To "Piece" or not to "Piece....

[Jeanette1120]

Goodmorning!

I'm kinda struggling here.....things are getting more and more complicated in my sitch.

The water was turned off again on Monday. For me it was the straw that broke the camels back. I'd had enough of his "conrolling, financial & mental abuse". I sent Rich a "Strictly Business" email detailing to him exactly how he is acting outside the law concerning our divorce decree. I held nothing back. He actions say to me that he is above the law and can do as he pleases. It was a very non emotions strictly business email that basically said, if you do not respond to this email with a "workable" plan by Friday, I will file a "Motion To Show Cause" along with a "Motion for Temporary Alimony".

I'm tired of living this way. Enough is enough. I've found my peace and am ready to move along.

I followed it up with a text yesterday. Please check your email. An hour later he sent a response. In class in Kansas City will call you tonight. Yes, he told me he was going on a training mission.

He calls....he said he has not been able to get on the internet but should by tomorrow. Ick....so I read the emails to him. It wasn't so hard as everything I said was strictly business and true.

This began him saying how he does not have access to the house.....as we live in a gated community and he doesn't have a "Clicker" to get in the gate. I reminded him that he can go to the association and get a clicker anytime he chooses to. Not my fault he is too lazy to do that. As far as him having a key to the house. No.

It was a 45 minute conversation of....sometimes raised voices, some laughing, lots and lots of blaming. I asked him several times to not go back in the past as it's just the past. So he would then say.....but thats why I left you. Ok...so I flirted with a bartender one night. He had already told me several times he didn't love me and was leaving....so to make him happy as his friend Teddie had called several times while we were at dinner I told Rich to lets just go meet Teddie and his then girlfriend so he could play pool. I was sitting at the bar while waiting for him to make my drink, both myself and Teddies girlfriend were there....she left to go sing a karaoke song, I stayed and chatted. No biggie. I am NICE! Besides...Rich had already tossed me to the curb so why should he care if I smile and talk with a man???

I had a really hard time during our conversation zipping the lips he made sure to tell me that it was another reason why he left me.

Finally near the end I had to say Rich....everything your telling me all happened AFTER you said you wanted out. You've not mentioned one single thing that happened before. Do you not think I was hurting??? Looking for attention??? Of course I was seeking attention the wrong way....because if I really wanted to save my marriage I would have become a meek little woman.....whatever. I'm not a meek little woman. At all.

So I was acting out and showing my ass, I was hurt, lonely and scared. I wanted him to see that I was capable of making it without him. I admitted to him that this is why that happened. Now keep in mind I have said that to him so so many times before. But this time he said AH HA! So you do admit that you were flirting!?!? THATS WHY I LEFT!

Then began the inlaw debate. His mother has been horrid to me. Simply horrid. He went back to the time his mother staked out our house and followed me, nearly ran me off the road and accused me of having a secret affair with her 80 year old non english speaking boyfriend She called me a bitch, she said her son deserved better and that he should have left me long ago...she called my family white trash. We are far from white trash. She's met my parents twice. Rich said did you or did you not have an argument with my mother? I said NO, she stalked me and I defended. She's mental she's sniffs her 80 year old boyfriends underwear to see if he's sleeping with other MEN Ewww. Rich laughed at that as it is true.

There was alot of mud-slinging on both our parts.

I told Rich that I don't want to hear about the past anylonger. WE both were to blame. WE both didn't listen to each other. (Oh yea...he said he left me cuz I didn't listen either) I then said I'd had enough that if this is how things are going to go I want no part of it. He said he didn't see any other way as this is what stays in his mind, yes he misses me/us, yes he did love me, yes he would like to live happily but he can't get the above noted infractions out of his mind.

At that point I had to read to him the "Forgivness" article. That he doesn't need to forgive me, he needs to forgive himself, me and everything that goes along with it or else he is going to be a troubled man the rest of his life no matter who he ends up with.

We then talked about the house.....I'm not sure whats going to happen with it. He's so friggen indecisive! LOL....i had to tell him that the hardest decision is deciding to make a decision. ARGH!

Now comes the "I uhm, don't want to come by the house because I am respecting your privacy", you are seeing someone right"? he had to say that several times before I would answer. Finally I said he could come by anytime just call. If I am seeing someone I will introduce you to him. We are adults, you did divorce me, it has been 2.5 years. He was so quiet.

I'm not sure how to deal with things now. He does want to come home, BUT he has not let go of anything. He doesn't want to acknowledge any of the pain he put me through. None of it. As far as he is concerned it was all my fault. His families disrespect & cruelty to me had nothing to do with it. His dropping the bomb on me, and me getting a life was disrespectul to him. Every reason he gave as to why he left came AFTER he dropped the bomb. None of it was before.

I am happy now. I have a life without him.

He is supposed to call again tonight. Perhaps this will be a good time for HIM to admit to his shortcomings instead of pointing out mine and blaming me for everything. I cannot and will not go back to the way things USED to be. There is too much water under the bridge and if it's not addressed things will only stay the same.

I have a sneaking suspicion that he may move back into the house as he is struggling supporting himself. It will be hard if that happens but I can deal. It will be business only.

I listened, I validated....I even said I'm sorry you feel that way in the beginning but when the blame was being constantly put on me....db'ing went right out the window as I am already divorced.

Help! How can I do this if he still walks in the past??

Sigh. Why do they come back when we've reached our peace?

Hugs,

Jeanette

[Grace_O]

((((Jeanette))))

I don't have any insight for you, but I have to say I love that you said you don't want to talk about the past anymore.

So far what appears to be working for me (a little anyway) is talking about the present and future only (unless it's recalling somthing fun or funny). Of course, it's also letting H live in lala land.

They come back b/c they're miserable?

[WCW]

Was it a full moon last night? H and I had another R talk too! That makes more in the last month than in the last couple of years! The biggest change I keep hearing is that he isn't saying anymore that he is moving out or looking for a place or getting out of my way. Now he says he can't afford anything so he can't leave. Is that progress?

IMHO, you need to trade your current problems for a new set of problems. By that I mean that Rich moves back to the home like he has been hinting about. There is a lot of advantages financially, it should mean that he won't be so neglectful about the utilities if he uses them too, and it gives you face time with each other to see if you both can really outlive the past and move forward together.

Start with being roommates (it sucks, can you handle that?). Remind him by your actions of who the woman is he fell in love with and married.

I am happy now. I have a life without him.

But you don't have your peace. Not yet.

[Jeanette1120]

{{{Grace}}}

If they comeback because they are miserable.....then they are not coming back for the right reasons Misery loves company and I'm afraid I don't want miserable company.

He's the one that brings up the past. It's hard to sit and listen when they sling the mud at you. So I made a mudpie

{{{WCW}}}

We seem to be walking the same fine line these days. I'm glad your H is no longer fighting the urge to leave. YES, it's progress....it's an excuse but that means progress Right??

I think I can handle being a "room mate". Financially it is a good option. It is a workable plan.

I just don't know what to do yet. So I will do nothing.

No, I have not found my peace but I am happy now. He no longer hurts me. He frustrates me So I have to stop being frustrated while he figures it out.

Neither do I want to feel like second best. Or last resort. Or he couldn't find anything better. and he's only returning because he's settling.

This makes me feel stupid.

[ford]

you're not stupid

[WCW]

Neither do I want to feel like second best. Or last resort. Or he couldn't find anything better. and he's only returning because he's settling.

This makes me feel stupid.

Honey, we are not 2nd best. We are THE BEST and nothing else measures up to us.

Something that bugs me though is how posters that are done with their M come back here to post how stupid it is to 'stand' or still want our WAS after long periods of time. I know those posts are done with good intentions but it isn't something that helps ME. I may be stuck as far as the MLC H is concerned, but I've turned around the rest of my life to make it productive and one that I am proud to be living again after sinking to the lowest of lows for me. Then I hear the applause for someone that is D'd and how happy they are and telling us basically to 'get over it' and quit waiting. That doesn't do much for making me feel very smart. It would be interesting to hear how many of the happily D'd people initiated the D or was it the exspouse?
Well, there's another threadjack.

[shewholurks]

I am happy now. I have a life without him.

Yes, you do have a life without him, yet you are still dependent upon him to pay bills and you suffer when he does not. Perhaps it is indeed time for you to stand up for yourself. If your statements to him: "I will file a "Motion To Show Cause" along with a "Motion for Temporary Alimony" were merely to gain a reaction from him how will that help your situation? You should be looking for him to do what is right without your statements. That would be a step towards you. What does Jeanette need to do, independent of Rich, to make her life secure?

I have a sneaking suspicion that he may move back into the house as he is struggling supporting himself. It will be hard if that happens but I can deal. It will be business only.

Neither do I want to feel like second best. Or last resort. Or he couldn't find anything better. and he's only returning because he's settling.

Given the above two quotes, why would you allow a move back in? Moving back in because he is struggling is a fairly significant worst case scenario. What, if anything, in your dealings with him causes you to trust that he will follow through with anything he has said?

It could very well be time for Jeanette to truly take her independent steps.

~ swl

[shewholurks]

WCW,

There is nothing stupid about standing and I have not personally seen anyone suggest that there is. It is possible,however, what you perceive as "posters that are done with their M come back here to post how stupid it is to 'stand' or still want our WAS after long periods of time" are merely old timers who see so many standing while not taking care of business. If you are not protecting yourself emotionally and/or financially you are hurting yourself needlessly. There are many people on this board who have divorced and still support anyone who chooses to stand.

~ swl

[WCW]

swl, I can agree with what you say. There are many who are D'd that offer support without judgement. There are also many that are critical of a LBS waiting out an MLC or so called standing.
Perception is so different for each of us, and how or when we deal with protecting ourselves. Even to protect ourselves physically or financially we may have to do something that hurts us emotionally and weighing the options takes time to sort out.
I know it's taken me a long time to get all my pieces lined up for protection but I'm feeling more like a fine wine or aged cheese... should be worth the time invested.

[Jeanette1120]

He was orderded by the courts to continue paying as normal until the house was sold, this is part of the divorce stipulation. He has not taken any actions to help around the house PERIOD. He feels as long as he pays the bills the rest should happen naturally. Fine. I have no problem upkeeping the house and have been doing it for 2.5 years. I've stuck to my side, he does not stick to his. I was awarded permanent alimony which would ensue the first month after sale of marital home. Fine. I have a job, I keep myself going but do I need to get a second job to start paying for things that need repaired in our home? These are big ticket items and I don't want to even mention the water pump. Yes this sounds trivial and perhaps shallow, but this is what he wanted......for me to dig him out of the hole would not help him. I do not DIG the hole deeper but unless I SEE a more committed type response from him and not VICTIM playing then........

What, if anything, in your dealings with him causes you to trust that he will follow through with anything he has said?

NOTHING! Except that for the 2.5 years he has for the most part kept the payments up. That is the ONLY thing. Yes yes I appreciate it. But I am tired of my hands being "tied" as that house is the only thing that binds us. For the longest it was my HOPE that because he did not show interest in selling the house it meant he was wavering. I mean, what man in their right mind would pay 3500.00 per month to upkeep a home and their XWIFE? My alimony is lower. In this case it WOULD NOT be cheaper to keep her Now I think maybe he is just lazy. Hell.....I DON"T KNOW!

I should be looking for him to do these things without making a statement. But he doesn't. He's still blaming. This is where I tend to start overthinking and start analyzing. I start to question his motives. I am leary of his lies. He has given me nothing to trust him on. He is NOT with the OW anylonger. He lives alone.

What does Jeanette need to do, independent of Rich, to make her life secure?

Sell the house get my own place. My alimony will start. I will be totally independant of him.

However selling the house in this economy would be a huge financial loss for both of us and I struggle if that would be the right thing to do or not. He's kept the payments up this long I spose he can keep them up a bit longer without moving back in.

Both he and I would have to do something for the blaming to stop. Learn to focus on the future and not the past (thanks A!!) He abuses my good nature, he abuses my trust and my feelings.


After reading him "Forgivness is a Gift" and part of "Why must I be the one to Change" I ended the conversation. He mumbled something about his being BEST conversation we've had since he's left. WTF?? I've not said anything that I have not said before?

AAAAACCCCKKKK!

I'm confusing myself now

Even to protect ourselves physically or financially we may have to do something that hurts us emotionally and weighing the options takes time to sort out.

Exactly!!!!!