I'm going to focus on other goals for ME part 5!!!

[Virtually_Handsome]

dar,
In some cases it doesn't have to be doing different things that take more time, or more money. It can be just doing the things you already have to do with a different attitude, or in a different way. Your daughter is getting older every day, maybe there are some daily activities that she can participate more in? Have her help more in the kitchen, in a fun way. There are recipes and cookbooks for kids, she's old enough that with a little help, there is a lot she could do. And spending the time enjpying her beats the heck out of worrying about what H is doing, I'd think!

(((((dar)))))

Less of what doesn't work! What you are doing now isn't working, for you! So try to change it up, even little things.

[AmyC]

change your way of thinking about the things you already do

For some reason I just really, really like that statement, Fig...

[Maya44]

Yea, I did too. Just taking it all in.

[brandnewday]

No....

You are not taking it all in....

Because you haven't been told anything different today then you were told yesterday, or last week or the week before or the week before that.

Nobody here likes to see you in pain.

But your pain is no different then anyone else's.

We are all here by circumstance, not because it was something we chose.

I hate it that your Husband is gone.

I hate it that many posters here are suffering needlessly.

I hate it that so many children have to go without because one of their parents decided to change the rules of the game and run away.

But...

What I hate even more then all of that is the victim mentality.

Yes, you are going through some hard times.

But you have a job, and a roof over your head.

You have food in your belly and your heat is on.

You have your health.

You have money for cigarettes and coffee.

You have money to put gas in your car.

It could be worse.

Dar, IF he wants a Divorce he will get one when he is ready.

If he wanted one so badly, he would have already started the process.

Leave the Man alone.

Stop the contact.

Pretend he is far away in a Land that has no form of communication.

Or that he is lost at sea.

Or he is in outer space.

Or he is in the secret service on a mission.

Or anything you want, just stop the contact for now until you get your sh*t together and can handle any form of comunication with him.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Advice from someone who waited 4 plus years, and had her husband reconnect with her.

Up to you what you do with it.

We all acted like a martyr at least once on this trip. We all thought our pain was unique at least once.

[inmyplace]

hi dar.

I caught this:

it's like that movie Groundhogs Day. I wake up, get ready, wake D up, get her to school, go to work, come home, make dinner, do homework w/D, play a bit, get ready for bed, read in bed, go to sleep.

I have lived in a few places. Northeast, South, Midwest (very shot time), and the Mountain West. People ask me what it is like to live in all those places. I generally respond that well you do the same things but with different settings. So there is definitely that quality to life no matter where you are. The important thing is that you are doing those things you have to do. Heck, we have lotteries because people want to get out of the humdrum.

Now, I know that I am far removed from the place you are. But for me GAL isn't anything earth-shattering. My days are I get up, go to work, come home, take a class once in a while, spend time with my boys. Fairly mundane, but I like it this way. One thing I do however is take weekend trips once in a while to visit my best buddy and brother once in a while. See it doesn't have to be anything extreme. It's your life and you are comfortable with it. That is how it should be.

How is one suppposed to change when they only have so much time in one day and it doesn't fit the GAL time at all??

Change isn't always about doing things that others might see as GAL. Change really is about the way you see yourself. What is it you want to change? You don't need a list. Just start small. One thing is fine. Most answers in life tend to be simple. Let's do this the simple way. Maybe that is your key.

dar, I know you can have a better life. Somtimes, the first step is the hardest. Let's see if we can help you find that first step.

IMP

[Maya44]

The things I'm trying to do to GAL and feel better about myself right now....
*Eat better and exercise (need to really get into exercising though!)
*Reading self-esteem building books
*Scrapbooking (I'm up to D's 11th month and she's 7! I've got to get caught up!)
*Playing with D more and being a better mom (focus on us, not on R with H)

Also, here is an email I got from H this morning when I came into work. I think it's his Dear John letter to me....

Hey You,

I'm really sorry that I didn't call last night. I was so beside myself not knowing what to do about things that I kind of had a little breakdown. I still haven't made my decision about the job, the money would be great, but at the same time I know things are changing here and the position would end up being temporary. I know that there may be other opportunities but the possibility of me being considered would be difficult without having my degree. Its killing me. I have always thought I was a good person and made good decisions, but lately I just don't know any more. I wish things had played different in our life's. I'm grateful for so many things and at the same time wonder what I did so wrong that things turned out the way they did. I'm really starting to hate myself and that is not a good thing. I'm sooooo sorry that life has played such a bad trick on us. They say things happen for a reason, but this is one lesson I didn't need right now. I'm so tired of being scared, so tired of second guessing myself, so tired of not knowing anything anymore. Its really time for me to make some good decisions.

Sorry to have babbled, just need to right now. Ill give you a call later.



Am I reading this wrong, or does this sound like Dear John to you all as well?

[MissH]

Dar, it does not sound like a Dear John letter, it sounds just like something a MLCer would write. He is writing about his feelings and wants to be heard. You are just getting an insight to his screwed up mind.

Please don't over analyze it, it will just get you spinning.

[AliSuddenly]

Oh dear Dar, sorry you got that at work, it sounds very sad for him. And uh...no, I dont. A dear John letter is one left on the table, when the person has left. And isnt coming back. He said "I'll give you a call later"... so, um, theres more to say ?? Not quite the same thing I think? He sounds very confused.

He says some really significant stuff..like he was beside himself, that he had a little breakdown, that its "killing" him, that lately he doesnt know if he is a good person, that he hates himself ! Theres an awful lot of bad stuff in such a short email, its completely negative and reproachful and he sounds very lost and in a bad way mentally. Is that what you thought?

I dont know whats going on with your H but he sounds depressed for sure. Is he getting any help with that? I think you should seriously not put any pressure on him right now and no R talks, just be there for him IF he contacts you. But then he ends it with the realisation that he has to make some good decisions. So I dont know what he means by that, but as he said he will call you, maybe you will find out some more.

Did you reply?? I wouldnt say much if you do, maybe, "Thanks for emailing me, no need to apologise for babbling on, you werent and besides I am always here for you. I'll speak to you later then if you call."

?

[Maya44]

Wow, really? I thought for sure it's a Dear John letter. But yes, I did see all the confusion, MLC, depression in this email. When he called me last weekend, he said he was going to talk to his parents about moving back in with them and about how crappy he's feeling. I asked him then if he'd consider going to a doctor for meds and he said he just wants to talk to his parents first (both shrinks, but VERY good at the mind games!) I don't know how that talk panned out though. He always says "I'll call you later" and later never comes around though.

Thanks for helping me see this letter in a different light.