Hi everyone, I hope to make new cyber friends here and grow more . And in the process help my Marriage and my H to be Happy.I am not new to these boards... I have been here for almost two years but this is my first time posting here.

I have read some very good posts here that have helped me alot in the past.

.......and I hope that I can find the help here I need for my M. My H means so much to me and he feels sex starved and unloved b/c of my lack of creativity and initiative. I did go the Airport once without undergarments and a beautiful dress and knocked his socks off but then there are my dry spells where I have no creative juices flowing and I let life get in the way. Like COG tells me SEX Should be like brushing your teeth, do it every day..... I want to. I just need to get out of my own way. And let go of the past even more...............

My threads started in Newcomers,, then went to Seperated now what and then to Piecing also posted some in Infidelity.

My H has cheated more than once.
@ 2 years ago he was ready to call it quits and I worked my *butt* off to fight for our M.
And my H 's main complaint has always been that I do not act like I used to when we met *SEXUALLY.

When we first got Married , I initiated all the time and I was very Passionate and loud and just enjoyed myself........ 12 years later that part of me comes out once in awhile but more often than not it seems like my trying hard shows thru.

I read in a post here on SSM~ that maybe it isnt LD it is issues. etc etc etc............. I dont feel like LD per se I feel like I let life get in the way of me just enjoying him and me. I dunno........... I feel sort of lost and sad that I make him feel UGLY by my lack of initiative.

I know we cant FF thru things like with our DVD players but I really want to get thru my obstacles and get back the me that used to be.
I have tried hard and yet it seems to always freeze up, once we are ML I feel so good but I still come off as mechanical 75 % of the time and I had a heart to heart with H tonite and he really made me see that this is hurting him more than I thought.
I am sure my post doesnt make much sense but I am fresh from talking to him and my mind is scrambled.

In essence I want to choose him, I want to ML to him have sex with him , knock his socks off too. I just need to get there and getting there is what eludes me.
I can reach my inner sexual diva once in awhile and then like my H SAYS I LOSE THE DRIVE AFTER AWHILE and just dont initiate.


I really do want to leave the baggage behind and find a way out and move towards a Fantastic sex life again. He initiates most of the time and it is Fabulous but he wants me to take charge and ...............^(*&^%%%$%&**&(* so much more.........

I thought I had worked thru x, y and z but I think they are still there haunting me and getting in my way. I too want to get me back......
I will post more tomorrow.
God bless, ~Ali