W told me last night that she was going to see L Thursday to "Get things going and to see what her options are".
I am in a lot of pain today and don't know what to do. I quess this means she is fileing and getting ready for separation. I told her I was not leaving the house and she said she was not either. Could be a dog fight, I hope not.
Not sure how to post the links, but I am thinking of you, man. You have been trying so hard to manage through this, and it is really hard, isn't it? I feel your pain and am with you. We are not alone in this, even though it is probably one of the most awful experiences a person can go through. Keep writing and practicing self-care wherever you can. Let others support you too. Are you getting counseling for yourself? It could be a useful support.
Try not to fight her. Its a bit of a balancing act between protecting yourself and your kids, but also supporting your wife if and when she makes a decision to separate. I know its a bit radical to think that you would support that decision, but you either support it or fight it.
Here is a picture for you. A bull-fighter standing in the ring with his cape. As the bull charges him, he grabs the bull by the horns and tries to wrestle the bull to the ground. (Its messy) OR... As the bull charges him he smoothly turns his body to the side so that the bull charges past him (no inujury to the bull-fighter).
Its like you can fight the fight, by actually letting the anger and pain just brush past you. Its happening but you are in control of the situation. It doesnt leave you an exhausted bloody mess.
I promise promise promise that you are going to be OK. Better than OK you will survive and be stronger and life will be good again.
Not sure if the bull-fighter analogy helps. Let me know if you can draw a deeper analogy out of it!
I'm sorry to hear about your pain. Go with it, acknowledge it to yourself, and to others too. Go at your own pace, but you will emerge better for it. Your healing, and the well being of your kids,are what is critical here.
Your W is going to do her own thing, and you can't control that. You can control your reaction, and the future direction of your life. At times like this it's easy to rail against the universe as unfair, and see ourselves simply as victims. Try to resist that temptation. Instead, create your life one step at a time. There will be setbacks, but try to go forward after you fall down. Abandonment by those we love is one of the hardest things to deal with; you are doing admirably well.
Thanks for all your support guys. It is hard being in this house knowing she is going to the L this afternoon. I know I have no control and must start accepting this but it is very hard. Very lonely. I am seeing a Psyc but only once every three weeks. He basically says that I am in the middle of a Sh** storm and I have done nothing wrong. He asked if my marrage was a fairy tale marriage or miserable and i said it was pretty miserable for a while so he asked me to start thinking about what I was really losing if we broke up. He said to set some goals and timelines. I guess that is a way of saying to start to accept it and I have no control. My W said no more MC. Believe it or not I feel really bad for my W. This has to be a horrible decision that she is making and she is just not thinking properly about anything. I really feel bad for my kids. All I can do is sit and wait for the responce from her L. I have an awful feeling the OM/EA is pushing this and giving W some pressure but I will assume nothing. God bless and thank you for being there for me.
Glad to hear you are getting counseling. Your C sounds like a wise advisor. I'd caution against rewriting the history of your marriage. If it was miserable, acknowledge that. But don't rush to that conclusion to try to soothe your current pain. That's easy to do, but I'm convinced it will not help heal you in the long run. If YOU feel you are losing something/someone you treasured in any way, go ahead and acknowledge that. Maybe the past does look different now that you've done some reflecting. Maybe it doesn't look as rosy now as it did at the time. I know I feel that way with my own sitch. Still, I feel a sense of loss and must work through that. The danger for us LBS is we rise above our feelings of loss as a way to avoid the pain. That provides some momentary relief but will not help us in the long run.
Also, ask yourself, hard as it may be, what your failures were i the marriage. You sound like you have handled the current crisis with her very well, but look deeper. What could you have done differently in the marriage? You cannot change the past, but you can learn from it to have a better present and maybe a better future too.
We just had a long somewhat productive talk. She bought up the R and I told her that I didn't want to go there but she continued. I found out that every problem in the world including world hunger, US deficit, Global warming are all because of me. It's amazing. She is in such a fog and can not get out of it. She said she was going to talk to her L today about "next steps" not to file but I don't know of any next steps except that. I think what she wants is a physical separation. Again I am assuming.
Boy this is hard! I have to pick myself up and get back together.
I think you need to detach more. It's damn hard, so I don't say that lightly. I've gotten better at it, but still have my moments when I try to get inside her head. Guess what? Those moments always leave me nowhere. You can't get inside her head. It's clear she's in a fog and there's nothing you can do about it. You get to decide how long you are willing to hang around. You don't know when, or if, this fog will lift. Most people here say it does lift, but who knows what your W will be like when it does lift? Maybe she'll want a new R with you, maybe she won't. Neither you nor anyone else can know that now. All you know is what you feel today. And then tomorrow comes, and you get to decide all over again.
Live YOUR life without her. Do what you want to do, and don't try to figure your out. You can't. You can read any of her actions 100 different ways and you'll never know which, if any, are correct unless she tells you. Detach.
