Frank, please read and re-read what Bill & Amy posted to you. I am here to tell you that you may feel alone; but, you are NOT. You have 2 beautiful daughters who love you and you have a God who loves you! (As well as your friends here.) I have learned that God not only loves us; but, he wants us to love HIM and HE will do whatever it takes for us to turn to HIM and trust in HIM. And, as cruel as it may sound, that includes shaking up our marriages.
Frank, when my ex-H dropped his bomb on me, I was so scared. I did not know how my children and I would survive financially on my income. But, I learned to trust in God. I began praying and talking to HIM every chance I got. At first, I prayed that HE would restore my marriage. Then, I learned to trust HIM and I began to pray that whatever happened be HIS will. I learned to let go and put my marriage in God's hands. I began to find peace in my life, again. I had people coming to me that were going through marital problems of their own and I was able to share scriptures and the lessons that I was learning with them. No, my marriage was not saved; but, as so many others have said before....I WAS! I found happiness in my life...in myself. And, I received more blessings than I could ever begin to name. My kids and I have never had to do w/out....God has taken care of us in so many ways!
Frank, Bill is right....your wife is killing you, maybe not physically, but, emotionally and mentally. And, eventually, this will take it's toll on your physical health. I can tell you that because I have been there, too. My ex-H lived at home for 3 months before I finally had to tell him to leave. He was so cruel to me. He would go days w/ out talking to me. He would get angry w/ me and cuss me out, pack a bag and leave (telling me that he wasn't coming back), only to come back the next night. He would be somewhat kind for a day or two and then turn on me again. Again, after 3 months of the MLC roller-coaster, I told him to get out...I told him that he was killing me from the inside out. I am afraid that this is what is happening to you.
Please, Frank, look deep within yourself and find your strength. It is there. If you have ever believed in God, then please seek HIS guidance and HIS will. And, try to find a pastor or someone to talk to. (My pastor became my best friend...my "big brother".) And, my Church family helped me in so many ways, as well. You can do this, Frank. If for no other reason, because you have 2 daughters who need you. Love them and be their rock. You are developing a foundation for a relationship that will only grow stronger and deeper. One that they will remember for the rest of their lives. Like my children, your girls are old enough to see so much of what is going on and they know which parent is doing what.
I apologize for such a long post. I just felt I needed to say these things to you. We are all here for you, Frank. Let us help you and draw strength from us, also.
Is that the best response you've got to all that has been posted to you today, Frank_D?
No, I have actually been thinking about this a lot today. Faith is something I need more of in my life and the love and support I"m getting from my friends here has been great for me.
I really don't see my marriage being saved because it would take a huge epiphany for my W to see how mush she has to fix in her own soul. I just don't see it. She might 'come back' if she has a hard time living without me, but that's not enough to base a marriage on.
But, I CAN be saved. And when I'm saved my kids will be happier. Having faith that I can be happy, and that God or faith in the love of Christ will help me get to that place. And I do believe that I can be happy again, and that in so many ways the darkness my W has brought into the family needs to be pushed away.
Luckily my kids don't think much of that stuff, and they seem to know to come to me when they need 'real' support.
So, I think you're right Amy. I want to have faith and I will have faith. You and others wouldn't be here if I wasn't worth saving. Thank you all for that love.
One of my friends from the board said this: "What your W is not understanding is that she is throwing away the ONE source of unconditional love she has truly ever had."
Frank...can't agree more with what deb13 has written. I can honestly tell you..now..being in the storm...that I can see why people avoid or shun being in it. It sucks. Plain and simple. Who wants to hear..from the person that we walked down the aisle with...that failure was all our fault... that we suck...and that they are going to take us to the cleaners. Perhaps, the word you used, codependence, seems infinitely easier to do..then face D. But what happens IF that M IS destructive?
If I can...I remind you of one of my chats way back when with DB Chuck, who, after me going on and on about what was going on with my M..the books..etc...he stopped me in mid-sentence and told me that his head was spinning.
He told me to put down the books....stop working on the M...and just enjoy life.
Frank...do the same. Divest yourself from the M right now. Too much analysis. You have no control of her right now and she is going to drag you down the drain with her. Focus on you. Channel your energies away from her and the M right now and refocus them on rejuvenating YOU.
FIB
Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11) Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10 Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
No, I have actually been thinking about this a lot today. Faith is something I need more of in my life and the love and support I"m getting from my friends here has been great for me.
Frank, I'm in the middle of a newly released book: "A Reason for God". Interesting read so far. You are quite an intellectual thinker and I think it might appeal to you. If not anything else, it may be a brief distraction from all the struggles you are facing.
I am really having a hard time talking to her. She is just so 'done'. She doesn't seem to even 'like' me and comes across with disdain when we talk about finances. She is snippy and says things that come across as an attitude that she is 'in financial trouble because of ME'. It pushes my buttons because I know that part of it is true. It's hard to ignore.
She seems to also have an attitude that the bills she DOES pay now are all she will have to pay. No clue whatsoever what the rest of the bills are.
I hesitate to talk to her about it because I just don't want any more emotional crap from her. She could very well try to force a bankruptcy on us and I have some deals in progress that may make a difference. I just don't need the pressure and the hurt.
She's just angry. I wish she could afford to move out but she can't right now. I don't understand how someone can treat you like this after supposedly loving you for so many years.
Sometimes I wish I could run away. It seems to work for her.
But I can't. I have to go through this so I can be strong again.
Thanks again for the support. I know it's over and I have a new life ahead that can and will be a good life.
Living in this situation is hard. I was told about 'divorcecare' and went to the website to find a local church that does the program. Hopefully I can get into it and get some support.
4kids, thanks for the book idea. I'm going to go get it today.
I don't understand how someone can treat you like this after supposedly loving you for so many years.
I asked myself the same question as my so called H threaten me with getting a lawyer, after all those years... But I know he's conveniently forgotten all I gave, all we have, otherwise, how can he walk away from a M that had so much goodness in it? better to run away and not think of the mistakes, that's his motto.
Good luck, hope you get the support you need and remember the old' cliche in reverse "it's not you, it's her"
aka cat, changing name temporarily just in case
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
