Cog~ thank you for your kind words. You have an amazing way of explaining things to me. Yes I am very excited about this precious gift.... it was amazing to put my ~EGO aside and just listen to everything he said. And " see him with my heart" I actually closed my eyes and listened to him and was not thinking of a rebuttal at all. I just accepted what he said even if it seemed so far from what "I" feel for him.
I actually heard him and felt his pain and like when I first talked to you about the pain I cause him by not letting go,,, I felt it even more this time,, my heart ached for how "Ugly" I make him feel.
And all I have left is to confront myself and hold onto myself and change somehow. I am reading Passionate Marriage and believe me i have read it before, and highlighted many pages and now it is as if it is an entirely different book. My H pain jumps out at me and the way I hide behind my own pain and cling to the past instead of living in the now and soooo much more. I find it amazing that that same book says different things to me now,,, I look at this as....: I in the past was looking for many solutions outside of myself and I do believe from what I have read today that all the answers lie within me but I must be willing to look first and really see who I am and how I contribute to this.
I am also amazed at the fact that my prayers have been answered and really and truly he is coming at my like a MAN, he has enough respect for me to let me know who he is and what he wants,, he used to hide behind a facade of anger. I melted yesterday when he said he wants to spend the rest of his life with me and then today I was a puddle on the floor when he said " I WANT TO SPEND THE REST OF MY LIFE WITH YOU AND ONLY YOU, YOU ARE EVERYTHING TO ME. YOU ARE THE ONLY ONE I WANT TO BE WITH."
It was as if God was coming down and touching my heart and my Husbands, I was beside myself with gratitude and emotion. I cried so hard while he was talking to me. This is the MAN.... the real MAN I knew all along was underneath his BS exterior of anger and bad behavior.
Now the hard part comes in letting go of the past and trusting in this and looking to the future with new eyes.
I read this today: TRUE REMORSE ,involves more than verbal acknowledgement. It also requires an immediate change in behavior.
Interesting.. so by me just saying it and then holding onto the past real hard and not letting the real me thru says to him loud and clear: I am not sorry I dont FORGIVE you , so just take what I am giving you , cause that is all I have. BLEH~
He even said today that he knows I can do more than this and I have it in me but I choose not to. Well he has said that lots of times but before he never said it like this and I was always ready to defend my distorted sense of self,, but he sees me with a different lens and he needs me to be who God really wants me to be.
Facing myself today was hard and hearing the ugly parts of me stung and yet it hurt more that I hurt him.
I also read that I can demand him to be what I want or I can be the person I know he is attracted to . I alone decide which is more likely to bring him around.
Maybe it was me who was afraid ,more than him. I do think it scares me if he loves me like that,, cause it forces me to face intimacy and love him even more and them what on Earth would I do when he is not here? It was easier to look outside and try to fix x, y or z.
'HOLDING ONTO YOURSELF IS VITAL IF YOU WANT MORE SEXUAL PASSION , NOVELTY AND DESIRE IN YOUR MARRIAGE' from ~PASSIONATE MARRIAGE...............
Happiness requires self mastery and self control..... from ~PM
I am afraid to look at myself ,, cause I know this for sure I need to love myself more, all my life I have wanted someone to really love me flaws and all and he does and yet I still do not. I see every flaw in me, like I have posted before. It is so easy for me to love others but me that is hard. I know this wont happen overnite and at the same time I am tired of living like this,,
techniques cant solve interpersonal problems only changes in us.... can!!!!!!!!!!!!! ~ from PM
Enough babbling* Back to my book. I am coming down with the FLU~ so I took a nap before after I read a lot and now back to reading and working on my new Miracle....
..........me loving me and in turn loving my H more and not being afraid of seeing myself in his eyes.
he loves me very much..... embrace it instead of FEAR it.
