H is having affair after all

[LL44]

I see OW at least once a week. She goes from being brazen (handing my kids Halloween candy in the fall saying "Here you go sweetheart" in a really sappy lovey voice) to avoiding me altogether. According to OW's H, she cries almost every time she sees me (afterwards), but whatever.

Point is, OW mean nothing to us. Nothing. Don't spend good money unless its on yourself for a massage or pedicure. limbo is sooo right, nothing will change what your H chooses to do. Nothing. He might lie his tail off about OW, but stop asking. In your mind, just assume its still going on and then turn your thinking off and onto better things.

[seekpeaceofmind]

How can i DB when she is still around, stand no chance, why can't i accept its over?

I think right now DBing techniques are for you - so that you don't rush into anything while emotions are high, so that you can wait and make your own decisions when you are ready, so that if you still feel you really do want to reconcile you aren't having to cross too many battle lines to do so. I don't know if you are at "last resort" stage or not but, as you've said, right now you just want space for yourself to deal with this new development. That to me is DBing - as opposed to the ranting, raving, attacking stance that a lot people might take if they weren't in DB mode.

It's not over yet - far from it.

(((evie)))

[Holly06]

TJ and I are still separated. We are "working" on a reconcilliation. Slowly, and surely. It is a courtship, one I deserve, and TJ seems to be enjoying too!

TJ left Feb 4, 2006. We were "separated". We were hopeful to work it out.

Nothing really bad happened, expect a MLC. He is pretty typical, and yet an individual in this life crisis.
So we agreed to divorce, THEN I found DB. Just by finding this, and exploring options, I understood that this was not over, if I did not want it over. I HAD to let him go GAL and take care of me, while having him begin the D process. I did read the book, found this website, and did some DB coaching. All very valuable.

I set the goal of TJ telling me, OK, let's try again, and then with coaching set smaller baby step goals. I saw a few very early signs that MAYBE this was tough for TJ too. Well, he found a new job 4 hours away, and he moved in July, and end of August he called and said that he had met someone, and that they were living together......

He dragged his feet on the divorce.

Well, I did want my marriage back, and I was hopeful. I became intune to myself, and began a closer relationship with God. I got many signs, that I was going to be OK and somehow I knew that TJ was not done with me yet.
My counselor confirmed this. (not DB coach, they don't go there, solution focused).....

I believe it takes great strength and love to do what I am doing, as you see all over the boards. I can not concern myself with people who judge me to be a doormat, or pathetic. THat is their problem, I know better.

Love is unconditional. I would love my girls with these huge faults and hurtful ways. Why is my H any different?

I feel enlightened, and if anyone cares to ask I will be happy to share with them.

I always felt hopeful.

I know I wanted to be happy again. With or without TJ. I wanted him in my life, but I grew to want, not NEED him for my happiness. I also knew I would be OK, and totally get that my happiness is my responsibility, and not hinging on TJ's ability to make me happy.
So I got a life, and planned to be OK without him, but knew we had a deeper connection.
It took time, but it is amazing how letting go, and becoming a wonderful independent woman attracts men, including my H.
A good read is Phil DeLuca's Solo Partner. Flip right to the chapter on pursuit and distancing. Truly, the heart of what is going on in your relationship.
You will GET it once you read.


Hugs and Cheers,

I will check in again, and I am truly here to help and support.
Ask anything. I am here.

Holly aka Hoooollly when I spin to long on the stripper pole.

[Holly06]

Evie,

ss why hire someone to follow him? Save the $ or spend it on yourself. Assume it is still going on, and leave it at that. He is still lost, still misguided and still a bit narcissistic.
The sooner you spend positive energy on heeling yourself instead of trying to prove yourself right, is the day you will feel better, and Toots, I want you to FEEL better. I know feeling "good" or "ok" is a stretch but I want you to feel better. Spend all this energy on YOU.

Why do you need to know?

What you need to know will come your way innocently.

I want you to do something for me.

Assume your H is psychically in tune to you. He know that you still love him and would take him back in a heartbeat. Why should he change anything when he has 2 women that fill his love ego up?

Now imagine that you shut off the tune in method. He doesn't know how you are feeling, and worse, you act as if you have accepted this and moved on and are OK.
He will find other ways to keep tabs on you, because he has to keep some connections to you, because, he does still love you, and he doesn't want to lose you, he just doesn't know it, he is not in tune with his own unconscious.

There are lots of references that I can send your way to support this, but it is too early for you yet.

If you are going to continue a marriage with your H, then you need to get patient. And settle in for a long haul, maybe a year before you get any positive actions that will give you some hope.
It could be longer, or shorter, but it seems best to prepare you for longer, because then you are pleasantly surprised.
The first 3 or 4 months crawl by, but as you become better at applying the "recipe for success" then it gets easier, and maybe even a little fun.!!!!!
Then the time flies by at a better clip.

So LET IT GO!!!!!!!!!
focus all your strength on you and your children. They deserve it, H does not at this time.

[BeingMe]

Perhaps you should get a Separation Agreement in place, so you won't be responsible for his private spending?

I just cannot imagine how you must be feeling with him away with your son, and the OW!

[LL44]

There are lots of references that I can send your way to support this, but it is too early for you yet.

I would be very interested in these!!

[Evie]

Thanks guys, i really need your support right now. Your supportive words and hugs and encouragement have got me through this week.

Holly - i have ordered the book that you mentioned.

As predicted H has started constant email contact. On Thursday morning I had 3 emails at work. Doesn't sound a lot, but given the fact that I could barely function it was all a bit too overwhelming. It mainly started on Tuesday, I had parents evening at school for the boys which H couldn't attend, due to work.

He emailed me the next morning to ask how I had got on, I gave a brief albeit geist of the conversation. He emailed back and said 'could i not elaborate' there must be more, i said there was a little mainly conversation type stuff, but i was too busy to go into at work.

Nest morning i had an email of H that said he was waiting for more info about the parents evening and also he was making small talk about my boss. I was really cross to be honest about the chitty chatty very casual way he was talking. I said, there wasn't much more to say about the parents evening really and I had no intention on making small talk or casual chit chat with him, could he please leave me alone at work.

Then i had another email from him, saying he was angry with me for with holding information from him about the boys, we had to work together where the boys were concerned, he was angry that i had changed the password on the computer at home (he couldn't log on to it from work)he needed access to the house and would i leave a key for him, he wanted to know what i was going to do with the business, b/c it was all in his name and he would be blacklisted, on and on and on.

I sent this email in return (by this time i was in a state of high anxiety):


''Yes I agree, but right now this week I would like a bit of understanding from you. There is a time and a place and I don't want to talk about this while I'm at work. I'm busy.

There isn't much more to say about the boys, I'm not been difficult, that was the geist, if you're not happy with that, then maybe have a word with the teachers in the morning.

You have had the knowledge of your affair for the last few months, I've known about it for a week, I'm devastated and struggling with it and need time and space to start to heal and move on.

I feel that you do not have any compassion, sympathy or regard for my feelings right now, and I'm sorry if you're angry, but you can't expect me to accept it and be ok with it. This isn't what I wanted for us and it has come as a huge shock.

There is a lot I still want answers to, but accept I'll probably never know the truth from you.

No more correspondence please while I'm at work'

At this point, i made an appointment with my Dr and went off to the surgery (she has given me some medication, diazepam, 2mg, to take as and when to calm me down).

When i got back to work, there was another email from H, i decided that i needed to state a boundary so I sent him another email (by this time the happy pills had kicked in and i was quite calm):

''Another email.
I feel now is the time to set some boundaries, at least concerning communication. May we at least agree for the next 4 weeks - when we can reassess, that communication between us is on urgent matters only. And this urgent communication is to be out of office hours only, unless concerning the boys.

I know you want answers and reassurances. I am not making any decisions at the moment; I need to get through the next few weeks first. You are welcome to come to house for ski equipment, French property details, dvds etc. Just text me when you want to come.

The business will continue as normal.

I trust you will understand and respect this request. Please do not read anything into this other than I need time and space.''

I had another 2 emails following this and 3 emails on my home computer.... He just isn't getting the message..

I went to see a counsellor last night as well. I talked she listened. I go back on tuesday. The small amount she did say, was that she sensed i was very strong and that H was immature and seemed unable to cope with commitment and responsibilty and didn't seem to be handling 'my' rejection of him at all well. I told her he seemed to justify his affair by saying it started when we had split up and from his point of view he was a single man and if that was the case why she thought he hadn't let go and come clean with me? She said he was probably hedging his bets. I said that right now my hope for the future was a reconsilition, she said right now the focus was on me and getting me through this.

I had a good day at work. Logged onto my home computer and i have another email from H, asking me to answer his 3 emails from last night....He must think i sit on my arse all night with nothing better to do, i've just taken another happy pill as i could feel the anxiety coming on.

He'd trying to push my buttons and i'm just not reacting, i'm not reacting the way he thought I would. I think he thinks i'm too calm and is worried what my next move will be.

Wishing you all a fab weekend.

X Evie

[saffie]

Eve,

I am being a bit thick here - I thought he had already gone away on the ski trip - is that not so?

[Evie]

saffie - no they leave next thursday - 20th March, sorry for the confusion.

x evie

[Holly06]

He will get the message only through your actions.

Respond only to items regarding the children, and only on the terms you outlined.

You could set a further boundary for 1 email a day, you will look at the first, and delete the second and third..........

He will learn only from your actions that follow what you state to him.

Doing it by email will help you keep a legal record of what you say.
They have a way of rewriting history, faulty memory about what was really said.


Limits will give you space and time you need to heal.