Seems his friend is a little peeved at him right now because friend thinks H is interested in a woman that friend is friends with. This woman is asking H about friend because it seems she likes friend. God I feel like we're in high school! I told H this woman isn't even his type! Gee if he was going to cheat I'd hope he went after someone a little more attractive and educated (sorry too bitchy?) Besides as H said the last thing he needs right now is a woman to complicate things. LOL I know a couple women who would love to get their hooks into him!

H was concerned about his friends attitude because friend won't even answer H's calls. I told him he should talk about it to friend and he told me to not say anything to friend. I think friend is being a DAM because he knows H is not out to get some booty and just needs to figure out his life.

Friend is a man who as far as I know never committed to his M of 20 years and has been a real d**k to his W. Has cheated both physically AND emotionally frequently but W only knows of 1 time!!! Not a good H but a good friend.

Anyways I KNOW that H isn't about to go off and mess around when his head is so clouded.

He's been texting me for the past hour but only work stuff. I think he wants me to know whats up because he's waiting to speak to the big boss at the office of the woman he had a short EA with. He wants to be on the up and up about that. I don't care anymore because I've gotten past what happened in Jan and have forgiven his one slip up in our M. It's nice that he's keeping me up to date while he's there though.

I guess that was journaling...thanks for listening/reading

Jen

[stella_k]

Well he's a lot more attentive/talkative today.

Seems his friend is a little peeved at him right now because friend thinks H is interested in a woman that friend is friends with.

I wonder, why would he tell you about it? I fail to see the message in the conversation but I'm sure there must be one...

It really starts to sound like he's trying to create some mystery!

[JenInVen]

I guess he's telling me because he was trying to figure out why friend is peeved. Thinks it's because the woman has been talking to my H. Turns out the woman is asking about friend but friend is jumping to the wrong conclusions. I came out and asked him if he was interested in her. haha

I think H is trying to be open about things. I guess to be friends and to share whats going on with him.

Jen

[stella_k]

I think H is trying to be open about things. I guess to be friends and to share whats going on with him.

I'm sure that he is reaching out to you and wants to be friends and share things with you. But I also think there is a little bit of testing going on as well. Surely he thought you'd say something about the woman!

[JenInVen]

Yes maybe a little testing.

He saw his C yesterday and I noticed a difference in him last night when we spoke on the phone (he called me) and all day today. But I think he has seen a change in me too.

The thing is this friend of H's is a cheater. He has cheated a number of times on his W (she only knows of 1 time!!) H is friends with this guy but has always told me that he is an A hole for the way he treats his W. of course we all find her overbearing ( )

In regards to the woman...she's interested in the friend not H or vice versa.

Jen

[stella_k]

If your H has called him an A hole, then surely, he is not going to be tempted by his ways

His C is obviously working!

[JenInVen]

Nah I am 99.9% sure that H wouldn't do to me what his friend does to his W.

I'm so please with the C!

[JenInVen]

Check this out...Do you guys fall guilty of any of these distortions??

Jen
************************************
The ten cognitive distortions
1. All-or-nothing thinking: All-or-nothing thoughts are characterized by absolutes. This distortion polarises a person's thinking into either extremes without any shades of grey. Perfectionist thoughts are often characterized by this distortion - they often feel if something is not perfect than it's a total failure.

2. Overgeneralization: A single negative event is seen as a never ending pattern of failure or defeat. These thoughts are characterized by words such as "always" or "never". For example, when John had a romantic rejection he thought, "Girls just don't like me. I'll always be alone."

3. Mental Filter: This is characterized by concentrating all efforts on a single negative details at the cost of other positive ones. Example: A teacher praises your essay a lot and adds in the end, "... but your handwriting is terrible, you really need to work on that." You obsess only on this negative comment for days, ignoring all the positive feedback you got.

4. Discounting the positive: You reject all positive outcomes by insisting that they "don't matter". Example: A designer, you create a great piece of art and everyone praises you. You discount it by saying, "These people have no idea. Any designer could have done this". This distortion takes the joy out of life and makes you feel frustrated and inadequate.

5. Jumping to conclusions: Without factual basis you assume things will go negatively. There are 2 formats of this distortion:

a. Mind reading: Without any confirmation, you conclude that a person is reacting negatively to you. Example: "She must think I am idiot."

b. Fortune telling: You predict a negative outcome; that "things will go bad". Example: Before an interview you might think, "I am going to mess this up and not get the job."

6. Magnification / Minimization: "Making a mountain out of a molehill" characterizes this thought pattern. You might exaggerate the importance of your problems and shortcoming and / or minimize your plus points.

7. Emotional reasoning: You assume your negative feelings reflect reality. Example: "I hate myself. This proves I am a rotten person." or "I feel angry. This means I am being treated unfairly."

8. "Should statements": You believe that things should be the way you hoped or expected. Example: "I shouldn't have scolded her." or "People should be nice to everyone." Should statements directed against yourself make you feel frustrated and guilty while those directed at other people make you feel frustrated and angry.

9. Labeling: Another form of all-or-nothing thinking, you attach a negative label to yourself or others. Example: Instead of saying you made a mistake, you label yourself a "loser". You may also label others - "He is a SOB". Labeling makes you think that the problem is with persons character, rather than his / her attitude or belief.

10 Personalization / Blame: Personalization is characterized by a tendency to hold yourself responsible for events that were beyond your control and leads to feelings of guilt, shame and inadequacy. Example: A child does something bad, and the mother thinks, "It's my fault, I am a bad mother." Blame is the opposite of personalization where you don't take any responsibility and blame other people. Example: "My girl friend is responsible for all the misery in our relationship."