I know how hard it is and I frequently fall off of the wagon, but keep it up because no matter what, you will end up better in the end.
grumpyeby,
Your right this is the hardest thing I have ever dealt with. Realizing my shortcomings and his, well it's never easy to face the truth. I think what has been happening to me is that I have only been looking at the good things we will lose and not being realistic about the bad stuff. I really thought about all the wrong things in our marriage and it made it a little more clear about his point of view. It's just hard not knowing if he is going to continue in this other relationship.
I don't know how people find the strength to stand for a marriage when your S wants to stay involved with the OP. The pain is unbearable. Especially because he is being so "great". He is still taking care of all financial stuff and is being nice around me. I wonder why we can't work on this together. I feel like I never got a chance to work on our marriage. He says he regrets not telling me sooner that he was unhappy. He says he didn't realize he was falling out of love with me until he met her.
M:47 M:18 D16, S19 1st S 1/08-5/08 Reconciled/May 7, 2008 Left again Nov 9, 2009 I Filed: Nov 17, 2009 Final: April 14, 2010 EX walked away from kids too
I stepped out and GAL a little bit. Finished up my testing so I can enroll in college and get my degree in nursing. He says he will pay for it and continue to pay for everything. I dont' know why he would offer that. He was still around most of the weekend. We did do some R talk, initiated by me, I just can't seem to stop doing that. It was the same story....Let the dust settle, he doesn't know where this is heading, doesn't want to give me false hope, doesn't want to hurt me.
I am really trying to look at the bigger picture and I am so appreciative that he is financially supporting us and wants to see our children as much as he can, but seeing him everyday is tough. Knowing that he is internally conflicted about his feelings towards me and I don't know what is going on with her. I don't feel like I can ask and he doesn't offer. It's just so weird to not be able to talk to him about everything.
I think that's what bothers me a lot. I don't have anyone to share the mundane things with anymore. I certainly have friends that I talk to but you all know it's not the same when you don't have it anymore. Boy, the things you take for granted.
I approached the idea of having set schedule visitation times and he didn't like that. He said he really wanted to see the kids whenever possible. I am glad that he does, so don't get me wrong, but this makes it difficult to go dark. He goes out of town this weekend for work, I hope I don't fall to pieces more than I already have.
I swear sometimes I think I just can't do this. I wish I could bottle up the PMA that pops up every now and save it for those moments.
M:47 M:18 D16, S19 1st S 1/08-5/08 Reconciled/May 7, 2008 Left again Nov 9, 2009 I Filed: Nov 17, 2009 Final: April 14, 2010 EX walked away from kids too
Okay, trying to look at the positives today. After an all nighter with sick son. I txt H that his buddy was very sick and he called within 2 minutes, for that I am grateful.
Told him we had dr appt at 10:30 and he said to let him know how it went. He called me at 10:50 to check to see what dr said. Of course, we hadn't seen dr yet, so I called to fill him in after that. I am thankful he cares for his son.
He called home this afternoon and talked to S and told him he had to work late tonight and probably wouldn't see him today. This will be the 1st time since he left that he missed a day seeing them. I am grateful he called and told him early in afternoon, instead of us waiting to see if and when he would show up.
I am really trying to focus on the positive things I see and not dwell on the negative things that I don't see.
Is anyone else restless as hell when you are home. I can't seem to get comfortable in this new skin I am suppose to wearing. I hate the radio now and TV sucks. Whoever knew there was so much infedility in the media. It is everywhere.
Last night there was one uncomfortable moment, when he was getting ready to leave and was tickling my around with my daughter and she was trying to get him back and he was holding her off and she said, "DAD, YOUR A CHEATER".
Well, our eyes met on that one and I opened the door and bid him a goodnight and to have a good day tomorrow.
Do the triggers ever go away?
M:47 M:18 D16, S19 1st S 1/08-5/08 Reconciled/May 7, 2008 Left again Nov 9, 2009 I Filed: Nov 17, 2009 Final: April 14, 2010 EX walked away from kids too
Okay, trying to look at the positives today. After an all nighter with sick son. I txt H that his buddy was very sick and he called within 2 minutes, for that I am grateful.
Told him we had dr appt at 10:30 and he said to let him know how it went. He called me at 10:50 to check to see what dr said. Of course, we hadn't seen dr yet, so I called to fill him in after that. I am thankful he cares for his son.
He called home this afternoon and talked to S and told him he had to work late tonight and probably wouldn't see him today. This will be the 1st time since he left that he missed a day seeing them. I am grateful he called and told him early in afternoon, instead of us waiting to see if and when he would show up.
I am really trying to focus on the positive things I see and not dwell on the negative things that I don't see.
Is anyone else restless as hell when you are home. I can't seem to get comfortable in this new skin I am suppose to wearing. I hate the radio now and TV sucks. Whoever knew there was so much infedility in the media. It is everywhere.
Last night there was one uncomfortable moment, when he was getting ready to leave and was tickling my around with our daughter and she was trying to get him back and he was holding her off and she said, "DAD, YOUR A CHEATER".
Well, our eyes met on that one and I opened the door and bid him a goodnight and to have a good day tomorrow.
Do the triggers ever go away?
I am such a dork, I tried to edit my post because I said my daughter in the 1st post and I thought I was changing it to our daughter. Too little sleep and too little food these days.
Last edited by sandycay; 03/11/0811:40 PM.
M:47 M:18 D16, S19 1st S 1/08-5/08 Reconciled/May 7, 2008 Left again Nov 9, 2009 I Filed: Nov 17, 2009 Final: April 14, 2010 EX walked away from kids too
I agree that TV SUCKS in times like these. So many channels, and nothing but infidelity. I rent movies now. NOTHING with love, or relationships. Last night I watched Saw4. OK. I don't really recommend it, but I was looking for something NOT related to relationships or marriage...and that certainly fit the category.
Me 36 Husband 35 D5 S2 separated: 10/29/07-present Served divorce papers 1/22/09 "When the world gives out beneath your feet, it is time to learn how to fly."
I can totally relate to how you are feeling with your H. Mine is still in limited contact with the OW, but just the mere fact that I KNOW he is talking to her now and then makes me hurt so badly. I have no idea how others around here handle it.
I think you are doing a good job. Keep looking at those positives. I know that is what keeps me going day after day.
Your H does sound like a good man and at least he hasn't stopped talking to your kids. That is a good thing.
I know what you mean about TV. I was watching one of those 48 hours mysteries (which I usually enjoy watching) and it was about a husband who was cheating on his wife with the babysitter and ended up killing his wife! Oh my gosh, I was bawling so badly and freaked out. Everything in life seems to point directly to affairs and divorce....songs, conversations with others, books, TV...etc. It is AWFUL!
Anyhow...I just want you be encouraged that you aren't doing that terrible. I know that I am one of the WORSE DBers here...but we are all here supporting each other.
Sara
Me-31 H-38 M: 5 yrs T: 7 yrs No kids Went to Prostitutes 10-1-06 Found out about OW 12-24-07 Bomb on EA/PA: 1-2-08 OW ended it with H "for good" 3-8-08 OW is back 4-19-08 H and OW tell me that they are in love 5-19-08 Filed for divorce 6-5-08 Divorced 7-2-08
. Last night I watched Saw4. OK. I don't really recommend it, but I was looking for something NOT related to relationships or marriage...and that certainly fit the category.
That would scare the crap out of me. I can't watch horror flicks anymore.
M:47 M:18 D16, S19 1st S 1/08-5/08 Reconciled/May 7, 2008 Left again Nov 9, 2009 I Filed: Nov 17, 2009 Final: April 14, 2010 EX walked away from kids too
I know what you mean about TV. I was watching one of those 48 hours mysteries (which I usually enjoy watching) and it was about a husband who was cheating on his wife with the babysitter and ended up killing his wife! Oh my gosh, I was bawling so badly and freaked out.
Sara
I know in between the time I found about the affair and when he broke it off (with her)for the ten days,(before he moved out)I had thoughts about her coming into my life and hurting my kids or me. I was certainly looking over my shoulder. I don't now that's he is out of the house. I told him you never know who is a weirdo out there and of course, he defended her and said she would never do that. Of course, I am sure that's what every spurned lovers spouse thought, right before they got it.
I don't worry about it now. I just was really mad that he invited that possability into our kids lives.
M:47 M:18 D16, S19 1st S 1/08-5/08 Reconciled/May 7, 2008 Left again Nov 9, 2009 I Filed: Nov 17, 2009 Final: April 14, 2010 EX walked away from kids too
I just figured out he lied about having to work tonight and it seems very likely that she flew all the way from Qatar to be here. He would have no other reason to lie.
What do I do? Confront him and ask him what's up? Let it ride. I really want to go to his apt and confront the both of them.
I really don't know why he would lie to me unless he is unsure what he wants to do. But isn't he making that obvious with his decision to be with her. Why the string along?
I really was doing so well until tonight. It's going to be a long night and I don't know how to act when I see him next. I am usualy not able to hide my feelings.
M:47 M:18 D16, S19 1st S 1/08-5/08 Reconciled/May 7, 2008 Left again Nov 9, 2009 I Filed: Nov 17, 2009 Final: April 14, 2010 EX walked away from kids too
It sure isn't easy, is it! What I've learned on this board is that A's tend not to die a sudden death, they take their own sweet time in ending (of course, my W's never did but...) What I learned in my own experience is to concentrate on YOU! Do things to make Sandy feel like a full, talented, wonderful person. You can't do anything about H's antics, nothing...but you can take care of Sandy. I'm talking from experience and the more you do for yourslef and the less you focus on him, the better you will feel and, believe it or not, the better you will DB.I feel for you Sandy, it sucks big time. My W went away for 10 days with her lover to Japan so I can understand what you're feeling right now. My W even phoned me to ask if she could bring me anything back...I'm serious! I almost said "bring me back OP's head in a box" but I didn't, it wouldn't have helped and what the heck would I do with a head anyway, it just wouldn't fit in the china cabinet and, at some point, it would start to smell... Feel better, you will ya know!
Feel better, you will ya know!