The flame is flickering out...

[SirPrizeMe]

Some of my friends say I am crazy for thinking there is any flame at all...

As is my tradition with the start of a new thread, here is the sitch recap.

Current Situation
I am out of the house, living rent free with a friend. Wife remains in the marital home. She filed for divorce in November 2007. Followed up with a restraining order, alleging domestic violence, in February. I am out of the house, I don't have my wife, don't have my things, my full paycheck goes to the wife, and I get to see the kids 9 hours per week.

Some Background
W's parents divorced when she was 6. Father remarried and lost touch with W and her sis, no child support payments, etc. W's mom became an alcoholic, had a series of short term physical relationships with men, in the house. There was lots of drinking, some drugs. The family house fell into disrepair, they were poor, W hated her situation, her parents. She was ashamed of her mom. Her mom is an active alcoholic now.

W and I met in college. I'm from a big Italian family, I am # 5 of 7 siblings. W loved the big family, was close with all my sibs. W was closer with my parents than with her own. My parents loved her, truly, sweetly, like their own daughter.

My mom and dad fell into poor health, Dad smoked too much and died suddenly of heart attack in 2002. Mom diagnosed with breast cancer later the same year. Mom died in late 2004. I took my dad's sudden death hard; Mom's death was hard too, but not unexpected. In retrospect, it sure seems like these were big blows to my W, too. Maybe re-living the abandonment she experienced from her *own* parents. Seems to fit the pattern of a MLC trigger.

Around the time of the passing of my mom, W began showing signs of feeling antsy. Changed her hair color often. Not terribly satisfied with her deal. Talked about breast augmentation surgery. Got a hearing aid. Had surgery for varicose veins. In 2004/5, we went through a period where we didn't make love for 10 months. After a pattern of rejections of my advances, I resolved on my own to stop initiating, and to wait for her. It was a long wait. In the end she never initiated, I just got tired of waiting. She didn't even notice it, expressed disbelief when I told her how long it had been. We talked about it, I suggested counseling. She declined. She resolved to focus more on our physical relationship. Later, we went to Paris on a vacation, just us two; she confided to her friend that even there she was not happy. I did not know.

The Crisis Revealed
Spring 2006, my job had changed, I began travelling more often. At the same time our best family friends were going through some marriage troubles. The wife/mother from that family took a job in another state, came home only on weekends. W and the man (my best friend), both stay at home parents, became closer. W told me that the physical affair between my wife and the OM started in May 2006 during a crisis in the OM's relationship with his wife (he had had a vasectomy, but his wife somehow got pregnant). I believe the emotional affair started long before that.

The wife of the man discovered the affair in July 2006, and called to let me know. I was devastated. The very first night I locked her out of the house. I actually picked her up and dropped her in the front yard. It was the first and only physical confrontation I ever had with my wife. This has now come back to haunt me as the justification for a domestic violence restraining order.

The next day she came back to the house, but obviously it was tense. She was hurt by what I had done, what she had done. Me too.

(More in next post)