Back on the Roller Coaster - OW still around

[fooled again]

Mike,

I'm glad to hear you had a nice night in the pleasure of your own company. I haven't sat back and had a glass of wine w/ myself for awhile, but it sounds like a good idea. Neither did I get out this past w/end and go wild - there was no one free to go wild with. I did see H on Fri night - he came over after his game, quite late, and we had a drink and a snack & watched part of a movie. We both fell asleep on the couch, then went to bed and slept (only). It was very comforting, kindof like old times. D wanted to make him breakfast in bed, so we let him sleep, then all 3 of us ate in my big bed. H left after breakfast to run some errands but before that I had asked him if he wanted to have supper w/ us on Sunday. D and I spent the rest of the day together, walked the dog, then went swimming. H left us a vmail msg saying goodnight.

The next day though, I was feeling quite down b/c he didn't call as he said he would and was unreachable all day. This is something that I have a really hard time w/ since it was his pattern whenever he was w/ OW. I'd call or D would call him and there would be no answer, nor would he call back or reply to texts. Whenever I don't get an answer and/or reply for several hours, that old fear creeps back in and it's very difficult not to let myself be anxious and distracted. In fact, though D and I had a nice time going to a local nature park, I was upset by the time we got home. She asked me why I was sad and I'm afraid to admit that I cried in front of her. I just let it out b/c I was feeling overwhelmed, but I know that wasn't fair and it made her sad and a little afraid. But I also want her to feel she can tell me anything and let her feelings out - if I'm always holding back my feelings and never letting her know I am sad, doesn't that make me a hypocrite?

Around suppertime on Sunday D called H and he answered and then talked to me. He asked if we had planned supper and I said I had planned supper the other day when I asked him over for supper on Sunday, but when I didn't hear back from him, I decided not to make that same meal. He asked if he could bring over a frozen pizza for us to have together, so I said yes. So D and I cleaned ourselves up and we both acted very happy when H arrived. We had a fun little supper, then H left again for another game. When he called around midnight, we talked about his game and about his first day of his new job the next day.

Then I did something I was thinking about doing for a few days - I asked him if we were ever going to talk. He said he thought we were. I said I didn't mean about everyday stuff. Then he brought up the "list", this time the list of things I had written down that would show me H was moving closer to coming home. H saw it as a list of "hoops" he would have to jump through for me to let him come back, just as I suspected. I tried my best to calmly explain to him that it was a list of things that would show me we were getting closer, things I was hoping to see, not things he had to do to prove something to me. It was a bit nerve wracking to talk about it, but I think (hope) it cleared the air a bit.

I asked him why he snooped, what he was looking for. He said he had this overwhelming need to find out what I thought about him, and what he found was the list of pros & cons - he mainly remembers the cons. I said that when you read something like that, it is just words without the subjective context in which it was written, so it's not fair to jump to conclusions w/out hearing what I have to say. He apologized for reading it. I asked him why he didn't just ask me what I thought of him. He also talked about his fear that while he is "figuring things out", I may meet someone at a party or a friend of mine may fix me up or arrange for me to meet someone and he'll lose me. I didn't say much there, not wanting to deny that possibility and at the same time not wanting him to feel that it is a current threat. He said that I'm beautiful and great and it wouldn't take long for someone to scoop me up.

Then I asked him what else he had read and he said nothing, just those two things. He said he didn't care about what I wrote about before, that he can't do anything about that, it's over, but he wanted to know how I feel today. So I reminded him that it was written in January.

I asked if we were both working towards the same goal, and he said yes. I asked him if he knew what it is that I want, and he said that I want him to move back home. I'm not sure if he thinks this is the only thing I want and I wanted to ask more of him, but he started to lose his patience and get frustrated. I told him that it feels like we don't get to talk very often like this, so I guess when he does start to talk to me, I get greedy and want more and more of it. He said he would try to talk to me like this once a week. We said goodnight and he said ILY FA and I said ILY2. Then he sent me a text that said "Goodnight my luv! xx", and I sent one back that said "Sweet dreams sweetheart xx".

It all looks so positive, and I'm sure that this whole exchange is enviable to many who read this post. But everything, as they say, is relative, and it seems that no matter where I am at any given moment in this process, I want to be that much further ahead, I feel the weight of the challenges of the stage we are in upon me and I am frustrated by what is not yet great.

This is truly the most difficult thing I have ever chosen to do, for it is a choice to work to save your M, after all, a choice that many don't make. I suppose I belong in piecing rather than Infidelity - I read that even if OP is still in the picture in some way, if you are both working toward reconciliation, it's piecing of a sort.

I'm starting to read some of the Piecing posts for answers to some of my dilemmas, since some of the strategies that worked in one phase would probably be damaging to piecing. But I'm afraid to admit that I don't feel very comfortable with the notion that we are piecing, since it all still feels so shaky. And I don't want to be overly optimistic. Am I still trying to protect myself from being hurt or fooled again? Probably. But "being brave means doing something even though you are afraid" (quote from one of my D's picture books - Franklin goes to the Hospital).

I would think that seeing your S26 taking control of his life and moving in w/ a friend would make your W proud and happy. I so want my D to be a strong, independent person, but being at least 12 years away from that stage, it is easy to be so objective. I suppose this is another reminder to your W that she is getting older, and the last of her chicks is leaving the nest. She seems to want to make time stop, to hold things just where they are. But maybe once she sees her youngest making it on his own, she may see that the future holds so many POSSIBILITIES for all of us, she just has to have an open mind and imagine that good things will happen. Ahh, listen to me. I just watched Bridge to Terabithia w/ D - which has a bittersweet ending. Kids movies are absolutely full of positive messages that DBers and MLCers should be taking to heart. Just grab one and see for yourself - I could give you a list (I'm good at lists! lol).

FA