Nothing new here. House is 58 degrees b/c propane tank ran out over the weekend. Have to call gas company tomorrow to get it refilled, meanwhile put a space heater in D's room--will turn it off before I go to bed, and am letting S sleep w/me to keep warm. He is a natural furnace so I will be warm,too. Supposed to be 62 outside tomorrow so that should help.....
Anyway S begged to call H for a goodnight talk. So I let him, put him on the phone and let him talk. H asked him about his day and school and if he was good for momma. After his morning meltdown, S was looking for wiggle room so he asked me "Was I good for you today mommy?" I gave him "the look" and he confessed to H that he cried and hit me today. Then said his goodnights and gave me the phone. H asked me why S was so out of control this a.m. and I explained the time change phenomemon....
TOO FUNNY! Then I just hear H say "yes, yes, yes". I say, "What? I didn't ask anything?" H says, "No, mom asked that I call you back on my cell so I don't use up her long distance..."
I SO love it that he lives w/his parents! They are totally "Everybody Loves Raymond" around that place. I already mentioned MIL's love always comes w/strings attached and she has a total martyr complex....Anyway H told me he would get his phone, it was out in his truck to charge....Hasn't called back, didn't really need to since he was done talking to S but must want to talk to me. Curious if he will ask about my TMs from this morning......
Re. the phone--H is still leaving it in his truck. Wondering if he is "hiding" from contact w/the OW? Oh well it doesn't matter anyway not my problem anymore....
Ok, now I really am going to bed. H called back and we talked for about 10-15 minutes. He said my texts were pretty self-explanatory and totally justified. He said he obviously will need to find ways to show me that I can trust him again in order for me to be willing to give it another try...I simply responded that actions speak louder than words, that I know I am 2 hours away so that part may seem difficult, but he is an intelligent man and will find a way to prove himself if he so desires...
I have read his repeated texs to OW--thinking of you, love you, looking beautiful today, call me, smile, look at me, etc... (granted look at me only works if you are in the same office). I have experienced the volume of lies and manipulation he will go through in order to be with her, and to try to keep me in the dark. Since I know the lengths he has gone to for HER, I have high expectations/standards for what he must to for ME if I decide to give him another chance down the road...In other words a Hallmark card and a dozen roses ain't gonna cut it this time...
Oh well as a positive we were able to talk about S and D and our day together and kept it upbeat...I want to always be accessible as "mom of his kids/coparent", and up to a point his friend. I just can't be more than that unless/until major changes take place.
I am way ahead of myself but I am glad that H is up there and I am here now. That means we are "separated in a way already so I don't have to deal with explaining that to the kids yet. Also I don't have to see him every day, which hurts my resistance....
Funny in Jan when he planned to move out I never thought I would say I am glad I don't see him every day.......
Heading off to work now. Don't plan to do anything today really re. H or M. Just do my teaching job, play with my kids, enjoy the day....it will be 60 so yippee!
Can't focus on H all the time. It is his turn to do the heavy lifting. I need a few days (at least) to NOT worry about anything....
Have a nice day at work. Following your sitch but don't post much because I tend to get a little negative as you probably have noticed. Just to let you know that I am pulling for you and your kids. You deserve to be happy. Prior to reading the book and especially prior to the bomb, I would have read your sitch and said something like get the hell out of dodge and don't look back, your husband is a so and so etc......However, today the kinder and gentler John has gone through alot and even though our head knows what actions need to be taken, our heart is pulling us in another direction. I write this in response to your question "What do I do now" which you ask on a semi regular basis. We can only go with the information you share.....the evidence is overwhelming. BUT, the heart portion of our response we get from our sitch....that is what is interesting about this site and the folks on it. At this point in my sitch and probably most of our sitches the most important and probably most difficult goal for us is to really GAL and lovingly detach. I reread the book recentlly and noticed that I am not really committed to any particular "method". I find that is also true with most posters. How hard are we actually DBing. Are we doing the difficult things that need to be done and doing them consistently? In my case my canclusion is an emphatic NO. Why? Well you touch on it in a couple of your posts. We are afraid that our DB actions will push our WAS away. A long winded post that I hope will make you think a little. I know writing it has helped me.
and John... I agree with what you said so much. A year ago I would get mad at anybody taking s&%t form their Hs or Ws the way I did and some of my friends on this board do. Funny how we grew during this process and how we changed our view of things.
BBJ, sorry I didn't post any today. I 've been busy at work and I had to wait till my kids would go to bed. I like your attitude on the last few posts. Stay AWAY from drama and misery as much as you can. There is only so much you can do FOR him. You need to take of your kids and yourself. Let him grow up and get responsible towards you. Just as you said it "It is his turn to do the heavy lifting".
BobbiJo, Sorry I did't post on your thread yesterday...H stuck around all night so I couldn't get on DBing. Your H said he didn't respect you for taking him back all of the time and forgiving him so easily. They say love is blind, huh?! You were right by sending the text you sent him. It is time he knows that you will not just forgive and forget this time. I let my H know that last week and he is still around. I never made him take responsiblity for the way he treated me in past. So of course patterns have repeated themselves. I have decided I won't let it happen again. You have to decide if you are at that point. It might mean losing your H forever, but you are an awesome woman and you don't deserve to be kicked anymore.
I thinik you need to make some plans to do something for yourself this weekend while H is around. Leave the kids with him. Enjoy some time to yourself. I can tell you after 15 years of having a kid by my side, it is nice to do things on your own. At first it will seem a little lonely, but you will grow to relish that time.
Re. the weekend, I am going back to Iowa for 2 birthday parties, one niece on Saturday and one niece on Sunday. H will be here in Missouri working on the house/basement. We are supposed to "meet up" Friday night so he can eat supper w/the kids since otherwise it will be another whole week until he sees them again....
I know that drawing that line w/him is important for me. He needs to know that I have made it far too easy for him for far too long. If he decides that having me back/having his family together (but mostly the ME part since he'll always have his kids in some way or another) isn't worth his effort then I will truly know what I am worth in his eyes. If he walks and keeps walking I will know I made the right decision b/c it was bound to happen at some point whether I "pushed" or not.
Today was 70% good. I enjoyed teaching the kids I had, and am supposed to have for the next 10 weeks. Also I got home and there was a message from the school back "home". The woman who interviewed me left a msg. saying she wanted to talk to me re. the position I interviewed for.....her voice exuded a "Smiling" sound--know how sometimes you can HEAR a person's smile in their voice??? So I think it means I got the job. I will be calling her back in the morning............
The only thing that sucked was I didn't hear one peep from H. Not a text, not a call. I know I asked him for space......it is just that frustrating thing I mentioned yesterday. I know (that's what I get for snooping!) that he would text OW 5-10 times a day some days and call her 3-5 times on top of that.So it pi$$es me off that yesterday he says he clearly will need to make an effort to show me he wants our M back, then he falls off the face of the earth? Maybe it was unhealthy the fixation he has/had w/OW, but it is an ego-killer to think he gets more excited about contacting her than me......When she would get po'd at him for not leaving me he would call and text her over and over trying to get her to talk to him. But me.....................nothing
So anyway that is the only irritating thing right now. I want a little pursuing to come my way even if I said I needed space...
OH and it is 55 in here today. Propane comes tomorrow. But it is only 6:30 pm so it will probably get around 50 while we are sleeping!!! H said yesterday if it gets to 50 we should just go to a hotel...
BobbiJo, Remember that part of the fasination w/ the OW is that she was feeding H's ego. My H talks to and texts his EA much more than he does me. Or at least he did. I decided I would not look at the cell breakdown for last month. It is part of my giving H space. I have told H my feelings on it all. H will cut it out when he is ready to work on our R. Your H will start calling and texting when he is ready to work on your R. There will be lots of days he doesn't contact you. It sucks, but that is how it will be.
You are going to have to get over letting H drive your mood. So what if he doesn't call you. You can still find happiness. Don't let him define you. You're too good for that.
Thanks Woog. I don't know how to explain it, it isn't so much about my mood. It is more that I just don't get how he can say she doesn't make him happy but then he contacts her all the time?? That he can say I am important to him but I don't rate the same amount of "cellular attention" Anyway again don't know the right way to say it, it isn't so much that it wrecks my mood as it is that when I think about whether H really means what he says about wanting back, I don't know why he doesn't "pursue" me like he did/does her. Granted that is a totally unhealthy relationship so maybe I shouldn't aim for the type of contact they have/had....I know in the DB books they see pursuing as a negative but in my case I would enjoy a little of it....
Lizzy thanks for your advice too. I agree, if H really wants back I will know it. In college whenever we took "a break", H would eventually come around/call and say he wanted us to be "us" again. It will take more than words this time, but if he wants it he will let me know, he is a big, capable boy and I need to remember that...
Also, H just called. The kids were kissing his picture goodnight (sweet/sad!) and asking for him. So we called his cell but got VM. Both kids said good night and love you and then I hung it up. Anyway that was an hour ago. H called 15 min. ago, both kids were asleep. He and I talked about my potential new job, his new truck, my foot situation (going to orthopedic doctor next week), Nate's day at school, just normal stuff. At the end I said don't know if kids will get to talk to you tomorrow night either, since we have church and it doesn't let out till 8:30, they may fall asleep in the car. He said, "Just call me". I said, "Yeah, we can do that. We tried to tonight." H acted totally amazed, said there were no messages on his cell phone...H took his parents on a drive in his new truck to visit his friend Nathan. Nathan lives in the middle of nowhere rural Iowa so there is no cell reception. Guess H didn't get the message yet. So anyway I said, "Oh, I figured you already got their message. You can listen to it later then." He sounded glad about that.
Anyway that meant he called to talk to me not knowing the kids had called him. Thought maybe he was returning our call but guess not. Don't know where it fits into my tough love to have friendly conversations w/H, but I did. No ILY, no R talk WHATSOEVER. It is no longer my reponsibility to bring it up, if he wants it he'll do it. So I figure no harm done just chatting w/him, since he is clear it can't be more than that at this point. (Hope that made sense) If any of you pros think I shouldn't have chit chat w/H, let me know. I know in some places it says ONLY engage in convo. re. kids, but I also kind of want him to know I am getting along just fine w/him gone....And at this point I actually am!
Going to work this week on just living my life, getting the house clean and closer to ready to sell. Thought we'd have less laundry w/out H here but I have 2 more loads to fold tonight...lifestyles of the exciting housewives If I can truly keep up knowing that H is the one who needs to get it together and I need to just keep on keepin on it should lower my stress level for sure!!
Anyway again don't know the right way to say it, it isn't so much that it wrecks my mood as it is that when I think about whether H really means what he says about wanting back, I don't know why he doesn't "pursue" me like he did/does her. Granted that is a totally unhealthy relationship so maybe I shouldn't aim for the type of contact they have/had....I know in the DB books they see pursuing as a negative but in my case I would enjoy a little of it....