Back on the Roller Coaster - OW still around

[fooled again]

Well last night was interesting. H has been working for two days w/ someone from his new company, so I haven't heard much from him, just a couple of calls. Last night after dinner w/ his coworker (male) he calls from his car & minced around coming to see me for a bit, I said okay, then he says it's late, so I mirrored what he said & he accuses me of turning it around. So I change the subject & asked about his day, which he is happy to talk about. After a bit H tells me he is 5 mins from the house, what should he do, and I say, "I've already said come over, I don't know what else you want me to say". So he says see you in 5 mins.

He comes in w/out knocking (!?) and plays w/ the dog for a bit then gives me a hug & kiss & plays more w/ the dog. We we talk about the hot water tank that died, & I express frustration that it's the last thing I need. We talk more about the dog H suggests an electric fence, & I say I can't really afford that right now. Then H says that now that he's working soon he can afford to support our lifestyle & he knows that he's behind in helping me & that's his first priority. He is looking very serious and thoughtful at this point. I say to him that I never had any doubt of that, and it's true - not for one minute did I ever doubt that he would find a good job and be able to resume his financial responsibilities.

Usually H likes to watch the late news, so I ask him if that's what he wants, but he says no. So we sit on the couch & talk more about his work, my work, D's dancing & other things. He is still looking very serious and thoughtful, like he's figuring something out. The whole time I am upbeat, never sad or angry or accusatory. A couple of times, as we're talking about my work, he slips in a comment about someone asking me out, but I ignore it both times and don't react. I don't bring up anything to do w/ R and I look him in the eye w/ the hint of a smile in my eyes and on my lips (I've been practicing this look, so that I appear content, almost happy, maybe w/ a secret). Whenever I look at him this way he asks me "What?", and I always smile and say "Nothing."

Finally H says it's late as if he wants to leave, so I ask if I can give him a hug, & he says yes. As I hug him I touch his hair & he says he hates his hair, so I ask him about it & say that he looks good to me, and smells good. Then I feel a tear on his cheek but say nothing about it. A memory comes to me of when we were in our 20's & I cut his hair once really short, and I laughed softly to myself. He asks what I was thinking about & I tell him, so we share a laugh about that good memory from the past. Things continued as you might suspect, & after, as we were lying there he was sighing, as though if he was thinking of something, maybe wanted to say something. I asked if he had to go, & I think he wanted to stay but he said he had no clothes there (regretfully?). He got ready to leave, sighing the whole time. Now usually I would have asked what was the matter (I think I did once), he would always say nothing and I would always press the issue saying "I know there's something wrong, why won't you tell me, etc.", usually resulting in a fight. So I was just about to say that I felt there was something wrong, but I stopped myself and simply asked him for another kiss b/f he left.

I'm getting the strong sensation that H really may be at that stage of reconnecting, of seeing what he is missing and what he has to lose. I feel that he is also testing me as to whether I will accept him, and I know that he is looking for things like me touching him & hugging him (he went so far as to say that on the phone to me about a week ago), as well as ML. But he's still unsure, scared, insecure, depressed - I can feel it. At the same time he is drawn to me - I can feel that too. It must be an unbearable push-pull to live with every day.

I came across this reconnection thread: [url=link]TMAK-Explanation of Reconnection[/url], and I see alot of what my H is doing right now. I know it is a crucial time right now, that I have to stay calm, not pressure H, keep a PMA and keep GALing and let him have his space and come to me in his own time. I'm trying REALLY hard not to interpret his sighing and reticence about talking to me as a negative thing. I almost think he really wants me to ask him what he's thinking, but that can backfire so easily, so instead I've decided to create a comfortable, accepting atmosphere so that he feels safe to talk to me when he is ready.

It was definitely a positive baby step, maybe a big baby step. I'll keep my mind and heart open and think positively. This may take another year, so I need to continue to be patient w/ him, but I think he'll come out of it and come home one day.

FA