I read a copy of "Men's Health" today, with Jack Nicholson on the cover. I'll read anything I can get my hands on here! Jack, whose been by his own count, with over 2000 women was asked about falling in love. His quote was great. He said "Love" is better translated as that "18 month infatuation period", then Love becomes work!
While we were busy trying to hold it all together in our families, they were wondering where the infatuation went. It becomes work. It's a journey, not a destination. As a good friend of mine told me: "When CAN you get comfortable?"
After the infatuation and lust, love becomes WORK for most people, but our spouses would rather be unemployed in this department.(My love tanks are beyond empty. I can't even try to start the car!. I got that one)
I try to always take the high road when my kids talk about their Mother's behavior. It's all you can do. I will not ever say to them however, that I had ANYTHING to do with this, or iny way wanted ANY of it.
In the movie "Pursuit of Happyness" (yes, that's how it's spelled, with a "y"), Will Smith's wife has left him, and his 5 year old son asks: "Did mom leave because of me?" Will Smith responds: "Mom left because of MOM". That's my answer.
Her love tanks are empty? Whew, that one rates right up there with "stop doing these things, you just do them because you know I like it" Who would of thought that the end of our marriages could produce so much good material for sitcoms! We're gonna be rich, FLTC! Btw, for her future reference, in order to re-fill your love tanks you have to take off the cap or NOTHIN' GOES IN! But I'm sure you just put the cap on too tight, right? So once more it's all your fault
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
Like you, I pack my cynicism with me and take it no matter where I go. Love your sarcasm! Sometimes I think I bring the worst out in you, but it's so ridiculous, all you can do is be sarcastic and laugh at it. I loved the line about taking the cap off of the "love tank". it's obvious we are married to the same woman, because like me, you would also get blamed for not teathering the cap to the "love tank" to your leg.
I guess for both of us, the sheer frustration is NEVER being accepted or being RIGHT, or partially right with moderate to severe corrections.
As my D17 said to me when she notified me W. will be seeking a D. when I get home: "If Mom isn't happy, no one can be. You know she controls the emotions of the whole family" How can we win?
Was it always like that for you, or did this constant "harping" evolve, as her "love tanks were not being filled"? That seems to be a WAW M.O.: Harping about everything and nothing. I call it "undifferentiated anger": angry at nothing and everything at the same time.
FLTC, even when you're separated the message remains the same, you just have to put up with it less often! I had this fantasy that when we separated she would be less angry and lighten up a little, maybe we might actually get along and be able to respect each other. I was wrong. I still find it hard when confronted with the coldness and lack of basic human courtesies, it still does hurt but I can't change her, noone can. I have to now try to recognize that it is her that has the problem, it is not my inadaquacies as a H or man that forces her to be who she is. Again in abusive situations even when you know in your head that you are worthy down inside those voices are still nagging at you "you're not good enough" blah blah blah because that's what the abuser force feeds you for years! My job, and probably yours too, is to do a little search and destroy mission by looking inside, find those little demons and oust them! I won't be able to have a healthy R with anyone else until I do so, not that I'm planning one at this point but one day, who knows. Just to add, I think I've done an incredible job at keeping my self esteem at the level it is by GAL, discovering my talents and skills, making friendships and finding places to belong and be accepted. A friend of mine always said "I don't know how you have even a shred of self esteem left after what you've been through!" I too can't imagine where I'd be if I hadn't taken the DB approach to this, but despite what I've done there's still damage that needs to be repaired. I picked up a book on verbal abuse and was pleased to read that much of what I should be doing I am doing!
It really ws her not even being a decent human being that is so difficult for me, and likely for you. Not to blow my own horn, but my performance here has been really great, and I have gotten a lot of great feedback. I'm a public school administrator in civilian life, and the same think happens there. When I was in my house, I couldn't clean a toilet correctly, or plant flowers correctly. How can I go from excelling in two different areas of my life to being an absolute cretin at home? The asnwer is, IT'S NOT ABOUT ME, but like you, we're hard on ourselves, at least I am. I still think about the line from Born in the USA: "End up like a dog that's been beat too much, 'til you spend half your life just coverin' up". Her friends have also told me they thought I was an abused spouse, by "Miss empty love tanks". Sounds like you are too.
Sarcasm? The word is vaguely familiar somehow... OK, I just finished the Questionnaire: Are you being emotionally abused? Some real strong YES answers here: "Does your partner treat you as if you are "less than" or inferior to her?" Let's see, does this count "I'm a manager now, you just wouldn't understand" I think we have a YES! "Does your partner routinely ridicule, dismiss, or disregard your opinions, thoughts, suggestions, and feelings?" Umm, when I put forth a thought on why our child does something the response is "everything doesn't have to be psychologized, you know" I think we have another YES! "Do you find yourself walking on eggshells? Do you spend a lot of time monitoring your behaviour and/or monitoring your partner's bad moods before bringing up a subject?" " I won't even dignify that one with an example, YES! "Does your partner insist on getting her own way?" C'mon does this stuff ever end! YES "Does your partner seem impossible to please" Umm, let's see, "stop doing these things (romantic gestures)for me, you only do it because you know I like it"! I'm thinkin' we've got another YES here! "Does your partner feel you are the one who is responsible for all the problems in the relationship?" You mean I'm not? Wow. Give this one a big YES! "Is your partner unable to laugh at herself? Is she extremely sensitive when it comes to...any kind of comment that seems to show a lack of respect"? OK, is my W writing this stuff? YES! "Does your partner find it difficult or impossible to apologize or admit when she is wrong?" No way, she's apologized twice in 17 years! I loved her latest with the kids "OK, I'm wrong and maybe I just won't make your dinner for you tonight" I'm going out on a limb here, calling this one a YES! "Does your partner pressure you for sex...?" Help I've fallen and I can't get up, that one's too funny!!!! Actually she would withhold sex or criticize my technique but I think that's another abusive tactic, is it not? So, that's my report and now the book says I'm supposed to sit down and write out every abusive thing she's done that comes to mind! Am I supposed to quit my job to do this? Where would all the time and paper come from? Btw, the above are just the ones that I can say YES to without thinking about. Hey, but if it's all my fault anyway why do I have to do any of this stuff? Something to ponder. Oh my gosh, I just realized I left out #8 Does your partner punish you by pouting, by withdrawing ... giving you the silent treatment?" Wow, I just thought that was her personality! #13 Does your partner frequently put you down in front of others and #14 Does your partner blame you for his or her problems? and #9 "does your partner often threaten to end the R" Never, she would just say "I"m not sure how I feel about you anymore" No crazy making there. OK I think I'm done!
In the movie "Pursuit of Happyness" (yes, that's how it's spelled, with a "y"), Will Smith's wife has left him, and his 5 year old son asks: "Did mom leave because of me?" Will Smith responds: "Mom left because of MOM". That's my answer.
I am so glad you brought this to my attention. I am certainly going to use that answer from now on.
M:47 M:18 D16, S19 1st S 1/08-5/08 Reconciled/May 7, 2008 Left again Nov 9, 2009 I Filed: Nov 17, 2009 Final: April 14, 2010 EX walked away from kids too
"Does your partner blame you for her problems?" I just remembered this one, she blames me for the loss of her Christian faith! Yup, the devil made me do it. How the heck could I take her faith away? I used to go to church with her twice a month and I couldn't even speak her language, the services were all in Chinese! I'm also responsible for her now well developed gift of sarcasm. OK, maybe she's got a point there...NOT Isn't this abuse stuff fun!
M:47 M:18 D16, S19 1st S 1/08-5/08 Reconciled/May 7, 2008 Left again Nov 9, 2009 I Filed: Nov 17, 2009 Final: April 14, 2010 EX walked away from kids too
