Broken Tree WAW- MLC

[minkerman]

Tree...how are things going? How was it when you came home?

Let us know, pal...

[Broken Tree]

Thanks for checking in guys.

I got home very late last night and slept late and had to get to work so there was not much interchange between me and the W. She asked me how the trip was. I said spectacular and said I had to get to work. I didn't want to ask her how her weekend was because i didn't want to be snooping/prying. I feel I was a little impersonal but there is a fine line between giving her space, detaching and being careing and personal. I am hurting a little today just thinking about the sitch. I wish all this would just go away. I wish there was a silver bullet. We had no contact for almost a week therefore no arguments or disagreements which was very nice. I feel like something is going to happen soon but I am trying not to assume anything.

I am going to be away this weekend also for a Soccer Tourney in Virgina with S12 so it will be more space for her and I was thinking about taking the kids to Vermont the following weekend.

I am trying to asses how i feel about her now. I know I still love her and care very much about her future but when I look at her all I can think of is all the selfish pain that she is putting us thru and all the lies about her whereabouts.

A lot of my friends and family are saying "just get Divorsed" for they see how much pain I am in but they have no idea how I feel and what is going on in my head. They just want my pain to go away. I am not ready to give up yet. I feel so bad for my kids, they love me so much.

I am getting tired of this and yet I feel that is what she wants me to feel so I will just give up and then she dose'nt have to feel bad, more like it is my decision. I know that deep down in she loves me very much but is suppressing those feelings, but how long can she do this for? I also have the OM/ER in my mind all the time. I don't think there is anything there but I can't stop thinking about it.

What do you think?

[fish]

BT - Your sitch is status quo and unfortunately, based upon the circumstances, this could continue for a very long time unless you force her hand.

Personally, I would go on the offensive. Make her nervous.

Tell her that you recently met with your lawyer and within the next 2 weeks you are going to make a decision regarding filing for divorce. Tell her that your lawyer advised you to be the plaintiff. Make her think that you are ready to move on and you want the divorce.

It may force her hand.

Things are very good in my world. Feels good to be back in the house and to be enjoying my time with W. We are giving each other LOTS of space. This is a big adjustment.

In less than 3 weeks we will be on a plane to the Caribbean. Wow - I never thought that would have been happening 4 months ago.

For us, it was all about chemistry. We really missed each other. We also have a better understanding of our roles. W understands that she married a "man's man" and I understand that I married a successful businesswoman. We are a hell of a lot better together than apart. Kidlet is SOOOOOOO happy that mom and dad are back together.

Good luck my brother!

[saffie]

BT,

Asking your W how her weekend was isn't prying - it's just civillity and politeness. It's the kind of things I ask friends I bump into after a weekend. I think NOT asking those sort of questions is actually sending off a not so good message. You don't have to analyse her answer in great depth and keep on questioning her, but to not ask at all just seems cold.

I would also caution you regarding making threats about actions. You don't sound as though you are ready to do the things that fish mentioned and if you threaten things and DON'T follow through you just lose credibility. Just like with children, you should never say you will do something if you aren't willing to back it up. You will know if you reach that point.

[Broken Tree]

Saffie,

Thanks,

I guess you mean threatening/actions about D. I was not going to do that. If she wants that she is going to have to make that decision and do all the work to get it done. This is not what I want.

I know that she went out Friday night and she does not like me asking details so I have to be very careful there. That's why I didn't ask. It hurts not to ask but so be it. I am acepting the pain now and I know I will be OK someday. It may not be soon but I will be fine.

Tree

[Broken Tree]

Fish,

I do not want a divorse. She would like it if I filed and I don't see what forcing her hand will do.

Tree

[minkerman]

I think the worst thing about your situation is that you are still together in the same house.

It's strange how these things work...for me, I am convinced that W and me could have worked on our issues together, but she felt she needed to move out. In fact, she has now told me that in her mind, the outcome was decided...she was leaving for good.

In your sitch, it sounds like you could work better on your issues while apart...but you are staying together (in complete and utter misery).

I don't know what your solution is, Tree...it's just an observation.

Your W appears to have the best of all worlds:
- she has food and shelter
- she can come and go as she pleases
- she has ample opportunity to torture you in order to make herself feel better

I agree with fish that there is no incentive for her to change...she appears to be perfectly happy with this dynamic, and it could go on for a very very VERY long time.

So, what are you going to change, shock her with, blow away a stereotype that she has of you? I'd bet your DB coach has asked you the same question...

[Broken Tree]

I was just looking at her calendar to see what sporting events looked like for this week and noticed she has an appointment with her L on Thursday at 3PM.

I welcome this. This was a feeling I was not expecting. I am sure they will discuss separation agreement and child visitation. It will be interesting to see what they are looking for. This is at least movement and not living in limbo. I was getting sick of limbo.

Your thoughts?

[Broken Tree]

I keep getting dragged into her deep black hole. All she wants to do is be snutty and argue. I can't handle it anymore. It is starting to effect my lovely kids.

I kinda can't wait til she see's her L on Thursday to see what the outcome is and what they are looking for. I am sure she will be going for my back teeth. This blows.

I think I am falling out of love with her. This is what she wants.

[fish]

BT

I agree with Mink who agrees with Fish who agrees with Hound who agrees with Mink who agrees with Fish...

In your situation, living under the same roof is KILLING your chances of reconciliation. How can you work on improving yourself when you are living in fu*ing misery. Personally, I do not understand how you have been able to deal with this sh*t for as long as you have.

YOU NEED TO PREPARE FOR DIVORCE AND GO ON THE OFFENSIVE. You've got a nice little nugget of information regarding her visit to a lawyer, you should do the same. You need to start preparing for the worse case scenario.

As we have been discussing, you have chosen your family home as your battle field. The battle will not last forever. One party will give and retreat. Looks like she is getting ready to pack up the tents. She is at the point where she no longer gives a fu*K.

My opinion... the only shot you have of saving your marriage is if you agree to move out ASAP. That will give each of you a chance to work on yourselves and prepare you for a much better marriage.

W and I went out to an awesome 4 hour lunch today. We both agreed that we are in live and truly like each other more than ever. We both made MAJOR changes during our separation.

Think about it... If you would have separated 3 months ago, you may have been back together in another 3 months (took me 6 months). START NOW.

I'll call you tomorrow... hang in there dude.