So sorry to hear about the latest developments. Hard on you, hard on the kids, and just maybe hard on your W too.
I have heard some angry remarks and a venemous tone of voice from my W too, and it's easy to lock in on that and resent her for it. I did. At the same time, you handled it right in detaching from getting sucked in. I finally started doing that, and it was good for my well-being.
However, I have become convinced that under the anger is a person, at least in my case, who is in a lot of pain. Others on these boards report the same sense that their MLC spouse is really in a world of hurt. That has helped me have empathy even as I remain angry with her for not talking with me or showing any willingness to work on our R. It's tough to have empathy at someone who treats us like this. We deserve better, no matter what faults we may have in causing problems in our marriage. Still, I have come to see (at least most days) that empathy is worth cultivating on our road to being better people. Our spouses may never see that empathy, but that is their choice and their loss. Take that empathy with you wherever you go in life, and use it to understand your kids, coworkers, friends, family, future spouse, etc. This may be one of the lessons we learn, part of how we grow through this mess. There has to be some growth for us. We may lose our marriages, but we should try to gain something for ourselves out of all of this.
