Just got off the phone with H and wanted to post here to keep it in my mind these next few weeks before he comes home. We talked for over an hour...............
~Wow I have a lot of homework. And this takes me back to square one just like every year. I have read Passionate Marriage 2 times already. Time to get it out and re read it and really change.
Ok so here are his points... 1. I need to choose him in sex ( initiate more) 2. be more creative. 3. choose him 4. Initiate more 5. choose him 6. show him the passion I say I feel in sex , not words. 7. choose him 8. Make him feel wanted ( he says I make him feel very lonely and not desired) ( I was @ to cry when he was telling me this part) I once again have no intention of hurting him and apparently that is what I am doing. OUCH! 9. Be more passionate during ML 10. feel sexy and show it 11. put him first and more PDA no matter who is around * ( MY MIL and SIL and my kids ) * I feel like I need to be very **DRY or ** proper when others are present. * I am not saying I am going to do anything graphic but I do need to be more touchy feely* during the day. It is like I am frozen until he sets me off. I need to set him off. 12. He said ~ * I deserve more than this and I want to spend the rest of my life with you , but not like this. This is not what I imagined. ~ So once again I feel bad cause I make him feel like this and it is not my intention to be *frigid* or come off that way. I once in awhile tap on my inner diva who can Ml so beautifully and more often than not I try too hard and the passion gets lost in my trying so hard. So I need to find me and not let go aqnd that is where I struggle.
also he has a hard time letting go even though he wants me to take over and be the dominant one a whole lot more. He fails to truly let go and tries to orchestrate the whole thing. Move like this no not like that and can you go faster. He wants me to flow but he seems to get in my way and then I just get mechanical... I do not go thru him I let him stop me dead in my tracks and then come off robot like.
I need to infuse more Passion In my ML.... and that is where I am failing in his eyes and yes if I would watch us I am sure I would see me more technical than just letting my hair down and really enjoying his body !~ HIM!!!! and myself...
I am really frustrated and I foolishly thought I had worked thru this....... I make him feel ugly and unloved by me not letting go and truly enjoying myself and him.
.............. not taking him and choosing him and initiating..................
So by me not taking him and feeling insecure I am hurting him. How can I infuse myself with confidence and passion and strength...???????????????????????????????? I dunno but I am going to have to work on this.
I am sorry if I make no sense I am just typing as fast as I can to remember what he tried to get thru to me..... this is like a gift to me him opening up like this ,, so as much as it hurts to see I am failing in his eyes I appreciate his honesty and I see now why he is afraid of me. he says I have all the power in my hands and I dont see it and I am not choosing him by my actions and THAT BREAKS MY HEART. I have worked so hard for this and now I see I have to work even harder on me so I am beautiful for him and make him feel the love I have for him................
He even asked me what he was doing wrong that I dont want him... that he felt so ugly next to me..............that he is only here to please me. And even though it seems so exagerative IT IS HIS PERSPECTIVE AND HOW HE FEELS. I tried to soak every word in.
I need to stop feeling so damn weak and insecure even more and really embrace who I am and the beauty in me. I have to stop being so scared of me and him rejecting me.. he is dying for me to take charge and I am frozen by my own choice.
~Wow * this is %^&*()) ...... I dunno the word. But I am blessed with this vulnerabiltity and now I need to change some more and grow some more. I can do it... I just need to prioritize myself and put me first and organize myself. God bless............
