My old Relationship ended 3 and a half years ago. I have begun a new relationship about 3 months ago.
I find that I'm not willing to put up with any bad treatment whatsoever. I find that the skills that I've used for Dbusting are going with me in this new R.
I believe that the beginning of a relationship is a very important time for setting boundaries and ground rules and so I just want to make sure that I'm not weak about it.
I believe in love, real love. But also, that you can't make anyone love you or treat you well. You can disallow them in your life though.
As nic said, it is good to see you posting over here. I enjoyed your infrequent posts over in MLC, and love what you said about using your DB lessons to get a good start in new Rs. Exactly what I've been thinking, just not put so well.
Me and my boyfriend have been together for about 3 months. We are exclusive.
He wanted to visit a friend of his in New Orleans. At first I was invited, then, without saying anything to me, he got himself a ticket for a week long trip there.
I brought up the fact that first he had wanted me to come with him and now he just went and got a ticker, he said that he didn't think I would want to take off all of those work days.
Originally we were going for an extended weekend and he got a ticket for a full week.
I let this go, but last night, the night before he was to leave he hung out with some friends who were leaving the country, instead of with me, whom he had plans with. He invited me to eat with them on their side of the town though. Anyway, we got in a fight about this over the phone.
I haven't heard from him today at all. He normally texts, emails and calls throughout the day.
My male co-worker thinks its a red flag that he went to New Orleans a party town over springbreak without me.
This guy does many really nice things for me and he's normally very considerate. ANy thoughts?
I believe that the beginning of a relationship is a very important time for setting boundaries and ground rules and so I just want to make sure that I'm not weak about it.
I am a huge believer in what you have posted. I believe that if the ground rules and/or boundaries are not established and respected upfront - the R cannot work longterm.
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My male co-worker thinks its a red flag that he went to New Orleans a party town over springbreak without me.
I don't think that going to party for a week w/o a SO is a red flag in itself. However, the fact that he was not honest and upfront about his plans to go away for a week w/o you is a red flag to me. And the fact that he unilaterally changed his mind about the extended weekend with you to weeklong w/o you is a red flag. (It is possible that he never intended to go on the weekend at all.)
I have male and female friends that sometimes take weeklong vacations w/o their SO. Escpecially friends with kids - each spouse sometimes gives the other spouse a chance to get away while they take care of the kids. However my friends include their SO in the decision making process. The SO knows where they are going and with who. There is normal and routine keeping in touch while they are away. There is nothing to hide. No one feels uncomfortable.
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This guy does many really nice things for me and he's normally very considerate.
I don't believe is score keeping - in the sense that he is usually good to you and therefore is entitled to sometimes be inconsiderate. Each interaction stands on its own is should be resolved by itself.
I have not ventured out into the R world yet. I am interested in your approach - it sounds like it may parallel my own if I ever get out there.
I'm with you co-worker on this one. Regardless of his reason, he asked you to go and then never discussed his plans until they were set. That's wierd! He owes you an explanation.
I like what AG said about usually being considerate not making it okay to NOT be considerate.
I also agree that going away - in itself - is not a red flag, but the fact that he *assumed* you wouldn't want to go is a problem.
That said, I think it's just time to set boundaries, not necessarily break up with the guy. He needs to know that it's not okay to make assumptions about what you will or won't do b/c that is bound to lead to problems later.
As for the dinner, I wouldn't take that too seriously. He invited you to go, and I'm thinking that these friends will be gone for a while, whilst he knows he'll see you in a week. I don't think it means anything about your importance to him (except in a good way, since he invited you).
It will probably be hard for you to separate how you felt with your former SO from this sitch, in the sense that it will be easy to read into his actions what might not actually be there, in a negative way. I know that I have a tendency to do that, and it is hard work to break that habit.
Nicola
Life isn't about finding yourself; it's about creating yourself My thread: Trusting God's Plan
Thanks for all the advice guys! Almost Hopeful, thanks for the welcome!
Things can be so complicated. Nicola, you are absolutely right about seperating feelings from my last sitch with this one.
BethM, When he returns I will talk to him about changing the plans without talking to me first.
AG II, I'm with you, being considerate a number of times, doesn't excuse being inconsiderate.
I think the night before thing with his friends, really wasn't terrible, it's just that I'm so concerned with setting proper boundaries now so that I'm not taken for granted or treated badly in the future.
THe way things are currently? Haven't heard from him.
The good news, infact, great news, is that I find myself operating, thinking, feeling, reacting, differently than I did in my last relationship. I feel strong and confident. I feel I deserve a good relationship and am not willing to settle for anything less.
I find that even with him gone for a week I have so many great things to do and people to see, the GAL from the dbusting really worked and now I have a full and sustaining life, with or with a significant romantic relationship. It's a much stronger place to be in.
I have self responsibility now and I like it being this way. I don't have control of other people or events, but I have control of myself. I can rely on myself. I have become my own best friend.
This weekend I'm going on a great camping trip. All the wild flowers are blooming, it's going to be great!
I totally agree with the advice you have gotten and am super happy to hear you so strong and thinking about yourself and your well being and being careful with the new guy.
I love Ag's comment about taking each situation on it's own. he was inconsiderate on a few levels and you need to look at it straight on without cutting him slack for past nice deeds.
If I were you, I would go a little dim right now. He needs to prove to you that you are worth the effort and as you said, you cannot force him to treat well, you simply have to see if he will do it. Give him the chance to pursue you and make it up to you but don't go begging for it (I know you won't, but you know what mean) and if he cannot meet your expectations, don't settle! He messed up and by going a little dim you will be sending the message that you will retreat when you are not treated with respect.
I am learning a lot myself about the kind of attention I need from a man. I need to be wooed and courted and I also have to learn how to respect myself enough not to put up with any bad behavior or disrespect.
I do think that making his spring break plans without at least informing you was showing disrespect.
