Broken Tree WAW- MLC

[Broken Tree]

If I move out I ain't coming back. When I got back from CO I looked at her and the feeling (chemistry) was not good. She is just plain nasty and will argue about how many french fries are in a happy meal and will not stop until she gets and arguement out of you.

I don't want to live like this. I am a good person and i don't deserve this at all. I think it is time to move on. I need to find someone who enjoys me and the things we would do together.

I feel so bad for my kids. I love them so much and can not imagine being away from them for one moment and I am afraid to leave them with her. She will destroy them. I can't stop thinking of this.

Tree

[whatisis]

Why do you need to move out? Isn't she the one who wants to end the M? In my case, I moved out because my W was much more able to handle mortgage payments and if it meant my kids could stay in their home then I was willing to leave BUT not until I got a separation agreement. Don't leave until you know your rights to your kids are protected. As far as arguing, what I used to do was just say "I'm not willing to argue with you today" and just kept repeating that. It got bad when I started lashing right back at her in anger. It sure ain't easy but you will get through no matter what. As a friend once said to me about my separation, "just remember, no matter how bad it gets, it will always get better" and she had been through worse hell than me. What helped me was remembering who I wanted to be through this, I wanted to be an honourable person, a person who was there for his kids. My W could be whatever she wanted to be but I was going to be someone who did what was right. Simple as that. It sure helps to be able to look at yourself in the mirror and know you have nothing to be ashamed of. You will find your way through this, we all will!

[Grace_O]

((((Tree))))

I have the same question about your moving out...why? I know it's hard to be in the house with her esp with the anger and arguing. I like whatisis's "I will not argue with you today". It's hard to walk away when you're hurt and angry too.
Whatever you decide to do, protect your rights with regards to the kids. That one can bite you later and I know you would be crushed to not be able to be there for them.

If you know that she will destroy them, you have to protect them. They deserve one sane parent.

[Broken Tree]

Grace,

Good to hear from you again, thanks for stopping in. She wants me to move out and is talking to her L about it Thursday at 3PM. We are in limbo and it is not good for the kids. I don't want to move out. The only thing she can do is get me excited and have the police remove me which seems to be what she is trying to do.

Again she started a big argument this morning (no kids around). I can't seem to stay away from getting sucked into her big black hole. I simply asked her not to argue in front of the kids and she flipped and then went from subject to subject to subject. I could not get a word in edge wise. So I left the house for work. I do fear separation only because of the kids and I know once we tell the kids and I move out that will be it, no turning around. She is also pitting the kids against me. I don't know what I did to make her look at me with such discuss. There is no talking to her, she does not hear a word I say.

I am very upset this morning. Thanks for your support.

[fish]

BT - Let's hang out tomorrow night.

Personally, I think you should "man up" and move out. It is just not natural for a woman to move out of the house and leave the kids. The reason she is not parenting now is that you are doing it for her. If you move out, she will start focusing on the kids again and will begin her descent back to earth.

Dude - This is approaching "War of the Roses" territory. Be very careful.

[Dom R]

BT

...
In your situation, living under the same roof is KILLING your chances of reconciliation. How can you work on improving yourself when you are living in fu*ing misery.

...


My opinion... the only shot you have of saving your marriage is if you agree to move out ASAP. That will give each of you a chance to work on yourselves and prepare you for a much better marriage.

Fish... separation may have eventually worked out positive for you. Or, at least for the moment.
However, for most people, it doesnt.
So, I would caution you against a mindset where you think that separation is a wonderful tool to repair marriages.

Think about it... If you would have separated 3 months ago, you may have been back together in another 3 months (took me 6 months). START NOW.

again... just because YOUR marriage took 6 months of separation to bring it back together. doesnt mean that is some kind of magic number, where all marriages will be fixed after 6 months of separation.

[Dom R]

Grace,

Good to hear from you again, thanks for stopping in. She wants me to move out and is talking to her L about it Thursday at 3PM. We are in limbo and it is not good for the kids.

No, there's no problem for the kids, with you personally feeling "in limbo" inside.
I'll tell you what is "not good for the kids"

1. The two of you having nasty arguments and generally being hostile in front of them

2. You living separately.

Of the two... the second, is the worst thing you can inflict upon them.

(because you personally, have control over #1. it takes two to have "a nasty argument". You can stop that yourself.
But once you (or W) is out of the house.. you are out, and it will hurt your children every day, whether you and their mother are doing better talking to each other or not)

I don't want to move out. The only thing she can do is get me excited and have the police remove me which seems to be what she is trying to do.

So.. dont flip out. dont play that game.
Be a man. take control of your emotions.
Worst case, step out of the house for 10 minutes... then come back.

Again she started a big argument this morning (no kids around). I can't seem to stay away from getting sucked into her big black hole. I simply asked her not to argue in front of the kids and she flipped and then went from subject to subject to subject.

I think you are setting your goals too low.
If your only goal is "dont argue in front of the kids", then you are implicitly saying that anything else is ok, so what she is doing to you is ok.

again; dont play that game.

repeating a sentance, for focus:

she flipped and then went from subject to subject to subject. I could not get a word in edge wise.

Sounds like she is arguing, just to argue and escalate angry feelings about you.
That being said... i think it's important to acknowlege at least some of the things she is ranting about.

You might try saying something like,
"I understand that you have issues with certain things. I would like the chance to address, and hopefully improve things, in the areas you are unhappy with. I can only deal with one thing at a time, though. So, please choose ONE thing to talk about for tonight, and let's talk about it, calmly".

If she starts ranting after that point.. say that you cant talk with her when she is ranting, and leave for 10 mins.
If she starts wandering to another topic to rant about, remind her that you agreed to stick to one topic for tonight, and you can talk about that other issue tomorrow.

If she just rants at you from the get-go and you dont get a chance to make the "one topic" proposal... then make the choice to talk "over her" (ie while she is talking), and announce that you cant discuss anything while she is ranting at you, and leave for 10 mins.

Basically.. she treats you the way she does, because you allow her to treat you that way.
Stop allowing it.
You may be surprised by the change in dynamics between you two, if you stand firm and do this.

Just so long as you dont "shut her out" completely, but make it clear that you DO wish to discuss her complaints.. as long as she is willing to discuss it with you in a two-way, civilized manner.


Other than that... i'd say just try to stay out of her way. not neccessarily "avoiding her", if she talks to you, etc... just finding somethin for you to do, that keeps you occupied in another room than where she would normally be.

So... that's my suggestions for you.

[Broken Tree]

Bruce,

Thanks for the note. My W just informed me that she is going to the L to "get things going" and see what her options are. I feel like crap today. I feel like I have no control over anything. No control over the future or anything that may come my way. This is a very weak feeling. I wish I could talk some sence into her but she is listening to nothing.

Maybe these things happen for a reason.

Tree

[Bewildered]

<slap> Dude, snap out of it already. You feel like you have no control over this situation BECAUSE YOU HAVE NO CONTROL OF THIS SITUATION!!!!! You need to learn to accept the things you cannot change in life and you will be much happier. Worrying about something you have no control over is just a waste of time and effort. Do you worry that a plane is going to crash into your house right now? It could, you know. But you don't worry about it because you realize you have no control over whether that happens or not. Trust me and the others on this board when they tell you that you have about as much control over what your wife does (having an A, filing for a D, etc.) as you do over a plane crashing into your house.

I'm not ordinarily a preachy person at all, but if you are at all religious you should pray to your God that He help you do the things you can do to the best of your ability, urge the Holy Spirirt to work through your wife, and give the rest of this situation over to Him per His will. That is the only way you'll get through this with your sanity! Good luck, brother.

[Broken Tree]

Thanks Bewildered. I am just not use to this failing feeling. It is very hard. I am having a bad day. I pray all the time and it really helps.