moving from MLC- It's Lisa

[Just_Me]

Hi Lisa,

I'm sorry to see you here. I remember you from newcomers. You are the one with the bed hopping husband that cheated repeatedly. I know this is not how you wanted things to turn out, but you did what you could. I personally feel you went above and beyond the call of duty for the sake of the marriage and your kids.

I feel like I am to blame. maybe i should have said something different or maybe i should have been nicer. I have been kinda standoffish since his most recent affair in October. I just have been afraid to be hurt again. I feel so lost. So hurt. How can he tell people that he is innocent and all he did was push me? He knows what he did- why not just own up to it? He KNOWS what happened- why is he lying

The problem with taking the blame is that it puts 100% of the marriage's failure on your shoulders and that's just not reality. There is maybe a little bit of fantasy in DBing....a perception that if you only change how your act, your spouse will change how they react. It's just not grounded in reality. Your husband has faults that he never even began to touch. When you start getting beat up, it's way past time to call it quits. Don't take any blame for it. As for your husband's lies and lack of remorse....that's the person you married. Hasn't his marriage to you been one long string of lies?

[Lissie]

Praying for you and those babies, chick.


HUGS

[MnSPD]

Lisa,

I haven't been on the boards for months. I thought today I would simply see what was happening with people I knew. I am at a loss for words. I read your thread in MLC and couldn't believe it!

You have received wonderful advice. Use it! Start your D process. I know this is the last thing you dreamed of 2 1/2 years ago. DBing is about repairing yourself. Looking inside and making changes to better cope with the things relationships and life can bring your way. Abuse has no place in a relationship or any where. I'm behind you 100% in starting the D process.

Also, call me anytime. We have talked many times before, I'll support you however I can.

Steve

[LisaLost]

Thank you all for your posts. I have my first appointment today with my lawyer-well the first one for this time- He is the same one I have seen throughout this whole thing. So today we will redo the D paperwork we had from before- I am trying to be strong. I went for my hearing for a permanent restraining order and received it so it is good for a year. He asked for temp visits the kids and the judge told him no then he told the judge he wanted to watch the boys play their baseball games- We just started our season here. WE have 3 that play currently and our oldest also is on a travel team. That means that I have practice or a game with them every night of the week and weekend tournaments with the oldest. I told the judge that I felt safe with him coming to the games since there were deputies out there anyway. He granted him that so he is able to come 30 minutes before their games and practices and has to leave 30 minutes after. The judge told him to thank me for that b/c he would have given him just 1 hour a week at the supervised visit center

I hate what this is doing to the kids. once again they are upset. 2 of them had their first games of the season last night and he showed up. Our oldest didn't speak to him and our 7 y/o was excited to see him but then got upset when he left. My friends told me he is still wearing his wedding band.

Also my friend that he is living with says that he thinks that he is going to go through whatever the courts tell him with counselling and such and then in 6-8 months win back his family.

what really goes on in their heads?



Love,Lisa

[ACJ]

Lisa good for you for seeing your L and getting the ball rolling. From what you have put it seems B has 'finally got it' BUT now it's way too late. There is no going back from abuse.

Take care

[cat03]

maybe i should have said something different or maybe i should have been nicer.

I just had to respond to this, others have said it already but having BTDT you can't blame yourself, I found out my H with ow 2x, forgave him, was loving, forgiving, a friend an ear, anything and everything, NOTHING changed, he wouldnt' let go of her and betrayed me still while lying to my face, he was too chicken to let go of her and tell both of us the truth.

I'm sorry you find yourself here, but I cheer for you as you take matters into your own hands, my prayers your way))))))))))))))

aka cat03

[LisaLost]

Thanks Alison and T2SP. I really appreciate the support. We are truly done this time and nothing will convince me to take him back. I am just not that into the pain. Got the ball rolling again today. No ow involved yet as far as I can tell but who knows with him and truly this time I can say who cares.

Hugs and love to all.
Lisa

[princess_nic]

Lisa,

I'm so glad that it is over for you, for real. You will only be able to heal once this guy is out of your life for good (as far as possible, with five kids, lol!).

Love,
Nicola

[FA]

Hey Lisa.....at this point, it don't matter if there is 3 OW in his life.....D his ass and then move on. If you find someone, great, he will be 10 times the man your STBX was. Time to get rid of this guy and don't fall or give in to any excuses or reasons he may give you....just part of his game to keep you under his thumb.

[LisaLost]

Hey all, Haven't been on here much. Just journaling I guess, Through my friend that my H is living with he doesn't want a D- he wants his family back and as much as I don't want to continue to live like this I have alot of fear. I know that papers were started again and he still has criminal charges against him but I feel really scared to actually do this- To you folks here that actually filed and went through with it did you feel like this? I keep putting off my second meeting with the lawyer because I well basically I am stalling - for what I don't know. I know I HAVE to D him but damn it is soooo hard as you guys know. I feel so lonely even surrounded by my kids- I feel like I can't make it- I guess I am having a pity party for myself right now. I just am lost- I don't even love him anymore , I actually have a
huge crush on someone else- it's not going anywhere but well it's there. Why am I so scared when this is what I need to do?

Lisa