Help me act AS IF, Thread 4

[newnamenewlife]

Here we go again. I am having a miserable day. I can't stop crying. H tried to talk to me about moving out and I panicked and got furious. At one point I said it was premature for him to leave and he said something to the effect of how he's been building up to this for 15 years.

That set off my tears again. I can't believe he would say that. Could that be true? Why was he being so loving and writing me love letters all that time?

He tries to be nice to me most of the time, says he bears me no "ill will" and wants to know what would I would like to happen as far as custody of the kids, etc. This might sound good, but IT BURNS ME UP EVEN MORE because it proves how utterly dispassionate he is, how easy it is for him to treat me like a friend and nothing else.

He cares a lot about our Ds, which is lovely, but will do nothing to work on our M. He says he must be true to his feelings (IDLYA). What about MY feelings?

I can't seem to let go, much as I want to. My C thinks I have PTSD and I agree. My father killed himself when I was 6, after being a completely adoring daddy. I have also lost my two half-siblings. I simply can't take another huge loss like this. Anytime it becomes real to me (when he talks about moving) my adrenalin kicks in and I fall apart. It makes it so hard to do the 180s when I have such a powerful reaction, one that feels out of my control.