save a spot, will be here at some point

[Aud31]

I don't know all the ins-and-outs of D...but I really hate that he's started threatening *you* with getting a L. You stay firm hon, and let him throw his tantrums. His bed. He can sleep in it.

Wish I could make some phone calls for you today.

[cat03]

hey hon))))))) thanks for coming by

Well, I really wanted him off my back, and I'm risking him actually getting a D L to go into full court battle, he really does think I'm cooking up something to screw him up royally and no amount of me telling him I wont' does any good.

Not looking forward to tonight, we'll go over mediator info and then the dreaded convo about the letter will come up.

ok, JUST had an idea. What I if I tell him I will sign the letter if he pays for a lawyer of my choosing to do it? otherwise he can just wait until mediation?

[DiDi]

Cat... please don't sign anything. He is pushing too hard. He's up to something. Red flags have been going up ever since you mentioned this.

This is a man who was looking up how to fake divorce papers on the internet. There is no way signing that paper can benefit you and your kids. This I know.

A court battle? What's he going to pay for it with? He doesn't want lawyers involved. Where would you claim "abandonment"? How would that benefit you? You'd get to stay in the house? Forgive me if I remember this wrong, but wasn't he going to let you and the kids live in the house?

Just tell him you'll sign something after you get legal advice when you feel comfortable doing so. Who cares what he thinks. Not to bring the psycho up--- but she had been advising him to screw you and take your kids! What if this is advice she's gleaned from the internet? Maybe I'm full of it. Sorry for butting in. Just be careful sweetie.

[kml]

I would NOT say by mutual agreement. You didn't want him to leave - you wanted him to quit having an affair and work on the marriage. I don't consider that mutual agreement.

I doubt there's any harm in simply signing something that says "My H moved out of the marital home on ....". Period. That's a simple fact and one you don't contest. Don't say another word past that...

Heyt - wait a minute - how many years have you been married? There are certain things that are affected by the length of the marriage (like 10 years to qualify to draw social security based on his income versus yours). Any important numerical anniversaries coming up?????????? If you are just shy of 10 or 20 years, you might want to be very careful.

Get legal advice.

Ellie

[Aud31]

Cat hon, I think you possess my tendency to feel horrible that someone might be upset with you in any way. For any reason, regardless of whether they're friend or foe. But things are at a point where you have to LET THAT GO and realize that there is no way to get through this without its accompanying negativity. It's the ANT concept on steroids.

You owe this man *nothing*. That he is raving worried that you're going to 'screw him over' is nothing more than his own guilt eating him alive and kicking his survival instinct into overdrive, garnished with OW's poisonous input. That's not your problem.

Please, talk to the L first.

[cat03]

thanks everyone))))))) I highly value your imput. I told H I was not signing, of course he fumed, but I was adamant that unless he paid for a L working for me I wasn't going to do it.

OT was right, the more time passes the more he is pulling back his offers. He is now whining that he's taking w/him the biggest debt (the one he brought back from the 1rst S, where he spent $$ like water on restaurants, gadgets,clothes,VEgas gambling,etc) he has some NERVE!! he's done that 2x now in the past week.
I do think someone is poisoning him, he was fine with that before and now he brings the cc debt as if he's doing me a favor.
And tonight he mentioned how little he'd benefit from not selling the house, WOA!!! he said he'd let us stay here and then get the proceeds when the house sells, he is expecting all the equity 'til then, I told him he gets the equity for the past 7yrs he's been here, he didn't look too happy about it.
THe house had gone up in value thanks to the skyrockting prices of last year, but it also lost value due to the recent housing market, homes 50x better than my place are NOT selling, we'd be luck to sell this place that needs lots of upkeep.

He pushed the letter again, and i told him I already agreed on mediation, if he wanted to call right now, he did, talked to the guy and we'll be going on friday. In the meantime I must see my own L til then, I really don't have any $$ for it but I have to at least 1hr, I have a bit of time. H and I agreed on an amount that seemed fair to both of us for CS, though I would like to check one more time, maybe L can help there.

Making the list now, I know he's going to balk about a few things, oh well, dont' care, will do my best to not leave anything to chance.

[cat03]

I'm changing my name for now, just in case H is snooping, long ago he found a sheet I printed from here with my screen name on it, so, I better be carefull, just in case...

[cat03]

I'll be going to a lawyer tomorrow, got all my stuff written down. H is still fuming and trying to forget that the huge debt was all his doing, was trying to make it a credit to himself for taking it, AS IF!! he brought that debt when we got back together, it is 100% his and I made sure we were clear on that. The weight of it is now squarely on his shoulders and it is crushing him, before, i took care of it all.

We talked to s9...and...he said nothing! I couldn't believe it. The only thing he said was a disspointed "ahhhh!", and that was it, no tears, no whys, right after the talk he wanted us to see a part of his spidey game and was excited about it. ??? Perhaps it hasnt' sunk in or the fact that he will be staying home with me and nothing else will change makes him feel that all is still ok? I'm baffled, he cried for weeks when our cat died, we both sobbed nights, I really thought he'd be crushed, then again the story would be different if I were telling him I was the one leaving.

I was just reading the story about the NY governor, and I just liked this section of the article about why men make stupid decisions:

"It's narcissism," he said. "They have a self-centered and distorted view of themselves in relation to the world. They feel the world revolves around them and they take liberties crossing the boundaries."

"The rules don't apply to them," he added. "They feel that if they get caught it will be covered or hushed up or there won't be any consequences."

[oldtimer]

I hate to tell you this, but it is probably considered joint debt.

When I got D, I had about $13,000 in student loans incurred over a period of years that H and I both used to live on while I was in school and working, and he was doing very little of either. It was joint debt that we decided to take on together.

H had about the same amount of debt. All of his $13,000 was incurred in a matter of months with his GF, buying her a car, furnishings, travel, etc...

Because we were married, all of this was counted as joint debt, and the debt cancelled out.

PLEASE quit talking to H about this stuff. It is not going to help. When you tell him, "THAT is your debt," you are going to get him in a defensive mode, scrambling to go to a L, finding out things that are not to your advantage.

PLEASE quit telling him your strategy. If you are using a mediator, there is no reason for him to even know about your L.

PLEASE quit saying things to H that make it sound like he deserves whatever kind of rough financial time he is going to have. Whether or not this is true, H does not believe it is true. You give him ammunition and bolster his view of you as the enemy, thereby making YOUR chances of a good settlement less likely.

Stop talking, stop sharing strategy. It is not going to help. He will not see things your way.

[cat03]

wow! I didn't know that, he is rethinking stuff, yikes.
Ok OK, wont' open my mouth anymore. He doesn't know I'm going to a L tomorrow and I wont' tell him either. We already agreed not to mentioned the debts at the mediator, so I'll shut up now, argh! thanks for your help OT, I need more help than I think.