Well I am here once again posting and I feel very relieved and tired at the same time. I have once again spoken to my husband. He is rerally surprising me and he is being boldy honest. I am amazed at his strength and his vulnerability. He said these things to me.... I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I want you to understand me.... I want you to think real hard about our R and how we can make it better.
( the " we " part amazed me cause yesterday and almost always it has been my fault alone...)
He said I need you to talk about this and tell me what you think will help and what I can do to change too. If you change I will change too. I want you to show me you need me , you want me and you desire me. I never see it or feel it , you just sit there and dont show me anything and it gets me soooo angry and FRUSTRATED. and all I can do is wonder why........... It is so strange but it is af is this was one of the few times when my mind really heard what he said, it hit me like a ton a bricks. I sobbed. I alone have had the power ,cause he loves me really , to let him down when he was waiting for a crumb from me.
I have been working so hard to get thru and was always trying so hard to figure out why he acted the way he did and when we had our conversation earlier today he actauly told me so much.
I can also say I have realized that I was so hard trying to somehow fix me when what was needed for us was for me to grow and allow myself to love him. I did need fixing but even more than tweeking me I needed to just let go and love. When you see children they just love from a pure place, they dont question should I give a hug right now? Should I say I love him? Will he reject me? they just love and run up to you and make you feel thier love. I am / was giving my love from a genuine place but also from a place of fear of not being sure I was "doing " it right. Is there really a right way to love? I dunno? But I need to let my guard down and really do this and let him in. For so long I have been searching for him to be this and he was waiting too, only he did a lot of soul searching in the wrong ways... but anyway .
I am committed to working harder and to keep posting. Most of my posting will be me thinking out loud and just blogging here. I am trying to find a solution a way to get thrhu to my own heart and say to my heart: he really does love you Alicia take the risk dive in head first and love back w/o worry. I think it thru too much and I also am so afraid of him rejecting me that it is safer to stay than to risk. I also have ben trying so hard to get into his heart and tell him how I feel and yet I dunno if I was really doing that somehow I was not reaching him.
I WANNA SEE YOU WITH MY HEART.... FROM THE MOVIE WINN DIXIE
