This might sound all over the place hopefully not.
We have been together for just about 11 years and married for 4.5 years. My WAW wants nothing to do with me and I completely understand why. We have been separated for about 5 weeks now. W filed divorce papers 3 weeks after her telling me she wanted a D. Typical WAW reasons, I don't love you, emotionally shut you off. You won't ever change it is your personality. I was never attracted to you the whole time we have been together. We are just roommates ETC....
Of course I did the typical cry plead beg, I will change. Calling a million times a day. Spent two days just doing absolutely nothing. Then spent the next few weeks not giving her any space.
My best friend gone. It hurts so much I have had to put a line of pillows next to me in bed just so that at least it feels like she just might be next to me.
As angry as I want to be I am not. I know I did a lot to mess up the communication in our marriage to the point where W did not feel any love from me the last two years.
Fast forward to now, she at least speaks to me somewhat nicely and actually addresses a emails with a opening and her name. Where before she didn't even address me in such away. But not a big deal. But again she is moving so fast it's a bullet train.
Anyhow I just am trying to remain calm and patient. I have turned many things around in my life over the last month and am continuing to work on stuff I never liked about myself. However she just recently asked me to co-sign on a loan. (Ain't that a whoot*). I just ask for any advice. I have posted in newcomers section but I have been separated from W for a bit now so I decided I might try and see if any of you might be able to just lend me a ear. Doing my best to just be patient and give her room. I just pray for a miracle.
I went ahead and met with the W today. I complimented her on how good she looked. Was I wrong to do so? That is something I usually never did. Ehh we only talked long enough to take care of some financial maters and then I gave her somethings I thought she might like. Then I said bye and left. I guess no response either way besides her saying thanks is a good thing?
Telling her she looks nice is OK. As long as there's no ulterior motive, as in, "hubba-hubba, you look great, baby...let's go get busy!"
The absolute and unbreakable key here is...no matter how much you need to show her you care, how much you want to fix things and make it right...you MUST give her space. It is what she craves. Every time you call her, every time you email her, it is disrespecting her need for space.
It's OK to stay in touch. A quick 2 minute call, no relationship stuff AT ALL, likely won't hurt.
NEVER ask, "when are you coming home?".
NEVER whine or let her see you cry.
NEVER beg for anything.
Start making changes...for YOU. She will notice. Don't tell her, because then she will say "why is he telling me?" Only one reason: To try and get her back because you've changed.
Trust me dude. I have made all of the mistakes I have just mentioned. My friends here have talked me off the ledge, I have done as they say, and now it appears my wife will be returning to our marriage.
I will never make the mistakes that split us up again.
Best of luck to you, we are here to help.
Me: 54 Her: 50 and sexy as hell M: 32yrs T: 34yrs Bomb: Sept 26-07 "lost our emotional connection" Bomb 2: Dec 25-07 she's "not feeling desire" She asked if she could come home Apr 26-08! Everything's GREAT!
Mink thanks so much for the advice. Patience and space..... the hardest part of all this imo. In tears as I type I just hope I get that chance with all my heart, mind, soul, and spirit... I hope that chance happens.
Thanks all it means a lot to hear you guys offer advice and an ear to a complete stranger.
So tell me restless, what kind of man do YOU want to be? What are your plans for getting there?
It's hard not to be consumbed by pain and the clutching for hope early on. You need to do something for yourself everyday. It can be small, it doesn't have to be running a marathon. You need to take care of you and value yourself.
Tell her you agree she needs space, dont' give her longing looks when you see her, do not linger nor read too much into anything she says, we women tend to be a bit of drama queens (ok , maybe just me) and she might just say stuff to shock you or get the best of you since she is in the "anger" mode.
The first months are the harderst, hang in there.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
So tell me restless, what kind of man do YOU want to be? What are your plans for getting there?
It's hard not to be consumbed by pain and the clutching for hope early on. You need to do something for yourself everyday. It can be small, it doesn't have to be running a marathon. You need to take care of you and value yourself.
Keep posting. HUGS
Hi Grace, oh I feel most horrible in the mornings and part of the early day. But I have renewed my social circle of friends, been working out have dropped about 30lbs(and counting), re-established my relationship with God, therapy to work on my issues I have, applying to get my masters degree. This is all for me, I realize that I may never be back with my WAW. If things go as she would have me believe then the D will be final in a few more months. I do what I can for myself and the rest I have just laid down to God and I pray for a possible miracle.
Although it is a miracle already that I am where I am. Last few years things were absolutely horrible for me and the W. We both lost touch socially with all our friends etc. She did open up and tell me she had no real life friends hence I feel this might be more of a finding herself and blocking me out thing as well. (I don't know) trying not to think about stuff that will just drive me crazy. Well another day, urge to call W has passed
Well I did call the wife today just to make sure I didn't have to sign anything else before I left the city. I kept to like a 30sec call. Asked how she was obviously gonna get a cookie cutter response but at least no fight. Time to go space for awhile now.... sigh* I miss her so much. Wish I could just take her out for lunch or coffee.
So having a very stubborn wife, who once she goes into a shell is very hard to get anything out of should I be the first to ask her to coffee in a month if things are relatively amicable? Or am I just being stupid here?
So having a very stubborn wife, who once she goes into a shell is very hard to get anything out of should I be the first to ask her to coffee in a month if things are relatively amicable? Or am I just being stupid here?
I have a H that's the same way. We have two D's and quite frankly, I think this is the only reason I have any contact right now.
You can ask. Watch her reaction (I'd ask in person if possible) and depending on you see and what happens....let it go and leave the ball in her court.
