Hi everyone, I have a thread (several!) over on MLC becuase my partner of 9 years walked out pretty suddenly (it was about 2 months from when he first spoke up to when he ended it but he refused to discuss it in this time, just IDLYA). He was very very guilt ridden, couldnt explain, couldnt look me in the eye, all that stuff. I cried and wailed and begged for 2 months every time I saw him or spoke up until Christmas where we had a very awkward meetng where he said he hated himself for hurting me and literally couldnt speak to me. So he didnt, for a month.
He then moved into a flat 26 Jan and had to come get some stuff. Gradually we have been more in contact, it started with a few text messages, then the odd email, a couple of visits to see me (!). We are now up to multiple contact a day - 6 emails today ! BUT, nothing has been said that is R related or emotional, since 22 December and then it was all coming from me! In his communications with me now, its all just friendly and neutral topics.
My question is...is this how reconciliation starts out? Its driving me mad that he IS contacting me so much yet acting as though we are just friends. He wont tell me where he lives still. He never asks what I have been up to. He does ask questions though, just not personal ones. In all of your experiences, should I be encouraged by this bland, friendly banter, is this how it started for you before you got to piecing??
Thanks so much for taking the time to read my sitch, if you do ! THe latest one is a bit drama laden and angsty as I have been reaching the end of my rope this week and letting the not knowing get to me. latest today
Welcome Ali! I have followed your sitch and I think it is great that he is making so much contact. I have had problems with being just friends too. Everything between my H and I seemed completely platonic. I wasn't sure how to take it to that next level and I'm still not sure...but I do think we have to start out as friends.
You both have to learn to be comfortable around each other again, and the only way to do that is to be friends. He is probably feeling you out also...for all he knows, you wouldn't give him the time of day for the way he acted. Friends is a great sign. It is hard because we are so eager for physical attention ...but they need time. I am finding this is a SLOW process.
I didnt get much response over here..guess everyones busy making hay with their returned WAS! I dont blame them...
I got a sign!..I found out that he thinks he's not sure he made the right decision! But then..nothing. Still friends. At least he got me a birthday present! I wasnt expecting that. But yes, its so easy to get frustrated and think...why cant you just hurry up and rush back into my arms, but so far, status is still "over".
I have still kept up with your thread Ali. I don't get a whole lot of response over here either...have even thought about moving back to the separated forum.
Happy B'day! I think he is showing very positive signs. It is easy to get frustrated. Think baby steps. It seems he emails you a lot and even remembered your b'day...even went to the trouble to get you a present.
Ah thanks Klm! You made me feel better about the lack of activity over here! And thanks for keeping up with my thread, I do yours too! Theres so many of us... Yes, he has been contacting me pretty much daily for the past 5 weeks I think, apart from the odd day here and there (usually Mondays!). He went to the doctor today and I am really curious as to why. I would like to think he got diagnosed with depression, but maybe not. It may not help our sitch, but it would help him. See what tommorow brings I guess. I miss him so much.
Ali
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
Wow...really? I hear this and I think we are friends, and we always were (and for 3 years before we got together). What I am interested in, is there anything I can do to make it "safe" for him to cross that threshold of just friends to being brave enough to speak honestly to me? At the moment, we go for lunch, we went to a museum, we shared a 4 hour car journey home and back.. we are comfortable enough around each other whilst both playing a role, and all this stuff goes unsaid. I guess it just might be that way for a while? I am patient but I worry that he is stuck and very very afraid to speak up at all. Does the LBS just have to wait for the WAS to get to the point of being brave enough to actually say something real, honest, revealing?
Well.... it can be tricky. Pursuit can scare a WAS off. Time and positive interactions tend to help build a feeling of safety and allow for communication. You want to ensure there are plenty of positive interactions, feelings and memories built up before tackling R issues. That way the negative (whether real or self-created) is a more distant memory.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
Hi there...that makes perfect sense, so thankyou. We have been slowly building contact again, but its still very much all on his terms. Theres been a change today though, a major one. He emailed me to say he had been to the doctors and is diagnosed with depression and that he is on anti-depressants. He said he had to go as he was very low and wasnt sure "where it was going to end up", which sounds very serious. He said he had been feeling this way for years "as you well know" - as I did! I tried to tell him when he left me that I thought he had depression, but he insisted that he didnt.
So now, I;m not sure what the chances are of us reconciling, but at least he has opened up and been honest at last, with me and with himself, which is amazing. But now what? My instinct is to reach out to him if he feels that low, but I guess thats not the right thing to do DB wise, but maybe that changes in the face of his depression?? Or maybe not. Its a confusing time alright !
Ali
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
LBS is easy, in that all you have to do is get used to not being around the person you love. Piecing...now you have to walk a tightrope, or on eggshells.
In this, do what you are capable of doing, do what you are comfortable doing, do what you can repsect yourself for doing. Dialogue leads to friendship.
You guys want to be friends...but reality is, right now you really aren't. You both are feeling each other out, seeing if that could happen down the road.
If you can forgive, then this is easier down the road, it becomes possible.
As confusing as this is for you right now...this is the first step of MANY that you need to take for a real reconcilliation.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
...but they need time. I am finding this is a SLOW process.