Hey everyone. Had an amazing day yesterday, but I will post later on it...just wanted to respond to everyone here first.
Quoting SBH-SAM:Are you guys in C? Any good books on "marrying your 1st love?" or something like that? It's got to be a common difficulty, that wondering if there might be more. I still don't believe there is, but some people come to different conclusions...
We are not in C. My W was for a while (during her A) and I joined a couple of times, but it didn't help too much. In fact, my W continued her belligerence and there was no getting through to her at that point. We just kind of stopped. And frankly, I don't really have a problem with that. In terms of books, I never even thought to look, so I have no clue. Hmmm...
Quoting holdingon:I haven't taken the time to read through your sitch (sorry, very tired and depressed today...). When did your wife leave and when did she come back and what if anything did you do/not do that prompted her to come back?
Hey holdingon. I say my W left in a figurative sense. She always lived at home, but was mentally gone for about a year. After I found out about her A, post two months of DBing, was when she began to "come home." I think I sometimes cause confusion with this because you're not the first to ask. Thanks for coming by...
Quoting Sue:Positive generates positive...
I agree, Sue, and need to focus on this... Thanks.
Char, with the "disappointed" thing, it doesn't bother me as much as it may have come across in my post. I was kind of being silly with the whole mother/guilt thing. It does bite a little, but I would probably feel the same way she does. It's cool.
Quoting Char:I think going back to assessing W's actions instead of her words is a good idea. Right? It's about winning YOU back? If you're feeling icky, work on you?
Agreed. She has been "showing" me she's trying. It's like JJ says, feelings can change from one moment to the next, so it's best not to focus so much on what's being said in the heat of the moment...
Quoting Char:oh, btw ~ i'm psyched you told her you snooped. does W know about lies by omission? has W agreed to not do that? i worry that you saying "don't ever lie to me again" would serve to distance W like you're some kind of authoritarian? I wonder what she'd say if you asked her about that?
My W said she wouldn't lie to me again, but she didn't seem very convincing. That's why I feel there are things she's not telling me. And it's not that I think she's cheating on me any longer. It's more about her feelings or things that may have transpired in the past that she's not telling me. In terms of acting authoritarian...yes, I did that... And I'm sure my W probably didn't care for it, but you know what, I'm sick of the BS. I cannot remain with someone that does this, Char. So was there a "hidden" threat? Kind of...sorry to say...
Thanks for coming by everyone. My next post will be...interesting... How's that for a teaser?
jethro -- hmmm...can't wait to read the next post!
Quoting jethro: My W said she wouldn't lie to me again, but she didn't seem very convincing. That's why I feel there are things she's not telling me. And it's not that I think she's cheating on me any longer. It's more about her feelings or things that may have transpired in the past that she's not telling me. In terms of acting authoritarian...yes, I did that... And I'm sure my W probably didn't care for it, but you know what, I'm sick of the BS. I cannot remain with someone that does this, Char. So was there a "hidden" threat? Kind of...sorry to say...
so...this is where I am stuck most of the time. h has lied to me in the past -- not just the a. but other stuff too. some of it has been outright lying and some of it is lying of omission. I know for certain that there were some things that I probed him on/asked about that were none of my business or that I made FAR too much my business or that I made a big deal of...and I'm sorry for that....so, I guess I can see how he would feel as though he wanted to hide things from me for fear of my reaction or to keep himself seperate. NOW, though, post-a and post all of the crap, it tears me up to think that we will never get to the point where he can be honest with me ... I can't say for certain that he isn't -- it's just this voice in my head that says "is it really even remotely possible that these two people who carried on a secret affair for 6+ months just NEVER had contact again after I said not too?"
arrgh. Yes, it was wrong of me to threaten to tell her h. if they spoke again but that was 7 months of hell ago. I'm here. I haven't told anyone anything. is it time to be honest about the way that things really ended?
or, if not this....when? what will we be really honest about?
wow. hijacked your thread. Sorry
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Sage, no prob on the hijaak. I think, in a way, our Ses can't trust that we're going to react rationally to the irrational things they have done and said. Frankly, and I believe this is what my W felt, she was simply scared of my reaction and whether it would set us back. Perhaps that's what your H thinks, Sage?
