Supermom meets Cookie Chick

[lizzy]

Hey CC, hoping all went well with the "talk." Happy hunting for jeans.

[JennyF]

Our little talk turned into a full blown bomb.
H finalized the details today and on May 1st he is going to be moving in with CFB. They will be renting a place almost and hour away.
But that wasn't all. He is pushing me for every other weekend and TWO overnights during the week with BOTH kids!!
I could get into the details of all that...and there are a lot, but long story short, I told him I need time to think about all of it.

The truth is, I'm spent. I'm done. I can deal with losing H, but I can't handle losing my time with my kids this way. And I'm getting ready to gear myself up to make some decisions that may send this into dirty mode. H was not impressed when I showed opposition to this stating that I'm not putting the children's best interest first. And to him the #1 priority is time with both of us. I agreed the kids need time with their Dad, but consistency is also a #1 priority with both young children, but most especially with a baby under the age of 1. I FIRMLY do not believe that it is in my S's best interest to be away from me that much. A baby needs at least one person in their life more than a 60/40 split.

But I need to let him go. I need to accept that he is moving on with his life and I need to really accept that we are over.
DISCLAIMER: I still believe he is in life crisis and that anything is possible to change. Also that once they move in with OP it may speed the ending up even faster. I get all this DB stuff and still see it's relevence.
BUT, I have to accept the current reality and plan for the future accordingly. That means accept that I am getting divorced. For my children I need to accept this so I can make the best decisions possible regarding their well-being.
I'm not saying it isn't subject to change, anything is. But if I keep clinging to this hope, then I'm not focused on the right things. And that's me and my kids. And finding happiness again...with myself. I want to be happy again...happy without him. I want to let him go.

What is killing me right now is this whole thing with my kids. I feel like a piece of soul is being ripped out...literally.
There is only so far that I am willing to let this whole thing impact me and I need to be true to myself. I'm going to fight for what I want and what I believe is right.
I will research and ask questions and seek answers to ensure I'm making the best decisions. I don't want emotion or lack of judgement to affect these decisions. I want to be clear and free of the burden of our R & M.
I don't have answers for WTF happened. I never will. H made it clear that he isn't looking that far back anymore. He keeps jamming down my throat how he is only doing what is best for the kids...but he's forgetting about the part where he didn't put them first when he began an affair a month before I got pregnant. He wasn't thinking about their best interest then. But he has erased all of that from his memory and does not believe that a repercussion of his choices should be less time with his kids.
He almost threatened to go for 50/50 if I didn't agree to the 60/40...that's why I believe it's going to get dirty if I don't give him what he wants.


If this is a D that can possibly be busted....it's going to take a miracle. If this is indeed a MLC that my H is in, it could take another year to completely play out. So in that sense, anything is possible.
But I don't know where I'll be at the point. Maybe 4 months into a relationship with the man of my dreams. Maybe not, but the point is I'm not doing myself any favours if I'm just sitting around waiting for him to change his mind.

There are too many other realities to face right now with OW meeting my kids, her becoming a part of our friends lives and a part of H's family, losing time with my kids, watching my kids have a life separate from me. All of these things are going to be hard on me, but I have to face them. If I do that with the weight of marriage still weighing on me then it's going make it even harder on myself.
I need to lift that burden so I can attack all of those other things head on.

I keep asking why these things are happening to me? Why is this my destiny? Today the answer hit me, I'm destined to overcome great things. I'm having moments where I feel like I can't make it through this and I then I just know that I will. I will overcome this. Somehow I will come out the other side better for it.

I'm not done here with these boards, and I still want to keep up my thread and will still need all of the friends I've made here...but it's safe to say that I am letting go completely and accepting this.
That was a long one...thanks if you're still reading!
J~

[phbear316]

Jenny

1st off (((((HUGS))))

I have to run out to a wake, i just skimmed your last post, I want to read it more when i get home. I will be back later on

((HUGS))

bear

[JennyF]

^

[hope2wrkitout]

Hi JF--

I have not posted in awhile, but I read daily. I still follow your situation closely because it is very similar to mine. Your H is similar to mine. Throughout all this BS he feels like your H feels and that is as long as he is still there for his kids he is not a bad dad and by no means as bad as his dad was. I used to feel like any good dad would not do this to his family, but now I just try and foster a positive relationship between my son and his father. In some ways leaving me has made him a better dad. He has S overnight 2x per week and he picks him up from school everyday. Before we seperated I could barely get him off the couch. I try to be thankful because I know some dads dissapear. It is going to be hard, but if you can, somehow muster up the courage and strength to let him keep the kids. It really is good for them. This may be a ways off, but it might be worth trying to figure out how to have a relationship with OW.

Let me just say that I let go about a month ago. My H was all about the business like your H was. I did get some signs, but then he would go right back to being an arse. Every week it would be a new and differnt bomb and I got I got tired. I got tired of the little hurts that pointed to him leaving.I got tired of questioning. I got tired of spinning my wheels. I finally realizd that this IS my life and I need to forge ahead for my son. From my experience I think that is the best thing that you can do. Start planning your life as a divorced wife. Don't do it for a reaction from H, really do it. Do what is going to work for you financially, but don't resist things because you are holding out hope. Since I have honestly let go and not for the sake of getting a reaction I have seen some changes in H. He told me he loved me for the first time in I don't know how long. He got me a card for V Day. He initiated a hug from me this past Friday and he already said he is getting me something for my birthday. I am NOT taking these things and running with them because nothing has changed with us, but it is interesting to see the change in his behavior. Also, he used to just drop son off. Now I am chasing him out

Your H is your H weather he is with you or OW. I try and keep that in mind. We have this fantasy that they are with OW and that they will be differnt and better. Not so. All the annoying crap you had to put up with so will she. I think about the next woman coming along and having to deal with my in-laws. I say good luck to her. All the stuff I could not stand someone else will have to contend with. I take small comfort in no longer having to deal with all the things that hurt me. Now someone else will have to deal with it. You deserve better. Even if better means being alone. As long as you are holding out for H in his present form it's like telling GOD you don't think you deserve more. Really and truly let it go and I honestly believe something will happen. Might be a new and better H, might be a new an better new man, but it will most certainly be a new and better JF.

[Startingover2]

I dont' have alot of time for a long post but Jenny if that were me I would go into protective mommy mode. Your son cannot be away from you that much. The courts here don't see it that much time with H is a good thing for your son. No way. Research that carefully. He may threaten but there is no way he can enforce that. A baby that small will never adjust to that kind of change all the time.

Dbing is one thing and not wanting the D, but the mental health of your kids is another.

[W2G]

((JennyF))

You are nursing.. your son should not have to be away for overnights.. I don't care if you pump 'til the cows come home.. you are nursing and it is an important bonding time with your baby.. as it is you are missing some of that valuable time already.

Your strength is amazing. And I agree that you must be meant for great things because out of great difficulties we are provided with great rewards.

You do what you need to do. I believe one day your H will wake up and realize just what he's missed out on.

[phbear316]

((cookie jenny))

Not having a child and not nursing i cannot vote on this but i totally have to agree with everyone, Way too long for a infant under one to be away for that long. I agree you can pump till the cows come home who cares. Stand you ground.

Maybe you should talk to you lawyer and see what he/she has to say. Could not hurt.

Jenny your strength is beyond amazing, and you will find much more strength to get thru this bump. YOU will. And you will do what is right for your kids.

All I have to offer is my arms wide open for you with ((HUGS))

be strong, oh who am i kidding telling you to be strong. Sorry been a long day, lost my head for a minute forgot who i was talking to. (LOL hopefully)

hugs
bear

[JenInVen]

Ok now this really hit a chord with me. How dare your H think that he can spend that much time with 2 small children! And I agree...you are nursing and neither you nor your S can be apart form each other that long. A few hours sure but over night or a whole day...no way! How insensitive can a H be really?

I nursed my D for almost 18 months and would recommend the same or longer for anyone.

Can you get medical support for this...I know Canada isn't a big BF country but surely you can get support from La Leche League or some other pro BF group. Could you maybe go to a child psychologist and ask them to support you?

Even though you might not want to fight for your M you need to do everything possible to fight your H on this.

Be strong and good luck

Jen

[blindsided1]

Jenny, I check on you everyday and I have to say today felt really horrible when I read how your sitch is going. I care about you and the wellbeing of your children. I have to agree, your son is way to young to be separated from you for such long periods of time. Please research well and find out what your rights are. We all know that you have been pretty darn accomodating to H in regards to letting him see and spend time with the kids, even at your own expense. So, I don't think anyone would see that you fighting your H on this custody matter is in any way a way to punish him. This is about your S. You are the MOST IMPORTANT person in his life and always will be.

When I ready H2Workitout's post, I cringed a little because it hurt to hear some of the things she said in the beginning (it hurt to me, maybe not to you). But, towards the end she made a lot of sense, our H's are our H's. I know that I am totally guilty of thinking that my H is being Mr. Wonderful with OW. But, the most realistic scenario is that he took all those bad qualities with him and now OW is dealing with them. I don't know if your H had a lot of bad qualities. Mine certainly did and still does. Funny enough my MIL even said the same thing: I should feel glad that I don't have to put up with those bad things on a daily basis. I am fighting with letting things go. I miss H terribly. But, I know that you are a strong woman and you can roll with the punches. Keep your head up and stand tall. What goes around, comes around.