The flame is flickering out...

[SirPrizeMe]

here is what a friend of mine wrote to me in January 2007:

Dude: I've been thinking. I know I am far removed from your situation and also very much doubt I have any real insight to offer anyway, but I'm offering the following anyway for what little it may be worth. Please take it with a giant grain of salt. Not sharing it with anyone else.

I'm worried that things are going to get worse before they get better. My fear is that your wife could already be checked out, and that she is (perhaps subconsciously) going through the motions to give you time to come to the same conclusions that she has, or (this is a cynical thought) even to position herself to get things she wants (again maybe subconsciously) after a future split. That is not based on any direct interactions, but rather on your comments about her behavior. In the mean time, you are walking on egg shells. She gets to vent her anger at you, but you don't have any way to fight back or to really reconcile thereafter---the latter is the more concerning one. You can't keep taking it on the chin and come back smiling.

If I were in your shoes, I was thinking about what I would want to say when I found the opportunity---understood that you do not think that you are in a position to do this now, but I think the situation may fester until you can find the way to get there (if there is a way) ...


Wife: We are on a path that is going to divide our family, cause financial hardship for all of us (e.g., selling the house that we cannot afford unless we're together), and lead to substantial time apart for each of us from our children. I don't want this to happen, but you have to meet me half way if we are to prevent it.

I have acknowledged that I haven't always been what you needed me to be; that I could have done better in our relationship; that I can sometimes be angry and scary; I'm working on those things. But all succesful relationships require balance, and we are out of balance until you also face some of the wrongs that you have done.

For now, I will work on my stuff with kids and making myself better person in general, but we cannot continue to work on fixing our relationship until

1. You work to remember things as they truly were. Every one of your friends will tell you that you used to be happy with me and in our marriage, despite my failings. The current situation is simply a no win for me--in your eyes I can do no right and you can do no wrong. You are both trying to hurt me (and I have been deeply hurt already), and put me in a position where I can't fight back, and without some more balance, we cannot reconcile thereafter.
2. You agree that while we are together, we are together. That you are working on our relationship, and don't have one foot out the door. That you are not biding your time, trying to more gently push me out the door. This is a death of 1000 cuts. Instead, you have to have the guts to sign up to do our best to fix this for say the next year, or else say that you'll make no such effort and that you want out.
3. And no matter all my failings which I acknowledge and regret, what you did that put seven children at risk was behavior that you regret, and will never do again.

Without these, I don't see that we can make progress. All that happens is more hurt.

Sorry. Wish I had something more compelling to offer you. Anytime you need a sounding board, I'm here. You have as high integrity as anyone I know, and while you can sometimes be a bit of a hothead (I would say passionate instead), I have never seen you lose control. Yer kids know that you have a heart of gold, so work to change, but don't beat yourself up, and don't change much.

This is R talk and demands and ultimatims. All absolute no-no's in divorce busting. But in retrospect, it could have saved me a ton of trouble and probably money too, and right now I would be enjoying more time with my kids, one way or the other.