I had the day off yesterday and when I was laying there feeling under the weather , I started to read Passionate Marriage again.
It was as if the pages were telling me things I never saw before. I may not post here much, but I will when I get a chance. I do see that I have had many problems in my M due to my "LD". I actually do not have "LD" , I believe it is more like I felt so angry and hurt and I couldnt and still struggle with just giving myself to him. So he would say he is sex starved and I would say that we arent. I know that I do need to infuse my sex life with more Passion that is for sure and really enjoy myself and realize that sex with my H is awesome and worth the time and effort. I have had a hard time seeing the link betweeen my LD and his emotional and angry outbursts. I did listen to some of MWD radio program on a different website. She said that things that made sense to me that my H would be feeling re: SEX. Me? I needed more emotional connection and my H he needed it thru SEX...... I truly want to be his best friend and also the Woman who knocks his socks off in bed for many years to come. But it seems like I am scared to just give him all of me on a platter, maybe this or maybe that ~BS starts running thru ny brain. And the downer is that if I have had few drinks I "seem" to forget evrything and make love to him in such a fantastic and Passionate way. So my problem is to find that part of me that can let go during sex and not bring all the other BS into the bedroom. When I first met my H I was amazing,,, I made love to him and took him whenever I felt like it and didnt think it thru or to death. I just did and over and over again, I really want to just give myself to him like that but even typing it out here hurts and I am tearing up. I opened myself up to him and let him see every part of me and for a long time he seemed to be laughing at me and I just retreated and stopped making love like that. I will look into my heart and find him and then he lets me down ,but what I realize now that I need to work on is that....
I get a reflected sense of self from him.............
So I need to realy change that. Sure I need feedback but I also need to be strong like I used to and just ML and enjoy myself and stop worrying or waiting and stop checking if he is enjoying it, just do what I want to just take him and let go.
Sometimes I scare myself out of it, I think it thru too much and then I come off robot like... So this is really harder than it seems . I "should " just be able to do this or do that but it is and has been difficult for me at times to let go and truly be the me that is underneath all the FEAR.
My body belongs to me and it is a gift I give to him and I have been holding back far too long and it has at times been necessary for my sanity but now he is so different so much like the Man I fell in love with and more... so DO I just dive and and let go? I will, but I see by posting here that there is a lot more to it than that. I am crying really hard just typing this.
I know there is nothing more beautiful than when we are together and yet apparently it terrifies me to death....
