H is having affair after all

[seekpeaceofmind]

Eve - I can totally understand why you would want a break from all of this right now. Too bad H can't sit home and take care of boys every day/night while you gallivant off to galas and ski trips.

I think they are both just trying their own "act as if" - perhaps embarrassed at being caught and publicly "outed", and now determined to carry on as though nothing ever happened. OW sounds like a totally self-centered person. She's left her H who's disabled by a stroke? Maybe their M was never good, but it sure sounds pretty cold-hearted to me.

And, your H is definitely in his own little world right now. But - at least he is still keep involved with the boys. It sounds like a lot of the MLC or walk-away Hs drop their kids along with their wives. Maybe you can't totally ignore him, but could you have some ground rules to limit contact? Like tell him you are going to keep your phone off and just answer texts once a day. . . Or, have a discussion to get all of the child care details sorted out at one time instead of text by text.

I know how hard it is to be the one taking the high road, but you will be glad later that you did. I didn't have internet access this weekend, but thought of you often.

[Evie]

Thanks seek, i'm really happy that my friends from piercing have followed me over here to offer kindness and support. I wondered across to your post today, but didn't have much to offer. But when i read the last post on your thread it gave me the push i needed to seek counselling. So i guess thats a positive.

Jen - S1 had a meltdown tonight and then i went for a swim, so I couldn't get to call you. Hope Sophie is doing ok after her op?

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I think they are both just trying their own "act as if" - perhaps embarrassed at being caught and publicly "outed", and now determined to carry on as though nothing ever happened.

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Seek - i think you may be right, although how can you brush an affair under the carpet and 'act as if' it didn't happen?

There will be colleagues on that trip that may publicly be civil to H and ow, but underneath I know (as 1 told me)that they are not comfortable with whats happened and not looking forward to it now either. I think its unfair of them to place that burden on the staff.

[Holly06]

Evie,

I have seen it over and over again. WAS who has OW or OM looks like they get it all, when really the pain and embarrassment is great.

By making the choice, either together or apart, to take this trip, they will be humiliate and false. It will bring stress to the relationship, and really you ARE in a much better place.

You hold your head up girl! She will be compared to you and found lacking, by the school, family, friends and the community.

I can almost promise you, they are uncomfortable. This discomfort can not compare to the pain they will be experiencing when the A dies, and they are left with nothing. The running will stop, but the hurt, a legacy for them.

Believe it.

[Evie]

Holly - my friends call me Evie, it sounds right and looks right. I'm going to change my profile.

Thank you for your kind words.

Whilst i'm not happy about the trip and my son been exposed to it (although he doesn't know), there isn't a lot i can do except as you say, hold my head high. I shall dress to the nines that day and go and wave my son off and I WILL hold my head high. I doubt it will make them uncomfortable but i refuse to hide away.

I believe the affair is still going on and i'm upset that my H is showing no regard/compassion/allowaneces for my feelings, right now.

Holly - i have some questions for you, i hope your don't mind?

In all the time you were seperated (18 mths?)did you believe there was hope for your M?
Were you appalled with yourself for still wanting to take him back?
How did you move on in that 18 months?

Sorry for the questions, i feel I should be walking away, however, i feel i have no pride to want him back still. Even though i'm still angry, I would still have him back.

He has said he doesn't love me and even last night on the phone to S1 he said he wasn't coming back and yet I can't let go.

[Evie]

I was emailing a friend this morning about how bad i felt at still loving H and would have him back despite everything. This is her reply:

What wonderful creatures women are, when we love, we really do love. I dont think H deserves you at all after all he has said and done. However the fact that you love so deeply, so strongly and without limits, really makes you an amazing woman. Dont beat yourself up about it, just know that it is not because you are weak that makes you feel that way, it is because you are strong! A quote from church is that 'When we love someone, we see them as God does' - this means He (and you in this case) sees beyond the weaknesses of man and recognises the good that is in that person. So if you continue to love H I beleive it is because of your love, compassion and loyality - which are worthy characteristics!

[limbo]

Eve,

What a wonderful email your friend has sent you!

My H never really left me, but he continued to have his affair on and off for sometime, and then even attempted another EA with ow from his teens! But I still stood.
I think only you can make that choice as to when to stand and when to not.
I do truly believe we are all strong people to stick by them, to love them as much as we do! At first I thought maybe I was staying with him out of fear, you know can I cope money wise, being on my own, that type of thing, and I knew that I could.
So it was because I wanted to stand, I wanted to stay.
True alot of people wount understand, and they can't unless they are faced with this situation.
So you hold you head up and feel nothing put pride in yourself, because you are doing what is right for you!
I know at some point you will know when its time to move on!

[seekpeaceofmind]

Well - I just stopped by briefly to check in and I'm glad I did. I came to support you, of course, and I find that I am the one being helped. I am in the same place of really questioning myself for standing. It gives me heart to see that other women, who I know are strong and successful, have had the same feelings and are even willing to express them and share the experience with others. I love what your friend wrote - when the bad feelings try to take hold of me today (they sneak up off and on throughout the day), I am going to think of what your friend said and pretend that she said it to me!

I haven't made any entries in my gratitude journal for a while - tonight I will be sure to do so and to add one for all of the amazing women (and men) who DB and support each other in the struggle and the journey.

[Snow White]

What wonderful creatures women are, when we love, we really do love. I dont think H deserves you at all after all he has said and done. However the fact that you love so deeply, so strongly and without limits, really makes you an amazing woman. Dont beat yourself up about it, just know that it is not because you are weak that makes you feel that way, it is because you are strong! A quote from church is that 'When we love someone, we see them as God does' - this means He (and you in this case) sees beyond the weaknesses of man and recognises the good that is in that person. So if you continue to love H I beleive it is because of your love, compassion and loyality - which are worthy characteristics!

Beautiful, made me cry at work! Stay strong.

[Evie]

just logged onto the bank account and found H has bought a laptop and a new mobile phone.

I knew he was buying a laptop, but not the phone.

Phone maybe inocent, but why not give me his new number and why buy it out of the account where he knows i will see his purchases?

Why continue to add insult to injury?.

Also a colleague at work saw H & Ow in the sauna together as little as 2 weeks before H says he finished the affair.

I think it's still going on. If it is it makes sense why ow is so brazen around me, i walked onto the poolside yesterday to work and she was there, she didn't rush to leave and was pratically humming to herself and then slowly gathered her stuff and sauntered off the poolside. aaaarrghhhhhhhh They are planning a futures? Why does he continue to lie? I'm going to have him followed. How can i DB when she is still around, stand no chance, why can't i accept its over?

[limbo]

Eva,

I am sorry that your H is acting like such an a** but what will having him followed do? Other then cost you good money!
At this point I think you just have to focus on you, making you better, you know the usual things, work on getting PMA, and gal.
It might be a good idea for right now anyways to let him go!
I know its hard, and I know you want things to be better, however if he were to find out you had him followed what do you think his reaction would be? I most likely wount do anything to bring you closer.
So just focus on your life, and the life of your kids, make those things your priority!
Nothing you can do right now is going to bring him back any faster, so move your focus away from him!