Yesterday (Monday), W calls me in the morning. I answer and the first thing out of her mouth is "We need to put together a settlement agreement". Oh Hell... BTW-neither of us have attorneys at this time. So the first thing I'm thinking is that I've been completely wrong, none of this is about her turning back to me, and this is the beginning of the end. We discuss some stuff, I stay calm, she raises her voice a few times, etc... Maybe this is my doing. The day before, I said she should move back into our smaller house, I'll live in the big house (its for sale right now) and find another place in the near future. This seemed to get her thinking, because she said to me that in order for her to move back there, we need to figure out the numbers.
I got a call from Ss11 around 5:00, asking me to meet them at the park and bring all the baseball stuff. I'm working across town at the time, so I get to the park around 6:00 and they get there five minutes later. W stays away from me, never says a word the entire hour. Whatever.
OK, so this morning, we have the co-parent counseling session. I made a decision that I'm going anti-DB and intend to lay it all on the line. Which I do. After some small talk about fairly minor kid matters, I let go. Very calmly, I tell the counselor and my wife that I'm having a difficult time adjusting to the co-parent role, mainly because I have a great deal of resentment towards W. Not anger or hate I point out; resentment. I resent that she has destroyed our family and quit on all of us. I say that I resent what she is taking from our children, that being memories of growing up in a loving home with their mother and father. I certainly resent what she has done to me, the affairs, and even finding someone else before kicking me to the curb. She said nothing. I then say that even though I have this resentment, and it is for me to deal with, I also have something else, and that is a lot of love for her. I say directly to her "W, I love you, have always loved you and am certain that I always will. I love our family and want to do what we can to put it all back together. I want to raise our children together and grow old with you." ....and some other stuff. I don't ask to do this now, I don't say "take me back" or anything like that. I did bring up one small thing, and that is when I've done some nice things for her lately (a bit of shopping since I was already at Costco, or going to get a gas can and put gas in her car because she forgot to and it didn't have enough to get to the gas station), that she didn't show any appreciation or say thank you.
Sooooo, the counselor looks at her and says "how do you feel hearing that?" Silence. I glance over, she's not mad or shaken, just looks like she's trying to process it all. I think it's a good time to leave them alone, so I excuse myself for a couple of minutes and go get some water. I return and W says that right now, she just wants to be alone with the kids. Not being mean though. She goes on to explain that she realizes that she has never been alone, that she's always been in a relationship with someone, and that now, she just needs to be alone. She said last year, she needed to be with someone, went on some dating sites, went out with a few guys (she didn't mention her "soulmate", the electrician) and just came to realize that it wasn't what she was looking for or needed. She goes on to say that she hasn't dated anyone in "months and months and months and months" and isn't interested in anyone right now, isn't looking, and has no desire to date or otherwise entangle herself with anyone. She also admitted that last year (when she was totally bonkers) she didn't put the kids as her first priority, and that's what she's doing now. She tells us that she has really enjoyed the last few months in that she has been able to really spend the time looking into herself and is now dealing with a lot of the issues from her past, and understanding them, and herself, better. If she was in any sort of relationship right now, she says, then she doesn't feel that she could keep up this learning about herself.
I interjected and said that I totally understand and respect what she is saying. I mention that there were times in our relationship where it was obvious she was putting so much effort into me and the kids that there was no way for her to spend time reflecting on herself, and that I recognize my role in that. Meaning, in my own individual counseling my counselor correctly made me understand that I was putting my own unmet needs from my childhood on my wife, making her responsible for my happiness (something like that). I also take the opportunity to point out that I had been involved with someone for the past six or so months (W knew this already as did the counselor) and that I recently ended it. The counselor asked if it was because I knew I couldn't be fully present with someone else when I really wanted to restore my marriage. I replied yes, without hesitation.
All right - what do we have here? 1. I feel soooooooooo much better for getting this off my chest. I said some things that I've been waiting a long time to say. 2. W never got defensive, and I didn't go on the offense, either. Calm discussion. 3. Most importantly to me, W had many chances to say something like "and when I do decide that it's time for me to not be alone anymore, DNQ, you need to understand, I have no intention of being with you. That's over forever."
All in all, a very positive session today.
So, a couple hours later, I called her because I was at Sam's Club getting something for my business, and since I was there, I picked up something from the frozen section that I had promised Ss11. I asked W if she was going to be home for a while so I can drop it off, since I'm not going to my house to put it in the freezer. She says yes, then asks if I could pick her up a couple items while I'm there. No problem. I take the stuff to her house, carry it in, drop it off and say good-bye and turn to leave. She makes it a point, in a mocking, but comical way, to say thank you. Good. I say good-bye and leave.
You know, many, many people warned me to not try to manipulate her into any sort of counseling, saying she's not ready for it, or that she has to be the one to initiate it. I have plotted and planned this day for months, and I'm glad I went on my instincts. I took a risk, and from what I can see (and I know it's early), it was worth it.
