I'm not feeling like the ball is in my court. I'm feeling a little...cautious. If I ask for too many conditions for his return will he get pissed and say forget it? His BIG thing is that I don't trust him, and he thinks I NEED to trust him for things to work....like blindly going in to this fully trusting him? I don't think so.
Well, what have I got to lose by setting my conditions? Going back to where I was a week ago? I can handle that.
I don't thinks congratulations are in order...not by a long shot here.
Me 36 Husband 35 D5 S2 separated: 10/29/07-present Served divorce papers 1/22/09 "When the world gives out beneath your feet, it is time to learn how to fly."
LAdey bug i guess if he gets pissed tell him you want to trust him but as thing are so up and down you need a little show of commitment. him going to MC before you let him move in sghould not be a problem for him if he truly realises you both want to be in a better place in the marrage befor you just go back down a cheesless tunnel.
Ms Bug, I think you have it right. If he really means it, he will understand where you are coming from. And until he is ready to see that, it is probably better if he does not come back. You've already seen that movie.
if he gets po's then you know it's another one of his tricks to get you to do what *he* wants. Ask him when he'd be available for MC, that's not asking much, see what he says.
Of course you don't trust him!! what does he expect? why should you? You can very tell him that, that at the moment you really don't, he's given you nothing but reasons NOT to trust him.
I know MC isn't a cure all nor a silver bullet, but you'll be able to see his commitment and see if he means what he says.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
Just kinda caught up on your sitch and wanted to give my penny's worth.
Once trust is broken, it has to be earned back. To blindly trust so soon after a betrayal is foolish, and sets you up for being his own personal doormat. I've seen a lot of people on this bb who allowed the WAS back too soon, and ended up solving nothing, and before too long, things were right back where they were. Not that it will happen to you, but it don't hurt to be extra cautious. Tell him if he wants back into the M then he has to work really hard to fix what he broke, and you will do the same, but until you can trust him at least 75% more than you do now, I would not let him back.
Him saying you shouldn't live in the past, is just his way of making you feel guilty about something you should not feel guilty about, and avoiding facing what he has done (there are always consequences, and he has to face his, as much as anyone else). He scr@wed up, and now wants to sweep it under the rug, but you can't do that 'cause one day that rug will get shaken, and all that dust is going to be everywhere. (Okay, okay, weird imagery, but you get my drift, I'm sure.)
I am in piecing, and I let my H back too soon, and now I am paying for that because he has made very few changes, and I have done so much (which I am thankful for, because I think I am a better person for it today). However, our M is no better than it was before the betrayal, except I am not angry anymore (like I used to be), and don't expect anything from him, and I know I can't control his actions and choices. I still don't fully trust him, 3 years after our reconciliation ... I have just accepted that this will probably always be so, and that maybe one day he will do the same thing again, but this time I will be prepared, and will not let him back again. I don't dwell on it, but it's always in the back of my mind.
I am actually pretty happy with my life, and I have let go of the past, and moved past the A. I just wait for him to truly plug into the M again, but so far, he's not really doing much. Ah well, his loss, really.
Take care, and hope I wasn't a downer.
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
Problem is, I was ready...almost, for divorce. Now, I'm not so sure that I WANT to work on things. I made vows, and that's what's keeping me here, but truly, I don't like my husband. I LOVE him, but really don't like him, and would rather not even be around him.
Me 36 Husband 35 D5 S2 separated: 10/29/07-present Served divorce papers 1/22/09 "When the world gives out beneath your feet, it is time to learn how to fly."
I think it's normal to love someone and have times when we don't really like them very much. I know there have been plenty of times I felt that way even when we were happily married. I think one of the keys is to understand this is your issue to deal with and that you can't project it onto your spouse.
I also suspect it's all part of the cycle of emotionally healing we go through. It very well could be you telling yourself you need to spend time on and for you. Remember don't neglect yourself.
If we really want to love, we must learn how to forgive. - Mother Theresa
They say love is a decision not a feeling, and I truly didn't understand that completely until now. I have to DECIDE to love my husband EVERY day. I have to tell you, it's NOT easy!
Loving the unloveable...
Me 36 Husband 35 D5 S2 separated: 10/29/07-present Served divorce papers 1/22/09 "When the world gives out beneath your feet, it is time to learn how to fly."
Well what about him now makes him lovable? yes the decision to love is what makes marrages work, as the puppy dog love we all have when we first meet does fade with time. but right now does he ahve any redeeeming qualities? do you see even hints of any? then yes hang on.he is your husband and you are his wife and if you guys can make it throught these times you will have unbalevable strengh. and if not you will be able to hold your head high , and realise that you never gave up on a marrage, not once. you stood in a society were a disposable marrage is right around the corner everywere. people get married after a week and get divorced a wek later.
the simple fact your here and not out looking at other men or complaining to a few sympathetic biased people means something. your working to save something your swore infront of your friends and family to to for ever. Hugs Ladey B your doing the best you can
