That is the problem..... you have to fix everything, but you have to do it with your hands tied behind your back! This is my biggest gripe about people, how they want everything but then they set limits on how it can be done, thus making the task impossible. I cannot help you then.
Retrouvaille works, but you both have to go there and make an effort. Without effort there is no change. With no change you get more of the same. And you know what more of the same is. Retrouvaille is not counseling. Absolutely not counseling. No one tells you what to do or even asks about your problems. They tell their stories and show you how they solved their problems. And such problems!!! Yours will pale in comparison. And yet, step by step they solved them themselves with careful communication and love. No one says it's easy, but they all know that you wouldn't be in this fix if you could solve it yourself without help.
I'd buy the damn fan. He wants it, and by doing it you show you care about what he wants. What's $10 or $20 if your marriage suffers for the lack of spending it?
I agree with Sarah, and maybe try to clean the closets out as much as possible. I think that is something that I didn't do pre-affair with H is listen to his complaints and try to respond to them, even if the closet is still full but you try to improve it, or you buy a little fan and the situation improves even a little, I think it shows your H that you are listening to him and trying to make him happy, which is something that I wasn't doing in my marriage (and have been working on in the past months), I hate to admit! Karen
Wow, a lot happened this weekend!! BTW, I totally understand the fan thing (although I don't understand the way he complained about it)...I CANNOT sleep without a fan. Question: If he had stayed there the last 3 nights...then why did he pick the third night to realize the fan wasn't there and the clock was fast?
This is a huge adjustment for both of you. Try not to take the things he says personally. Don't argue back with him. Eventually he will get tired of yelling at someone who isn't yelling back. Just let him throw his temper tantrum by himself.
I know the arguments are draining, but I believe he wants to be there. It is going to take a lot of work and a lot of patience. I am glad he is packing things up and staying there more.
I totally agree with everything you're all pointing out and saying.
Originally Posted By: Sara
I'd buy the damn fan. He wants it, and by doing it you show you care about what he wants. What's $10 or $20 if your marriage suffers for the lack of spending it?
Funny you should say that! Right after logging off this morning, I told myself, "Screw it! I'm just going to get the damn thing, and if he gets mad, then oh well, he gets mad." I can deal with that a whole lot easier than the tantrums!
BUT....now I don't have to because after H woke up, he went to (friend)'s house to get more things. Including his fan!
AAAAAAAAH!! I wanna laugh and scream all at the same time, dang it!
Originally Posted By: klm
Question: If he had stayed there the last 3 nights...then why did he pick the third night to realize the fan wasn't there and the clock was fast?
He had the fan issue from the very first night he was here, but after 3 days, I suppose it all boiled over. I asked him, everyday, if he wanted me to buy one, and he always said no. He would get the one from (friend)'s house.
As for the clock, it's on my nightstand, so I was setting it every night for him, except Friday when he went to do it himself.
Time and patience......I know, but it's so hard. This really is the hardest it's been for me.
I'll be back again later. I have to take S12 to his martial arts class now.
(((((Thanks to you all, ladies!)))))
Last edited by GoingForward; 03/12/0812:53 AM.
Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward. ~ Joseph Campbell
No kidding. You know at first, I knew it was going to be difficult, extremely so, for H. He's been unbelievably wishy-washy with everything for soooo long. I KNEW this was going to be hard, but I honestly never thought it would be this tough for me. I didn't think there would be much I would have to adjust to. Little did I know ! My patience with H has worn VERY thin over the last few years, although I knew it was vital if there was ever going to be a chance for reconciliation. The patience is still there, I know it is. However, it's very fine and brittle. I have to work on strengthening it.
Quote:
Try not to take the things he says personally. Don't argue back with him. Eventually he will get tired of yelling at someone who isn't yelling back. Just let him throw his temper tantrum by himself.
I used to do this! All the time during our S. I knew it was the only way I could maintain my sanity. Made H crazy, but I didn't care. I refused to let him get to me. I was so good at controlling my actions/reactions, and now, I don't know what's happening . I'm losing it. Perhaps it's the stress of the sitch. It's awkward and a bit tense (for me, can't speak for H but I would guess it's about the same for him). H and I haven't been around each other this much in ...... sheesh, I can't even recall! Had to be long before the bomb hit. Even longer than that, actually, so I'm talking like 4 or 5 years at least.
Quote:
I know the arguments are draining, but I believe he wants to be there. It is going to take a lot of work and a lot of patience. I am glad he is packing things up and staying there more.
I'm glad, too, and I also believe he wants to be here. Problem is I'm forgetting this.
So I need to remind myself everyday:
My H wants to be here. He told me so. I must do whatever I possibly can to make him feel comfortable and at home. He loves me, I love him. He wants to be here. Make it work. Make it right.
Patience. Empathy. Patience. Kindness. Patience. Love. Patience. Time. What else? Oh yeah! Above all else, PATIENCE.
I can do this. I know I can. I might feel like giving up sometimes, but I will not. I refuse to. I've come so far. I've got to keep going. Keep going forward. No matter what.
But you'd better believe that I'll be here to b*tch and moan when I need to!
Well I wanted to post more, but it's getting late, and S3 is still up! Gotta get him to bed.
Goodnight, everyone. Sleep well.
Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward. ~ Joseph Campbell
Communication is the key to getting along in a marriage. It's tougher if you can't get someone else to set the ground rules and teach both of you how to communicate, but you are going to have to have a talk with this man.
He is moving back into the home, which I assume belongs to both of you. But it has been your space for a long time, and he needs to try to understand that at a gut level he is taking over what you have felt was your space. He needs to be considerate of you while doing that and fitting back into the home.
That said, everyone needs to be on their best behavior. You both need to treat each other AT LEAST AS WELL as you would treat a stranger. That is, you should both say thank you to each other, you should try to be considerate of each other and you should both avoid cursing and displaying short tempers, etc.
When my husband and I were reconciling I imagined that we were dating. When he came home each evening I treated him not like my husband, but like a date. I offered him a drink, I had an appetizer ready, the house was cleaner than usual, I was dressed sexy with makeup on, and I was cooking one of my gourmet meals (not the stuff the kids like). And in response, he acted like a date too. He didn't go into the bedroom and watch tv for the entire evening. He stayed in the kitchen while I cooked and talked to me! (My husband is not a talker.) And because he had also been taught by Retrouvaille to be considerate, he rinsed a few plates and put them in the dishwasher. It didn't make any significant difference in the amount of cleaning I had to do, but it showed that he has making an effort -- even a tiny one. And it was the EFFORT that made a difference to me.
We all are too comfortable around our family members and feel free to display the worst side of our personalities. Unfortunately, that is one of the things that ruins a marriage. You need to work on getting him to understand that it takes more than good intentions to get along, it takes positive actions too.
Well I wanted to respond to Neecy and Sara, but I will do this hopefully tomorrow.
I'm a little bothered at the moment. It's kind of a long story, and I don't have much time before H gets here. He was supposed to work tonight but because of some accident at the refinery, his schedule has changed and he's working tomorrow morning instead.
I'm a bit disturbed because H was supposed to be at work at 5pm this evening. I left the house at 5:30pm, and just now returned.
The dining room light was on when I got here. It wasn't when I left.
Someone recently, VERY recently, took a shower in the master bath.
When I talked to H at 6pm, he said he was at work and had to stay for a couple of hours to help out with some stuff. He works 30 minutes away.
H called my cell at 8:20pm while I was inside MIL's house picking up the kids and left a voicemail saying he was leaving work, then going to the gym and would be home by 9:30pm.
If he was at work as he claimed to be at 8:20, and I arrived back home at 8:45.....who was here?
Why do I feel my H is already lying to me again?
I sincerely hope that it's all in my head or that I'm overreacting.
Last edited by GoingForward; 03/13/0804:05 AM.
Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward. ~ Joseph Campbell
Now, as you know, I seem to be doing all of this wrong. But I would ask. Is it possibile to in a non-accusing way to ask if he came home and took a shower before going to the gym? I know the times don't jive if this is the case but maybe he will give an explanation? Like I said, just a thought, you are much better at this than I am ;-)
Me~34 H~38 D6.5
EA/PA-DEC.07
Moved out~Apr.13,08 Sep. Papers~Dec.7,08 No contact order ~Dec.9,08 and again October 13, 2009
Yes, I agree with Neecy. I wouldn't jump to the conclusion that it's something awful & try to be positive. I would be careful to try not to sound suspicious when you ask def. but very nonchalant. This could be nothing. Karen
AAAAAAAAH!! I wanna laugh and scream all at the same time, dang it! 
. I'm losing it. 
Perhaps it's the stress of the sitch. It's awkward and a bit tense (for me, can't speak for H but I would guess it's about the same for him). H and I haven't been around each other this much in ...... sheesh, I can't even recall! Had to be long before the bomb hit. Even longer than that, actually, so I'm talking like 4 or 5 years at least.
