Thanks CK for your words. I had a good talk with a friend last night who has been very supportive. I didn't sleep well, not surprisingly I guess, and I've been awake since early obsessing about selling the place, where will I live, her being with other men, etc. I've tried putting the brakes on thinking like this because it does tend to overwhelm me, but it's not easy to stop.
I wrote in my journal a little today. Feel like I've been knocked on the head with a 2 x 4, and don't want to go to work. I arranged to come in a little later and work later, so that helped me rest up a bit this morning. I've been thinking about the idea of dropping the rope somehow, though I'm not sure the extent to which I've done this before or not, or how to do it. It doesn't feel right to go dark...and I am very sensitive to her words and can really get myself into huge ups and downs. But still, I'm not feeling optimistic about any of this. I'm really scared that she's going to go away for her next trip (leaves end of the month for 2 weeks), come back and say "its done". That will leave her about 5 weeks on her lease where she is staying and I imagine that will be a window for selling the house.
I'm trying to bring focus back to what I need to be working on as a person no matter what happens:
1. my confidence, decision making. In some areas, I don't trust myself much.
2. building more social connections. I've been taking several steps on this...it's hard for me because I'm pretty shy. But I need to push myself more here. At least I'm taking some action steps, even though they are so pathetic compared to W.'s life.
3. somehow need to stop comparing myself to W.!!!! how do I do this?
4. build more PMA into my day-to-day life...even to start small. I realize that I focus a lot on negatives. I don't know if I can do a 180 on this, but even to move in a more positive direction would help, just day-to-day.
5. stay physically fit...I've been doing really well with this. Somehow, I feel so unattractive, but maybe that's normal when W. tells me she feels nothing sexually--for me (but feels things about others).
Honestly, I feel so mixed up right now. If she doesn't want to be with me, then I feel like there's nothing I can do. I want to work on myself but I still want to be who I am. This hurts so much.
I have engaged with W. in humour, joking...this was always a positive part of our relationship. I think she does respond well to it, seems to help her relax a bit. It's such a weird place to be...knowing that she really does care a lot about me, but at the same time feels like she is a million miles away emotionally.
I got feedback from someone that she is always in the driver's seat in this process. I'm not sure how to change that, because it feels like to initiate contact will potentially push her away. I don't think I should contact her right now...maybe wait a day or two and see if she emails?
I feel +++ confused and I don't know if I'm reading too negative into things, but I do not feel hardly any hope.
