Supermom meets Cookie Chick

[JennyF]

Our little talk turned into a full blown bomb.
H finalized the details today and on May 1st he is going to be moving in with CFB. They will be renting a place almost and hour away.
But that wasn't all. He is pushing me for every other weekend and TWO overnights during the week with BOTH kids!!
I could get into the details of all that...and there are a lot, but long story short, I told him I need time to think about all of it.

The truth is, I'm spent. I'm done. I can deal with losing H, but I can't handle losing my time with my kids this way. And I'm getting ready to gear myself up to make some decisions that may send this into dirty mode. H was not impressed when I showed opposition to this stating that I'm not putting the children's best interest first. And to him the #1 priority is time with both of us. I agreed the kids need time with their Dad, but consistency is also a #1 priority with both young children, but most especially with a baby under the age of 1. I FIRMLY do not believe that it is in my S's best interest to be away from me that much. A baby needs at least one person in their life more than a 60/40 split.

But I need to let him go. I need to accept that he is moving on with his life and I need to really accept that we are over.
DISCLAIMER: I still believe he is in life crisis and that anything is possible to change. Also that once they move in with OP it may speed the ending up even faster. I get all this DB stuff and still see it's relevence.
BUT, I have to accept the current reality and plan for the future accordingly. That means accept that I am getting divorced. For my children I need to accept this so I can make the best decisions possible regarding their well-being.
I'm not saying it isn't subject to change, anything is. But if I keep clinging to this hope, then I'm not focused on the right things. And that's me and my kids. And finding happiness again...with myself. I want to be happy again...happy without him. I want to let him go.

What is killing me right now is this whole thing with my kids. I feel like a piece of soul is being ripped out...literally.
There is only so far that I am willing to let this whole thing impact me and I need to be true to myself. I'm going to fight for what I want and what I believe is right.
I will research and ask questions and seek answers to ensure I'm making the best decisions. I don't want emotion or lack of judgement to affect these decisions. I want to be clear and free of the burden of our R & M.
I don't have answers for WTF happened. I never will. H made it clear that he isn't looking that far back anymore. He keeps jamming down my throat how he is only doing what is best for the kids...but he's forgetting about the part where he didn't put them first when he began an affair a month before I got pregnant. He wasn't thinking about their best interest then. But he has erased all of that from his memory and does not believe that a repercussion of his choices should be less time with his kids.
He almost threatened to go for 50/50 if I didn't agree to the 60/40...that's why I believe it's going to get dirty if I don't give him what he wants.


If this is a D that can possibly be busted....it's going to take a miracle. If this is indeed a MLC that my H is in, it could take another year to completely play out. So in that sense, anything is possible.
But I don't know where I'll be at the point. Maybe 4 months into a relationship with the man of my dreams. Maybe not, but the point is I'm not doing myself any favours if I'm just sitting around waiting for him to change his mind.

There are too many other realities to face right now with OW meeting my kids, her becoming a part of our friends lives and a part of H's family, losing time with my kids, watching my kids have a life separate from me. All of these things are going to be hard on me, but I have to face them. If I do that with the weight of marriage still weighing on me then it's going make it even harder on myself.
I need to lift that burden so I can attack all of those other things head on.

I keep asking why these things are happening to me? Why is this my destiny? Today the answer hit me, I'm destined to overcome great things. I'm having moments where I feel like I can't make it through this and I then I just know that I will. I will overcome this. Somehow I will come out the other side better for it.

I'm not done here with these boards, and I still want to keep up my thread and will still need all of the friends I've made here...but it's safe to say that I am letting go completely and accepting this.
That was a long one...thanks if you're still reading!
J~