Hanging in there....

[Sugar and Spice]

Well, I just have to get this off of my chest...

H and I went to mc for the first time in a month, last time I ended up cussing him out and the C said we needed some time to work on our own "issues". It went ok, but he was just being a child. He kept giggling and just kind of being a pompous ass. The C asked him more than once, "Is there something funny about this?" "What is so amusing?" He says he was emabarrassed, he should be, but anyway it was really frustrating. He was defending the OW which made me want to smack him. He was complaining that even though he is gone and spending all of his free time with OW, I don't pursue him...as if! I told him that I don't CHOOSE to participate in a relationship with him and OW and until something changes there, that I won't pursue that. The C and I both had to point out, "You have a girlfriend, why would she pursue you?" He just didn't seem to get it! He then tells the C that he thinks he will end up at home, he just needs to get his head together and go to his own C and work this out.

He went to his first session with new C on Friday and I had to drop off my S12 baseball hat to him. I was hoping he would still be inside so I could just drop it and go, but no luck. H kept asking me "Whats wrong?" I kept saying nothing, but then I slipped and started a R/OW talk. BIG MISTAKE!!! HUGE! H got all mad and said that I just needed to understand that we are separated and to get over it. I asked him if that meant I should/could get a OM and he said, "If thats what you think you need to do!" and I said "Good to know" and then told him I was out and left. He called me a few mins later to tell me that he understood and knew that I would be calling him later to tell him I was sorry and that I felt guilty about the R talk and to his surprise I told him I wouldn't and that I didn't feel bad. Made him even more mad. FFW....

H picked kids up Fri. afternoon to keep them because I had to work on Sat. He calls me at 6pm and wants to know what I'm doing, when I said I was getting ready to meet a friend he said, "I'll let you go then." I asked him what was up and he said "Nevermind, you're busy." and I said "OK." and hung up the phone. He ended up leaving my kids with my MIL so he could go and gamble. So my friend and I went and had dinner and a couple drinks and decided to go to the card room and check it out.

We walked in and were headed to the bar and I spotted him at a table and OW was sitting right next to him. He never even looked up. So we sat at the bar and watched them for awhile. She kept getting up and going over to a table where she had some food and was getting her grub on. I had never seen her up close before and I was scared! She stared us down as well, but not because she knew who I was, thats just how she is I guess. I saw one of the waitresses and I took her wedding pictures and we were talking and she was shocked to find out that my H was married (no one there knows) and was having an A with OW. When we got ready to leave I had a drink (diet coke) delivered to him and she told him it was from me. I stood by a table and the look on their faces was priceless...not really shock, just embarrassment. I waved and then flipped them off (I shouldn't have) and left. It was the best thing I have done yet. It may not follow DB principles, but it has really helped me detach and be able to reconcile in my own mind that this is his choice and that I will just need to really GAL and go on.

He ended up calling me at 3:45 in the morning and telling me that he was sorry that I had seen that, blah, blah,blah and that ulimately he just needed to get this out of his system and that he thought he would be home. I really didn't say too much back. When I got home the next day from work, he was in my bed and looked terrible (he had only had a couple hours of sleep over a period of about 3 days) and my S later told me he was in there before I got home and my H had been crying.

Any comments are welcome, I am avoiding R talks like the plague, however I did tell him what I had been told about her that night and thought he should know. He got angry and said he was going to confront her and that she would probably be calling me for talking bad about her and I reminded him that I didn't know her, that this is what people that know her have said about her...big difference. If I was going to try and convince him she is as shady as she is, wouldn't I have told him this when I first found out? I guess that made some sort of sense to him, but I ended it with, "This was just for your information, do with it what you will. I only want whats best for you and you need to make informed decisions. I don't think everything that was said is the gospel, however I think there is at least a grain of truth in all of it and I think in light of the fact that we have children that I wouldn't want that type of element around them. But I realize that this life is what you choose and she is your choice for right now." Since then he has been the one to bring her up and I remind him, "She is your choice." I don't really have anything else to say about it.