Out of the Blue?

[kturnernc]

Interesting developements...

Has the Ice Queen started to melt a bit? This morning when the WAW came to pick up the boys from my apartment, she walked in and picked up my 2 year old, and then moved over to hug me. This is the first attempt at anything like that since this started. Then, as I was helping the boys finish getting shoes on and everything, she mentioned that we should get together like once every other week for a family get together instead of just dropping them off and us going our separate ways!!! I agreed and said I thought that was a great idea and that it made sense. A minute or two later, I looked over and she was fighting back tears. I asked what was wrong and she blew it off saying it was 'that time of the month'. I did not push at all.

Anyway, needless to say, I was blown away. She has not tried to push on anything on the friend front at all. Or even really seemed to be trying to be friendly at all. And then this!! I am trying not to be excited, but this is the first positive thing that I have actually seen.

As far as future plans... I am going to continue along the path that I am taking and not read anything into it right away. Things have to change to actually be considered a change. Talk is cheap. I need to see some changes. I am sick and damn tired of being the LBS. I do not enjoy it and am refusing to be in that role anymore. I am going to continue to DB and move forward for me.

But still...

[PMA_Baby!]

Thats awesome man! Defin. a baby step. Keep doing what yr doing. Maybe thngs arent going as well w OM. Just be a friend right now. As hard as it is try and be nice and caring. Just not a door mat like u said. I am still having problems w this "tough love" part. My WAW has called me several times now for me to pick up our daughter from daycare on her days and also cover some of her days. What r her priorities? At the same time in a meeting w our lawyers she asked for physical custody mon-fri. Right now we do her mon. tues. me wed. thurs. thn rotate wkends. She cant even handle her days now cause of her stupid business but is asking for more days. Nice huh? Oh well got to love this crazy ride. Thanks for letting me vent. I hope I get a hug for mine some time. I hugged her a couple times but she always just stands there doesnt reciprocate anything back.

Good Luck. Broken.

[smith18]

Great news!

Just keep your expectations low for now.

These things take time, but who knows, maybe you are lucky and it will be quick.

[tomcat65]

Alright ken,small steps,dont lose your head.Keep it simple.Nice to hear from you Tom ps bye the way my name is really mike.Take care

[kturnernc]

Thanks guys and MIKE! I am trying to stay positive. I am still pretty sure there is not a OM but really, who knows other than her? I am concentrating on GAL and have been doing more stuff with my friends. That has been great. I have also been concentrating on getting my place really nice. Still trying to take my time on that.

I am thinking about taking up a hobby that will force me to learn more about patience. As funny as it sounds, I used to cross stitch when I was recovering from knee surgery years ago. I remember, or think i do, how calming that was. I may go pick up something tomorrow.

Anyway, no real updates to report. Things are kind of just the same. We really have had no contact since the other day. I am not trying to rush it. Just miss her. The day after the above description, she was very friendly towards me. We chitchatted when she picked up the boys. It was very light.

[kturnernc]

Yesterday I resisted the temptation to talk about her and this decision she has made on splitting. She started talking to me at work about a bill that got mishandled by the power company. Since my name was on it, I had to take care of it. There were also records that she needed according to her lawyer about past power records. Anyway, during the conversation she brought up for the first time the idea about buying me out of the house and refinancing it. This was a blow to me just a bit. I knew it was going to happen at some point so I kind of rolled with it. The we started talking about bills and other finances. She told me that to her it did not make sense to her that i would be struggling because I made more than her!! Hahaha. I do, but only by a little and she only works 2 days a week. I told her that she could always work more if she wanted. She agreed but added that then there would be day care costs associated with that and did i want to pay for that as well... uh, I thought that is what Child support is...

Anyway, I told her that I would think about some things that were said and get back with her at a later time. One of the big things is that in order to refinance the house, she would borrow against her 401k. Well the kicker for that is that 2 years ago, we borrowed against it (her idea) and are still paying it back. In order to be able to borrow this time (and have her buy me out) we have to pay off the remainder. To do that she wants to borrow cash advance against all our paid off credit cards and then pay that back once she gets the money. It seems as if it is an example of borrowing from Peter to pay Paul. I am not sure that I want to borrow even if she intends to pay off the loan first of all. It seems risky with as sketchy as she has been as of late. Granted both of our names are on all cards, so it would not be only on me.

This finance shifting around is really bothering me. I had just figured out my finances and there is very little wiggle room right now. I am trying to simplify things and this just seems another way to screw things up. I don't know. I just need to think on this and let it sit for a few days.

On the upside, she finally made an appointment to meet with my therapist. This was his idea before he started couples couseling for us. I do not hold much hope right now for the sessions, because she has stated many times that she is only doing it so we can be better friends for the kids. But it is a step.

Oh, also decided to participate in the St. Baldrick's celebrations and had my head shaved in support for cancer kids!!! So far it has been VERY heartwarming. I have been wanting to do it for years, but W got angry everytime i brought it up. No idea why. Anyway, I did it for me!! I think it is something that I will do every year now. I got the warm fuzzies. Wow, sorry this was so long. I just started typing...

[tomcat65]

Im glad you did something that really made yourself feel good,ken!The thing with the therapist,dont forget it starts with being friends.just remember that.I also grt what you mean about simplify things,everytime you try,something pops up and throws you!Boy can i relate.You still seem to be holding on.Im glad!!Just keep going seems like you are in the game.And i dont mean hockey game!Take care Mike

[jandn]

Yes that idea doesnt sound very well. You are both jointly responsible for those credit cards so it sounds like you are paying yourself (and interest to the company). From the lawyer I talked to, he said dont even worry about the house yet. We can always work that out later. If I buy W out, that is negotiable on how to pay it off if you dont have the funds right now (i.e. certain amount a month or give more marital items to W). That cash advance is going to incur numerous charges if you carry over every month.

I think its recommended that when you separate to get off everything you can that is joint especially when they are talking D cause you both will be jointly responsible no matter who charges what. Hang in then and do some research on this cause I know you want to please W but you got to protect yourself too.

[kturnernc]

Yes, I am not planning on doing anything with both our names on it. My lawyer had stated that the house can wait. The repairs can be done later and are not needed to be done right now. All of the cards and joint things have been locked down. I am NOT running my bills up. I am using this time to help force me out of debt and improving everything. It is gonna be tight, but it can happen.

I am still trying to stay positive but i really wonder if things will ever get better. I am trying to DB and thinking that I am doing it right, but seeing no real changes in her or our R, it is hard. Anyway, I am staying positive.

[kturnernc]

Quick update... again, no real changes. I am giving the wife some gentle pressure to get some of the stuff done. For instance, she has been talking that she was getting her lawyer to write up a separation agreement. That was originally mentioned about 6 weeks ago. I asked my lawyer how long it usually took... her answer... 1 week. So I asked W what status was and that if she was not moving then I would. The lawyer assured me that a separation agreement would not hurt the chances of a reconcile. That in her experience guys saw it as a mini-divorce, while the women usually did not view it as anything but paperwork. That made me feel a bit better about it.

Other than that, I have made some additional effort to do stuff with kids. Had fun with them and offered to take them more. I am trying to be flexible for the upcoming weeks, but I am at the end of a deadline and things are getting really hectic. W thinks that I am just making excuses and being difficult. I can't control what she makes of reality.

Gonna keep on keeping on i guess.