A: No. Love may be a choice, but you can't make that choice for H, and he isn't making it. Moreover, I don't think love really is a choice. You can CHOOSE to give love a chance, support it, nurture it, and so on. But, you simply can't point at some person at random and choose to love them.
Just wanted to comment on this one point. I think this is something a lot of us struggle with. Oldtimer, you are correct in that you can't decide to love just anyone at random and hope that it works, but I don't think that is where the majority of us started out. (with the exception of arranged marriages)
For the most part, we all started down this relationship path falling madly and head over heels with the perfect partner and at some point decided to take the plunge and get married. A few years down the road is where the 'decision' to love really needs to kick in. Life, responsibilities, stress, etc come knocking on the door and we forget that a long term, committed relationship takes a lot of nurturing and work. Falling in love typically just happens. Maintaining that love is where the decision is.
Hopeforthefuture, I'm glad you used the term "for the most part" because though my m was not arrainged we weren't "head over heels in love" when we got married. H and I met while very young (I cringe when I hear about my cousins or any young persons in long term relationships at that age) I was just 16 and he 19...though we did have a few break ups during that time (they never really lasted long) 9 years after meeting we got married. I've always been the one to evaluate and express concern for our r. H has always made promises for the future. I believed those promises but now find myself realizing they were empty unless of course they will somehow come to fruition in another 20 years when he's retired but somehow I don't think that's going to happen. I've been trying to feed the relationship and keep it going for over decade...I can't get through to h no matter what I do, don't do, say, don't say, say it differntly etc. I've even gone to the effort of trying to compare our r to something he can relate to...lawns...if you don't water, fertelize, irrate, overseed, mow and care for a lawn it will not be what you want. You can dream for it, hope for it, wish for it, do a couple of little things to it but it's just not going to be a lush green carpet unless you do what is needed. He understands and believes that when it comes to lawns but apparently he thinks you don't have to do anything for a r and it will just be. Or maybe he's thinking he can let the r just sit while he does other things and then someday he can start caring for it like you can with a lawn...trouble is I'm not a lawn I am a human being. The yard doesn't care if it has lush green grass or not but I do care that at best I have even a yellowish (if compared to a lawn) m with lots of bald patches and weeds growing everywhere not to mention the leaves and sticks lying around from the fall that didn't get cleaned up and the sand and dirt blown over from the drive way. He'll certainly clean the yard and we'll have a beautiful lawn once again come late spring but our m will still be drying up and balding.
I chose to love him. I chose to trust him. I chose to believe in him and what have I gotten in return? Two beautiful children, a nice home and a highly maintaned lawn, but a crappy m.
Should the fact that he is currently the breadwinner, takes out the trash and cares for the lawn wonderfully be enough?
Maybe he'll have another a and leave or just decide to leave and I wont have to be the one making the choice not to him love anymore but I really can't put my future in his hands can I. My only alternative (considering the fact that it appears this is "just the way he is" and is not willing to make any changes) seems to be to make that decision myself. As I've said to him I don't know how much longer I can do this...of course all he can say to that is "well that sucks" Here I'll give you the exact word for word if it will help you to understand exactly where I'm coming from
sil (while preg with first child) and her new h had come to stay at our house for a night after spending the day out looking for their new home. Sil was complaining that her h was still wanting sex...I told her she was lucky (my h didn't want sex with me at all the minute he knew I was preg) gave them a book to read and went downstairs to h who was still sitting awake at the bar.
Me: "I hate people that are in love"
H: "what?"
Me: "well no I don't really hate them it just makes me sad sometimes"
H: "what?"
Me: "I thought when you came home (from sep, ow, his adimantly wanting D) we were supposed to be growing closer together but I feel like we are just growing further and further apart and I don't know how much longer I can do it"
H: "well that sucks"
end of discussion This was roughly 3 years ago. Not much has changed other than h is not awake in the evenings (he's often in bed before I put the kids to bed at 8PM even though he gets up just a few minutes before us)
