SG my $10 probably worth 2Cents. Realize this is probably the most difficult period of your life. Often multiple major disasters befall you at once. (Health, financial, Military deployment, and so on). Reguardless of your involvement this is a test by fire which you will get through. Like an old warrior you will be stonger, chewed up, and wiser. However you must go through this.
Divorce is like a death however the dead is still alive and the pain is magnified. Recovery comes in stages. Learn them. You will not skip most of them since if you do the missing stage may come back with a vengence. Thus do not jump into another complex relationship immediately to avoid the pain of seperation. You just doubled your failure rate.
This is a time to work on you and rebuild from the ashes. * Find what really motivates you. That is a gift. Often there are numerous things that motivate thus if #1 is totally unobtainable go to your backup. From that * Create a vision of what you want to be in 1, 2, and 5 years. It will change do not worry. From that * create goals. These are major steps to achieve the vision doing the things that motivate you. They can be quantified though usually loosely. Avoid things like ( I will feel better by May 5th) If you fall short evaluate the causes. Maybe you cannot do 20 chinups when 20 lbs overweight. Shorten that step. From that. * Plan and excute actions. They lead to positive habits and the actions become easier. * Rest. (I'm terrible at this) God took a day off. You tougher than God? * Vent. Find a listener who does not go to FIXIT mode. * At the end of each day evaluate. What was good, What was bad, how could you acted or reacted to improve things. Not all evaluations are correct as time goes on you will get better. * DO not beat yourself up. Be honest and realize that you will make mistakes and the same ones over and over. People who swear they never make the same mistake twice are dishonest or are fools and do not realize their mistakes. Avoid them. * If you really fall off the table ok I waxed the table last week. You will fail and learn. No worries. * When you are 100 convinced you are correct and know all the facts there are more facts. We are all just chickens crossing the Dan Ryan (I57 in Chicago) of life. Unless you are these chickens. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ybVb3t560oY
Suggested reading outside DB Purpose filled life to find out what motivates you Rapid relief from Emotional Distress (helps your redirect) The world's greatest Salesman (believe it or not you are always selling yourself) Cat in the Hat. (Cause all this self help makes my brain hurt and all these books pump themselves up in the first few chapters)
"All I want is a weeks pay for a day's work" Steve Martin
One tiny addition to the suggested reading being DB/DR:
Welcome to your Crisis, by Laura Day. Directs you toward the right kind of help for YOU by first identifying YOUR style of responding to a crisis. Also keeps you from beating yourself up when you fall backwards into your typical but outgrown style. I love it. I re-read it about every quarter.
One day at a time. Ask for help. Make mistakes.
That's all the wisdom I have, and none of it's original.
Cry and kick and scream and cry and yell and cry and cuss and cry again THEN get up , dust yourself off
Move forward, do it for you. Do it for your kids. Dont do it for your ex. Do it for you
And know without a doubt, as sure as the sun will come up the next day, you will get better, feel better, do better -be better.. You can, and you will. You are worth it, your children are worth it, Each day, each minute, you are slowly getting ok again
And that's a fact.
Be Happy for this Moment, This Moment is your Life
For probably the first time since the "bomb", you now have absolutely no reason to be doing anything out of any other motivation than that it is what YOU want to do.
That's awesome. Use it and enjoy it.
Make changes to your home that reflect YOU. Refuse to be bound by "that's the way we always did it." This is a time for a new way of life, so incorporate the new into your life for crying out loud.
If you have children, enjoy the heck out of them. Don't stop being Mom/Dad, but show them every moment of every day that your love for them is capable of stopping bullets if necessary, and that it's as endless as the stars.
Make a budget.
Now make a real budget.
Take care of your finances. They probably took quite a hit during the "crazy" times, now it's time to straighten them out. Do what you have to do to live within your budget. Resist the temptation to celebrate your independence by indulging EVERY whim (though the occasional whim-dulgence is good for the soul).
Find a way to exist civily (is that a word??) with the ex. The fireworks are over. All the dirty laundry has pretty much been aired. Time to find a way to make any future interactions as painless as possible. I try my best to treat my ex like I would the shopper in front of me at the grocery store. Polite, cordial, and as little small talk as possible. Seems to be working so far.
Most importantly, think positively about what lies ahead. Trust me, the worst is pretty much over. Time to breathe deeply and EMBRACE the future.
Blessings,
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
I read.........at first it was Healing books, then I moved on to books that helped me move on.
Pray.........talk to God, he's always there, then listen to his whispers.
Count your blessing everyday, remember them at night and Thank God for them.
Let Go Let God, give it all to him.
Give yourself the gift of time...........time does help.
If your hurting really bad, get help, get on medication, go to a counselor.
Come here and vent, share your feelings with people that understand completely what your going through........there's nothing better then knowing your not alone.
Do your best for you and your children, if you can't do it for yourself then do it for them.
Have Faith in Faith.
And just like Bill said, think positive about the future.
PS Karen, I love what you said about crying, screaming, and doing it all over again. So true, nothing wrong with that. It's very healing.
Karen and Friend have such great replies. I ditto them.
The one thing I can add is don't listen to people who want you to "get over it".
We all get over it in our own true time. Those of us here in Surviving know that it takes a very long time to "go on" with our lives. Only we know when that is. So my advice would be to listen to your own heart. You will know when the deal is done. Only you. It doesn't matter how long it takes anyone else.
My other suggestion is to say the Serenity prayer every day and to look up Charles Swindell's "Attitude". Somebody up there made me go to Hyman's in Charleston and find "Attitude". It's a good way to live our lives. That's my motto and I try to live by it now. I know in my heart that if I had had the attitude then that I have now I would not have hurt as much as I did when X left. I look at both every single day of my life and try to live by each. I feel those two little prayers/sayings have made me a better human. In fact, I've given "Attitude" to those who need it most.
The other thing that is dear to my heart is to know and empathise with how the kids are. So many times we are so wrapped up in our grief and ourselves that we don't see what damage is done to our babies. Especially if those babies are older. A lot of times, we just don't know. Mine are first, as are most of us in the DB world. It may take a lifetime for them to get over it, but if they have one parent who they KNOW loves them, it makes all the difference in the world. Especially teenagers.
All our kids want is to be happy and to come home to a happy one. Hence my name.
You have to hurt before you heal. Eventually, the pain will lessen and go away, but for a while you will hurt. There is no easy way to take the pain away. Sometimes people jump into a new relationship too soon to lessen their pain. That doesn't work. You must go through the healing process to come out whole. Our past relationships prepare us for your future relationships if you allow yourself to learn from them. There are no substitutes for time, and in time you will open your heart again.
