Q: Why did H have an A? A: The M wasn't working for him.
Q: Why? A: Who knows. But it sounds a lot like neither of you finds the other person to be someone they want as a romantic partner.
Q: Did your not wanting to be M to *him*, but someone you thought he would become play a role in his dissatisfaction with the M? A: Probably.
Q: Were you/are you a potential WAS? A: No, you have repeatedly tried to work on the M.
Q: Is your lack of attraction/interest/like/regard/respect/love for H part of the problem in your M. A: Sure.
Q: Would suddenly having attraction/interest/like/regard/respect/love for H fix the problems in your M. A: No. Love may be a choice, but you can't make that choice for H, and he isn't making it. Moreover, I don't think love really is a choice. You can CHOOSE to give love a chance, support it, nurture it, and so on. But, you simply can't point at some person at random and choose to love them.
Q: Why do you feel like you are the one who should have had the A? A: Because you are stuck in the you-are-the-right-and-noble-victim role. Surely, if anyone has been wronged, it has been you. Not very helpful thinking.
-- You are mostly talking to people about 5 years behind you on this stuff. They are still chasing the WAS, desperate for even a chance at reconciliation. You are back in your M, and have been for years.
-- You are circling because you are afraid of doing anything but chasing your tail.
-- You know what, you were wrong about a lot of stuff, you have made mistakes. So what. You are human. We all are. Give up holding onto having been the person who was right and noble. You and H are two vulnerable, hurting people trying to do your best. The M isn't working for either of you. As a result, to cope, you are both doing things you shouldn't and neither of you are at your best.
-- Find YOUR best. Read PM. This is about YOU. I don't care about your H. I care about YOU.
