Hi Jack! How was jury duty? All finished now? Yep, I'm starting back at the beginning. It's like starting over but with knowledge of what to do as well. So it should be good!
Ali, I didn't take offense to the word "needy". I just don't like that word because I picture some sappy hopeless negative person living life for H/W instead of themselves. I'm living life as well but just don't post much about outside life here. Maybe I should?
About the talk. It was to be an R talk, or a talk "to talk about everything. Depending on what we both say will tell us where to go from here I guess." H's words. However, that never happened. He didn't set it up and I never heard from him. D and I went out as usual on Friday and then went to a spaghetti dinner yesterday and had a good time. Then today I was out with the dog and H calls. H wants to know if he can see D for a few hours. Tells me he's sorry about everything he's ever done to hurt me and never meant to and that he's a jerk for it all. He said he's going to talk to his parents after visit with D to see if he can move back in with them instead of staying with his friend in the city. He wouldn't get into detail but said he "needs to get away from the bullsh*t there". That's means he'll be living 4 blocks from us then. Maybe we'll hear from him more often. He said he's VERY depressed and needs to talk to his parents first to get some things going before anything else. He said when he moved out from our house, he said "this is what's best for everyone" and that obviously isn't true and he was being a big jerk. Soooo, that's where I'm left. Same ol', same ol'. I'm taking this talk as a good baby step since he opened up to me. I've got to start practicing listening and validating.
Thats amazing!! You got it all there in a nutshell, sounds like he summed up the whole sorry mess and apologised. All he hasnt figured out yet then is where to go from here. But yes, I think thats massively positive that he opened up to you and said all of that ! Yes, keep listening and validating and allowing him to "vent". And carry on no contact unless necessary ! Only respond to him..how are you doing with that?
We've only made small talk today really, via email. I have a hard time with not asking "what about us?" when we're talking this nicely. I don't know how he doesn't know what to do/say about R when it's been fine between us. So confusing!
He is seriously depressed though and having a hard time with this. He thought leaving me would make things better and I can see that he's just going from place to place to figure things out and that didn't work so he's going back to his parent's place for now. Again, hopefully that'll be a good thing since he'll be 4 blocks away from us and can work on us then as well. It'll also keep him away from the b.s. of his 'friends' that don't say anything to help him. Who knows though. He could also be moving back with parents to save money to start D process. Not sure. He said he didn't know when he was moving but has already talked to his friend/room mate already about leaving.
You have to give him space Dar..thats what he wants, thats what hes tried to get by walking out on you and your D. Its ok to have neutral daily small talk, but DONT ASK HIM about your R ! It will be counter productive. You just need to be there for him whilst he works through this depression. Do you think romance or building an R would be the first thing on your mind if you were feeling as low as him? I know its frustrating you arent getting what yuo want (as it is for me as I suspect my BF is depressed) but if it helps..tty putting yourself in his shoes?
I suspect, being an Aries girl, you struggle with being patient?? Seems you want him to strat R talks as soon as you have a nice day or two of conversations? Its not confusing, other than he is confused I guess, because he has depression? And thats not nice, if you've ever been depressed, you would know.
Try doing something to help you be patient..what about yoga or meditation, or listening to music to distract your mind when you get frustrated that things arent moving fast enough?
I dont know...maybe others have some better advice, but it sounds to me like annoying as it is, in order to get what you want you may only get that by not getting waht you want, for now.. give him space to think and get over his depression!?
Ali xx
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
Okay, so here's my crappy day today...... Took D out to dinner last night b/c I didn't feel like cooking. I'm glad I did because she needed to talk to me and I don't think that would have happened at home eating dinner. Anyway, some girl in her class (they're in 2nd Grade!) is going to the bathroom right after D is and telling D to kiss her or she's going to tell the whole class that D is making her kiss her. I asked her where and she said "on my mouth but she puts her tongue in my mouth." WHAT?!?!?!?!?!! She said she's done this 3 times and doesn't like it at all but the girl will tell the whole class it's D if she doesn't let her kiss D. WHAT?!?!?!?!? I told her that I'm glad she told me and from now on I want her to also speak up for herself and tell this girl NOT to do anyting to you. This girl also told D "if you kiss privates, they turn purple" WHAT?!?!?!?!?!?! I'm FURIOUS, Disgusted that a 7 year old would pick this up from somewhere, mortified, etc etc, you name it! I went and spoke to the before/after care teachers (since this is where it's happening) and told them they are not allowed to play together anymore at all and I want D going to the bathroom with an adult. Then, as I was talking to these teachers, D's class teacher was in the hall so I stopped her as well since D and this girl are in class together all day. It's now elevated to the principle and the social worker. The before/after teacher is also calling the girl's aunt (mom gave her up at 3 years old). I haven't slept ALL night but 30 minutes, my eyes burn from crying (I cry when I'm mad) this morning and I'm just sick to my stomach over this. Just needed to vent and get this off my chest. Sorry for the details.
She's troubled I'm sure b/c of her mom giving her up at 3 years old. She's got a massive attitude and her aunt told me that they moved to this town for the better schools since the girl was really bad at the old place. I can only imagine if this is good to her, what bad was like then. I just wish my D wasn't the one that was picked to get involved. I'm telling you, I'm literally sick over this, but I'm VERY glad that D came to me finally since, to me, this is a serious issue.
BND, I want H back because I do love him and he really is a good person (before this MLC came into play anyway). I'm sure you wanted your H back as well b/c you knew this MLC man wasn't the same guy you married.
When we email, sometimes I reply right away and sometimes I wait at least 1 hour. Again, it's just small talk.
Do you not see him being a good guy and wanting to want to get out of MLC? If you see something else, please share.
I'm trying to have the no expectations BND, I am. I know it would be easier not to have them as well. It's just as hard for me to have no expectations as it is to pretend he's dead like suggested when I first came on board here.
