The Context All during the summer of 2006, while W was carrying on her affair, we had been planning to move the family across the country, away from all our extended family and friends. The move was her idea. By July, it was all arranged. The close date on the new house was 10 days away. We'd be making a huge new financial commitment, double our previous mortgage. And of course we had the original house we'd continue to pay for until it was sold. It all felt like big changes to me, financial risks, emotional stresses. These were changes for our family that I would only consider if I thought we were solid as a married couple.
After the initial shock wore off, I spoke to my wife about this commitment - what would we do about the planned move? She told me she wanted to stay with me. She never wanted to break up the family. She felt horrible about what she had done. I accepted responsibility for my part. We pledged to each other that we would make it work. Together we decided to go through with the move.
Attempts at Recovery She repeated to me all the standard language about affairs: OM and I had a connection, we're on the same frequency, we're soulmates, we were together in a previous life (no, seriously!), etc. W even said that her affair was "textbook", and I agreed. I agreed that I bore a responsibility for allowing the marriage to deteriorate to the point where an affair would even be conceivable. But she seemed to honestly want to end it. She opened up and disclosed her deceits, her phone logs, her tricks, her lies, her secret email account, her ruses. She wrote to me: "No more lies. Ever."
We both agreed that marriage counseling would help us, but the move delayed the start of it. In August 2006, W turned 40. I gave her a BMW Z4 Convertible. In September 2006, wife started individual counseling on her own - refused to tell me what it was about. She and I started counseling together, in November 2006, 4 months after I learned of the affair. Somehow we never really got on track. W continued to communicate with the other man. She gave up on counseling after 4 months. She continued to lie.
A Growing Distance Since then, W's complaints about me have escalated as time went on. In fall of 2006, it started with: I (me) was always unhappy. This was the reason she strayed. Later the list of complaints grew to include I was scary, especially to the kids. I accepted that and worked on that earnestly. She was right, it was a valid complaint. I made progress on that. But the list of complaints just kept growing. By January 2007, it included I was controlling. I did not know how to fix that one. There certainly was truth to it - in the first week after my learning of the affair, I suggested she change her cell phone number, I suggested we block the man's phone from our house, I suggested we block his email account. When she told me of the secret email account she used to connect with him, I asked for her password, and I read the email trail back-and-forth with her boyfriend, as they planned their trysts, traded love poems, and excoriated their defenseless spouses. it was horrible to read.
So yes, I was controlling, especially around the affair. I'm sure it felt very invasive for her. I see that now. But I relinquished that. It stopped quickly. I don't read her email. I don't review her cellphone records. I don't monitor her calendar. I did not monitor our checking account. (She managed the family money).
In March 2007, in therapy, W expressed a feelign of hopelessness about us. Later than month, we went on a family trip to Hawaii. Our whole family in paradise! But she was morose the entire time. On that trip, we made love once (her idea) and she wept afterwards. In April 2007, W moved out of the bedroom for "space". In summer 2007, W begain drinking more heavily. She added some new detail to the controlling allegation: that I blocked her from having friends (not true (except for OM)); that interfered with her relationship with her family. (Not true). And a million other weird complaints. None of which I agreed with. I did not know how to address the complaints, because I wasn't doing these things. She also escalated her complaints of my temper, inventing stories of outbursts on my part, which did not occur. I was stupefied. Our shared history was slowly turning blacker and blacker in her mind. I couldn't fix these things. I hoped, acted as if, kept on going. We still had dinner every night as a family, though she refused to share a bed with me.
Then in October 2007, W played the "abuse" card - she asserted that I was abusive to her for 20 years, that I have restricted her hobbies (totally untrue), that I have chased her through the house and grabbed her violently (totally not true). She alleged that I myself was unfaithful, which was at once an unfounded allegation and also completely untrue. In January 2008, she alleged that I secretly hacked into her computer and copied her files. Not true. Things are starting to look weirder. In February 2008, she added that I have never been involved with the kids, and that I was calling her friends to intimidate them. ok, now this is beyond ludicrous - it is paranoid. There is no other word for it. She is now saying that our move across the country was because of a job transfer for me. But this is exactly backwards. We decided to move, and then I got a new job. Her memory is clearly distorted.
Why am I the one to be out of the house? When we separated September 1st 2007, I moved out and she stayed in the house with the kids. I told her I was moving out and we needed to sell the house. as I pulled away, she immediately (reflexively?) drew closer, asking me to return to counseling, asking me to not force the sale of the house.
We wrote up a "controlled separation" agreement, stating in part that, We'd date each other, we'd go back to counseling or Retrouvaille, and that neither of us would file for divorce for 3 months. None of those things happened. She filed papers November 27th. I later learned she had been preparing to divorce since September, getting financial statements, etc. The "agreement" in retrospect seems like a way to keep me flat footed while she prepared her legal case. I also learned in retrospect that I should have gotten legal help before leaving the house.
Despite the mess in the fall, Christmas was nice - we spent it together with the kids. I slept in the same house with her, first time in 4 months, at her invitation. On Christmas Eve, when all the kids were asleep, we shared a bottle of wine and some quiet conversation. She gave me a kiss on the cheek - first one in 5-6 months. It was nice. Since then I have been asking to discuss separating finances, custody arrangements, and that makes her very angry. She has pulled back pretty strongly, refusing all contact with me via the DV restraining order. She is asserting that she is deeply afraid of me.
OM is three states away, is dating other women, his divorce is proceeding or possibly done. He sees his 3 children rarely. He is a pariah among all my friends from college, who still keep in touch. W and OM still connect regularly. She visits him. I believe they talk regularly, if not every day. In January, W told me they are "just friends" now, and always will be. Remember, this is her former "soulmate".
