Hanging On To What I Believe In - 2

[ba065]

Hi all!

I had a pretty good day off Friday. Didn't make the movie as S21 showed up and surprised me...but I had a good morning and went shopping. Got some size 6 jeans...(WOW) I haven't been that size since Jr. High School!

Rough weekend around here. I think it was more me being emotional than anything else. H and I did have a good talk a couple of times. He's still on the fence...surprise surprise....but he realizes what a history we have had together and even though "he has feelings for someone else" he does have feelings for me too. He says he's not going anywhere but still needs his time alone....which translates into he's still seeing MOW and talking to her on the phone in his room. He stood S21 and I up for lunch on Friday because he met MOW. That ticked me off, but I confronted him on it (I know not a good DB move) and he did admit it.

We took S21 out to dinner both Friday and Saturday night. Had a pleasant time. Went biking with H Saturday but I was zonked after 18.5 miles....fortunately S picked me up and H went another 8 without me. Church on Sunday and H went biking alone (he wanted to ride faster...he did another 14). He came home and I was lying down...he came upstairs and napped with me for an hour and a half. It was nice just to lay together. I broke down and cried...sobbed actually....and when he asked me what was wrong, I just let it all out....(I know...bad DBing). But he listened and said he was glad to know how I felt and it was okay to express myself...???? It didn't change anything, but he knows how I feel for a change and I guess I felt better releasing some of my anxiety on him. One thing H said to me last night hit me funny. He said that we're both kinda lost right now. Funny because I wouldn't be lost if it weren't for him and his behavior, but true because I need to figure out who I am just me, myself and I....so it was a weird moment to hear that.

Found out today that a very close friend died of cancer this morning. I was very upset, but worried about telling H...as this person was very close to him. He took the news very hard...this friend was only 52 and found out about the cancer 3 weeks ago. H decided we should go back home (IL) for the funeral. We're waiting on the arrangements so we can decide if we're going to fly or drive back...probably later in the week. I'm glad H wants to go home...we'll be able to see our parents and family back there and all of our old friends. Maybe this will jog H's memory of us together in the past? Maybe he'll realize how precious life is and how much time he is wasting.???

I hope and pray this tragedy will bring something positive into our lives together. I so want my old life back.

I'll be catching up on all your posts in the next few days...hope everyone is doing well....and thanks for your messages!

Hugs!!

BA