Just looking in , only have a few minutes as I am off to work , I just wanted to post so I can find you later. hope your MC goes well. At this stage be patient, also do not push for what you want , I know you want to fix things now but thats not the reality.
Your focus needs to be on the person you can change , and thats you . Back later
Thanks for checking in. The session was uncomfortable because the MC became suddenly very ill in the middle of the session and was not able to complete the meeting. This was hard because we were in the middle of some difficult and tender pieces and did not really get to close or see any of it through. It wasn't a very optimistic piece that we were in the midst of when she took ill, either. A very unusual event, to be sure, but I feel incredibly sad right now.
W. and I both felt uncomfortable, and had a bite to eat afterwards. I found myself feeling nauseous the whole time. I was looking at her trying to memorize everything about the moment, because I feel like I'll never share this again with her. Just trying to soak up what her face looks like. I just got a sense from W. that this is really over for her. She was referring to our relationship in the past tense ("we used to...").
MC was checking to see where we were at: if we believed that it could be re-engaged because one aspect had gradually eroded (which I think MC believes) or if it really was done for W. W. said she wasn't sure because the connection felt very good in so many ways but wasn't able to articulate quite what she did want...and said she wondered know if she was "dragging it out". She said she was "waiting to see how things unfold"...but it felt to me like she really is done. I could be reading too strongly into this, but I really feel devastated right now.
I said that having her in a relationship with me out of guilt really wouldn't be what I want, nor to put pressure on her.
I feel completely distressed and hopeless right now. As we parted today, W. said, "have a good week...talk to you later". No plans to see each other though. Next MC is one week. I wanted so desperately to say how much I yearn to be with her, miss her, love her. I wanted to hold her so much. Oh, I can't tell you how powerful and awful this felt--I felt like I was dying inside with that going on and trying to remain somewhat together.
I feel this is so futile and miss her so much that I physically feel pain inside. This is so hard, I feel terribly broken hearted. I have never felt such an swful sense of missing someone before. I feel so hopeless, like this is all over. I can't tell how to read any of this anymore. I feel SO empty and hurting.
Purr...my heart goes out to you. I'm so sorry, I can imagine how much it hurts, as you so eloquently described. Its very unfortunate that the MC left you "hanging" sa you say at that juncture..but you did go for food after, so she is able to spend time with you even after that. No wonder you felt sick and couldnt eat, you are so emotionally churned up. Your W has distance as she is the one whose done this, so may have been more numb. One thing that struck me though, she said she was "waiting to see how things unfold" ... that doesnt sound like a definite "its over", but I can imagine from your point of view it does feel that way. Sometimes things have to get worse before they get better, or sometimes I guess that could be it. Are your instincts really telling you that? Or are you just missing her so terribly and very upset?
Maybe sleep on it...she said "talk to you later", so maybe she will contact you before the next MC session. Also, referring to your R in the past tense is perhaps only natural, as whatever you had before has come to a halt. She also did say that your connection was good in so many ways, so theres still something there, although she sounds very withdrawn from you right now and confused?
It hurts so much becuase she is doing this to you, without your say or consent, she has taken away all your power, its stressful and agonising and incomprehensible, I know and yes it hurts so much. But be gentle with yourself. Are you getting any other counselling, someone you can pour this out to, other than MC? I found that really helpful when I felt that heartbroken (as I still do, but I am more used to it now and I am past the physical pain point you describe). Think about getting your own weekly C session as well?
Thinking of you Purr, I so hoped there would be a little uplifting news after today, but it wasnt a full session like you say...and at least she is committed to next weeks session and a lot can change in a week. Keep thinking about your DBing, dont give up hope just yet..its not over till the fat lady etc.
Thanks very much for your post and support. I've been pretty teary the last few hours, feeling some of that grieving sadness and frustration. I am feeling just at a loss. I feel like no matter what I do or don't do, it's not going to be enough. That's one of my issues that gets triggered sometimes and runs really deep. I have been trying to GAL, but it feels so small and insufficient in a way. My W. already has a lot more of a life. Then I compare myself and start putting me down, which I'm sure doesn't make me attractive. At the same time, I sometimes feel so crap, like I'm trying hard to hold a space for things, GAL, work.
I feel this is so futile and miss her so much that I physically feel pain inside. This is so hard, I feel terribly broken hearted. I have never felt such an swful sense of missing someone before. I feel so hopeless, like this is all over. I can't tell how to read any of this anymore. I feel SO empty and hurting.
Tears because I know so much how this feels , I know its going to be of little help but its something that you will get through , its part of the process.
The positives
Its great that shes going to counciling ( My W has always refused ) Its great that even at this stage she shows that she cares even if she thinks your R is over.
Right now you need to take your focus off her and firmly on to you and what you need to do. This can be a long haul so you need to be fit and healthy both in physical terms and mentaly.
With your W think about how she feels when you are around. Does she see a Confident man who is getting on with life and is not making her feel guilty and bad about what she is doing ?
This is where you need to get to , if she feels guilty when she sees you then shes going to avoid contact.
I take every opportunity to tease my W when i can , she enjoys it so she starts seeing me as fun. I went round and mowed her lawn , woke her up so she was not amused , I told her too bad you awake now so I will finish . She sees me as confident and not wimpy .
Yet I still wake up in the morning aching because she is not there , but she never sees that or hears about it , that will make her feel guilty and its a negative. An example , when she moved into a more permanent home recently she saw that I was upset by that and I told her how tough it was etc , her response was to suggest we should have less contact.
I know it seems counter intuitive to pretend to be happy but you want contact to have any chance of a new R .
Get back into Divorce Remedy and in particular the section on cheesless tunnels.
Thanks CK for your words. I had a good talk with a friend last night who has been very supportive. I didn't sleep well, not surprisingly I guess, and I've been awake since early obsessing about selling the place, where will I live, her being with other men, etc. I've tried putting the brakes on thinking like this because it does tend to overwhelm me, but it's not easy to stop.
I wrote in my journal a little today. Feel like I've been knocked on the head with a 2 x 4, and don't want to go to work. I arranged to come in a little later and work later, so that helped me rest up a bit this morning. I've been thinking about the idea of dropping the rope somehow, though I'm not sure the extent to which I've done this before or not, or how to do it. It doesn't feel right to go dark...and I am very sensitive to her words and can really get myself into huge ups and downs. But still, I'm not feeling optimistic about any of this. I'm really scared that she's going to go away for her next trip (leaves end of the month for 2 weeks), come back and say "its done". That will leave her about 5 weeks on her lease where she is staying and I imagine that will be a window for selling the house.
I'm trying to bring focus back to what I need to be working on as a person no matter what happens:
1. my confidence, decision making. In some areas, I don't trust myself much.
2. building more social connections. I've been taking several steps on this...it's hard for me because I'm pretty shy. But I need to push myself more here. At least I'm taking some action steps, even though they are so pathetic compared to W.'s life.
3. somehow need to stop comparing myself to W.!!!! how do I do this?
4. build more PMA into my day-to-day life...even to start small. I realize that I focus a lot on negatives. I don't know if I can do a 180 on this, but even to move in a more positive direction would help, just day-to-day.
5. stay physically fit...I've been doing really well with this. Somehow, I feel so unattractive, but maybe that's normal when W. tells me she feels nothing sexually--for me (but feels things about others).
Honestly, I feel so mixed up right now. If she doesn't want to be with me, then I feel like there's nothing I can do. I want to work on myself but I still want to be who I am. This hurts so much.
I have engaged with W. in humour, joking...this was always a positive part of our relationship. I think she does respond well to it, seems to help her relax a bit. It's such a weird place to be...knowing that she really does care a lot about me, but at the same time feels like she is a million miles away emotionally.
I got feedback from someone that she is always in the driver's seat in this process. I'm not sure how to change that, because it feels like to initiate contact will potentially push her away. I don't think I should contact her right now...maybe wait a day or two and see if she emails?
I feel +++ confused and I don't know if I'm reading too negative into things, but I do not feel hardly any hope.
Purr, Sorry to read your post.I understand the sorrow and desperation you feel. This is really a horrible time in all our lives(one we could never have imagined) I don`t know, and know one knows, if your dear wife will ever wake up to reality. Certainly mine is still on the Planet Zog. The GAL is for you(not your wife) I am 10 months into seperation(today)now, still hurting,still grieving still wanting her to come home. I realise now that whatever I do makes no difference. She is off in her own reality even though everybody else (including me) thinks she has gone insane. You have to prepare yourself for a long haul to get through this the end result may not be what you want. Please believe me(((YOU))) will go on.
Thanks for this. Yeah, it is a tough place. It's the sense of not really knowing where things are at on an extended basis that I find particularly stressful. I know my own perceptions of things also get haywire because I've felt so traumatized by the cutoff that I am almost paranoid about "what might X mean--or not mean??". You don't get lots of info to go on, and the "meaty stuff" like MLC seems off the W's radar...they still seem to think it's just about the relationship. It's like, yes, that's definitely a part of it, but....um....hello, MLC???!!!
Sorry to hear your sitch. 10 months is a long time in. It's really a long haul, isn't it? It's a tough place when our hearts are still in such a tender and caring but also broken place.
BTW, I am feeling a little better this evening. You guys will be proud: Purr went to a social event and did a great job connecting with some new people(!). I followed through on it for me and had a nice time. You know, one thing I find so hard is that I get this feedback from others at work, friends, family, etc. about some of my good qualities and that I am a very kind and sincere person with "goodness". It's hard to reconcile being seen in these kinds of ways by others and being loved but not "in loved" by W. I'm the same person.
I also feel the loss of my H as physical pain (I often think of it in terms of an amputation). My heart literally hurts. I guess this is a common experience for the LBS.
Like you, I beat myself up for not being able to GAL on a par with H's-- he's so much more educated than I (perhaps because while he was in school FOR 8 YEARS I was too busy supporting him to finish more than a BA), makes 3X + what I do, has a prestigious position whereas I have a crap public service job, has the opportunity to travel frequently to cool places, etc.
It takes time to carve out a separate identity for yourself when too much of your self-image derives from your R to your S. A friend of mine says I must be suffering from Stockholm Syndrome because I over-identify with the guy who's torturing me. Not a very DB analogy, but the point of it is I haven't detached yet.
I guess there's nothing for us to do but to fake it till we make it.
Congrats on making new connections! Way to GAL! Know you are a good person. Believe it. People wouldn't be telling you so if it weren't true.
Thanks Andabelle! It is a process of finding myself within this mess. W. emailed about being surprised that I see things so negatively from her sometimes. But it wasn't coming from a place of "hey, things are much better with us than you believe", it was more like "why do you see me as so mean?". Of course, I don't see her as mean or having malicious intent in any of this, which I explained to her. I said that it is hard to sustain a sense of hope and positivity in the midst of prolonged ambiguity. Then when I get hopeless, I do start to focus on particular elements and start "filling in the blanks" with things based upon fear. Why? Because it's like an attempt to constantly brace myself for an imminent ending.
Ironically, she's said in the past that she remains very ambiguous because she "doesn't want me to get me hopes up, and then get hurt if it doesn't work out". I understand and even appreciate where she is coming from on it. I think she feels that to venture forth anything hopeful or positive, she is trapped somehow in it. That creates a terrible catch 22...she can't venture hopefulness because it "entraps" her and I remain disconnected and hopeless.
On the other hand, I'm left constantly not knowing where things are at...feels like it's just hanging by a thread. It may be...I suppose it may be somewhat in a better place than that, but since she never tells me, it's hard to know. The move in MC has been for us to begin checking out assumptions w/each other...that's where this recent emailing has come from. I put forth an idea of wanting to get a little clarity re: boundaries...esp. how often is comfortable for us to see each other. I ventured forth it might be nice to connect a couple of times a week. She wrote back that this doesn't freak her out or make her want to run, but at the same time she's not sure she wants to do that. Of course, she didn't say what kind of contact she would be comfortable with, but I'm leaving it alone. I think this is stuff better facilitated in MC!!
Anyway, I'm still left with a real sense that this is more or less over with. I feel terrible, like I'm waiting for the shoe to drop. But what can I do? I need a partner to make a relationship work. I just can't believe she is so unwilling to try. My whole experience of her as a person has been shattered. And my heart? Well, that feels so trampled and broken.
