I empathize; this is tough work, and we usually move back and forth between feeling like we're making progress on detaching and letting go of outcomes, and then we fall back. At least I do, and I suspect most others do too. So, you are not alone.
You might try breaking up your life into tiny moments, as in a few minutes at a time, if necessary. As in, "What am I experiencing right now?" What am I seeing, hearing, tasting, smelling, etc. And then move on to the next few minutes, etc. So, when you are eating, really be present for the food and conversation, music, or whatever is going on around you right then and there. This type of mindfulness has helped me in the past, and I aim for this every day. I don't always get there, but it does help me be in the moment, rather than wondering about last week, last year, or 10 minutes ago. Those moments are gone. It also helps me let go of thinking about the future, which obviously has not arrived yet. Really be where you are. Most of us think we live this way, but many of us do not. Life looks a lot different when you live this way; a lot healthier too.
If you are feeling lost or hurt, really be there with those feelings. Don't try to suppress them. Be with the feeling you are experiencing at the moment, not what you or your wife were feeling last week or might feel in the future, or some feeling you think you "should" have. Try to remember that all things are temporary, both the good feelings we have in life as well as the hurt. Some last longer than others, but they all do eventually change.
Hang in there and enjoy the moment. You're doing well; the rollercoaster metaphor really does fit, doesn't it?
I am on a roller coaster I and I have always hated them. I have been trying to live in the moment. That also takes a lot of practice but I like it.
Sometimes I picture a stop sign when I am thinking to much and then I pray a little. That helps. I also try to think of some of my favorate things. Today I not only thought about my favorate things I also did them.
We skied hard all day in deep snow with sun shine all day. We were skiing deep powder in the woods with nothing but sunshine and looking out at the bueatiful Rocky Mountains. I have been skiing for 45 years and today may have been my best day ever. We skied from 8:30 to 3:30 with a 35 minute lunch. Tree skiing, bowl skiing, 40 mile an hr cruisers and great company.
I hardly thought of her at all but I really miss my boys. They would have loved it so much to be with thier Dad today. And I know for sure W would have done something to ruin it. She does not like when we have to much fun around her.
I'm sure it's tough to think about the kids. I don't have any, but you have my empathy in dealing with that angle too. Focus on them and yourself. Glad to hear the skiing was so good.
Sounds like you had an awsome time skiing! I'm jealous! It's good that you are GALing some. It's understandable that you think about W and the sitch. You need to focus on what you want and what your goals are. Then ask yourself if you are getting closer to your goals by doing what you are doing. Does that make sense? Don't do things to get a reaction out of W...do them for you.
Hope the reunion tonight goes well....
BA
Me:43 H:48 M:24 yrs T: 26 yrs 2 kids ILYNILWYA 8-07 - MOW 9-07 H moved out 8-2-08 Back 8-18-08 Affair continues Back home but not emotionally
I'd ignore her; let her come to you. If she does, act positively. Tell her you had a great time, but don't rub it in excessively as you will appear to be trying too hard. Just be calm and confident, act as if you don't need her. Neediness is not attractive. If she responds favorably, great. If not, you decide what to do next. It's out of your control. Act the way you want to act, for yourself, not in hopes of getting any particular reaction out of her. That is not healthy for you, nor is it realistic to think you can control this situation. Do ywhat you want, for yourself tonight and in the future. Either she will come around or she won't, but you've got to live your life for yourself. This is especially true right now but probably wise to do always.
I got home very late last night and slept late and had to get to work so there was not much interchange between me and the W. She asked me how the trip was. I said spectacular and said I had to get to work. I didn't want to ask her how her weekend was because i didn't want to be snooping/prying. I feel I was a little impersonal but there is a fine line between giving her space, detaching and being careing and personal. I am hurting a little today just thinking about the sitch. I wish all this would just go away. I wish there was a silver bullet. We had no contact for almost a week therefore no arguments or disagreements which was very nice. I feel like something is going to happen soon but I am trying not to assume anything.
I am going to be away this weekend also for a Soccer Tourney in Virgina with S12 so it will be more space for her and I was thinking about taking the kids to Vermont the following weekend.
I am trying to asses how i feel about her now. I know I still love her and care very much about her future but when I look at her all I can think of is all the selfish pain that she is putting us thru and all the lies about her whereabouts.
A lot of my friends and family are saying "just get Divorsed" for they see how much pain I am in but they have no idea how I feel and what is going on in my head. They just want my pain to go away. I am not ready to give up yet. I feel so bad for my kids, they love me so much.
I am getting tired of this and yet I feel that is what she wants me to feel so I will just give up and then she dose'nt have to feel bad, more like it is my decision. I know that deep down in she loves me very much but is suppressing those feelings, but how long can she do this for? I also have the OM/ER in my mind all the time. I don't think there is anything there but I can't stop thinking about it.
All I can say is our situations sound very similar. I could have written much of what you did. My only advice is to sit with the uncertainty and trust the process of life. Things will unfold in due time. Your answers will come one day, and you will know. Right now you are still unsure of things, and that's OK. The pain is horrible, but you aren't yet ready to pull the plug. You can do so if you feel you need to, on your terms at your pace. But you don't sound like you want to do that. I don't think it's easy to just pull away from someone we have loved for so long, even if they are treating us badly. I think I finally have some insight into why some women stay with those who physically abuse them.
Don't let others influence your thinking about divorce; only you can decide if that is truly what you want, and when you want it.
This is to me the hardest part. Not knowing if waiting is going to lead to some change toward a new R, or if I'm on the slow road to D. W and I don't talk about D, or anything else. You seem to be in a similar spot. Some days you think it's over and you are wasting your time by waiting around for what look's like a fool's errand, but other days you remember your feelings for her and believe, perhaps naively, that love can be reborn.
That's not much of an answer, I'm afraid. Hang in there.
