On my way to work I sent H a TM, just said "I need some space from you right now. I realized last night that I keep giving you my heart completely and you keep breaking it. Don't know how to trust you anymore & I couldn't take any more betrayals from you"
H was taken quite by surprise since we just had such a "nice" weekend (going on a date, kissing, etc). He sent back a somewhat startled response, "OK? Anything specific last night or just general screwed up situation reasons" I am sure he was thinking WTF since I was so accepting and warm over the weekend.
I replied, "I trusted when you said it was over before but it turned out to be a lie. Thursday I find out you are still cheating & the consequence I give is to have a date w/you? You keep hurting me and I make it easy for you...I want to trust you but I don't feel I can, so I need to be cautious"
Anyway I don't plan to send him a single other message unless the kids are dying. I have said that before but this time it HAS to be real. I felt bad at first about the change in my behavior from last night because I imagine he thought things were "ok", at least partly, with me, because I acted that way over the weekend. Even though what I am doing is not anything I have ever done before, I KNOW it is right even if it doesn't feel right.
Guys, please keep reminding me: 1)H has cheated on me multiple times 2)H said this A ended in November, then said it ended at New Years, but it was (is?) still going on as of Thursday 3)A few key phrases I need to remember from his e-mail: *I can't stop lying to you *I hate women *You trust me and I keep kicking (figuratively!) you
H said in the letter--and by the way, it is a sad letter. H has been unhappy for so long I don't think the attempt was entirely to be manipulative, I think he is just kind of pathetic right now. No handle on his life/himself and only he can get one back, I can't do it for him....Anyway H said in his letter that he loves me, always has even with what he has done. H says he wants me to trust him again and to be patient with him. But instead of focusing on that (I have such a soft heart!), help me remember the things I listed above. He is basically asking my help while simultaneously warning me he is dangerous to me...
There is a folktale I remember where a poisonous snake asked a crocodile for a ride across a river. Croc says no, you will bite me. Snake says no way silly, then you drown and we both die. Halfway across river the snake bites croc. Crock says "WTF? Now we will both die..." Snake says, "I can't help it, in my nature I am a snake..."
Is THAT my H, too?? I sure hope not. I hope he is capable of change. But I don't want to be the "croc" who finds out he isn't.
Hope that isn't too melodramatic. And if I am too negative right now you guys will let me know. I want to be solution-oriented, but I don't know the solution. For 10 years I have "loved" this man to death, bent over backwards to help him, forgive him, whatever you want to call it.....I have fought like HELL to keep my family together. You can see where it has gotten me. He actually told the counselor in Jan. that when I say I am strong to stay in the M despite his failures, he doesn't get that, he thinks I am weak to put up w/this stuff....
So, back to the question from late last night,,,,
WHAT DO I DO?
I told him in the TM that I need space from him, that I can't trust him to be honest, that my past actions basically REWARDED his bad behavior. So now what? I have 2 kids with him (and ultimately I DO want the M if it can be the type of M I want it to be, and yes I have created a detailed description of what that M would look like for me) so b/c of the kids we have to have some contact. What should that look like? In Kalni's case she seemed to approach those interactions w/a quiet confidence, upbeat attitude. I don't know if that is right in my case. At the same time, if the ultimate goal is to re-build M from the ground up, don't know what H would want with a W who is negative, angry, etc. all the time in his presence. Anyway bottom line I NEED to draw this line but I don't know the specifics of how it should look/sound/feel??
Thanks! This is something I clearly have never done before so I am going to need help.... And remind me that if the M fails, it ISN'T because I finally put my foot down I know better but still.....
Yes, Doug is a family man and so is Nathan. With my H moved back home, his most frequent companions will be those two guys, and H's dad. So hopefully the change (down here his friends were bachelors or divorced guys/gals who loved the bar scene) will do him good...
BBj, I like the way you sound. You will figure it out. You have time on your side.
My case was different. I did a 180 because I was such a b&^h (female dog) all the time. I went back to my real self. I got some rest, I got practical worries OUT of my head and felt relaxed after many years. And he saw what he was missing...
You need to get your goals straight and then figure out what to do. Use the book regarding goals setting. I am sure it will be helpful. Maybe some oldtimers on the boards can help you here.
Take it slow... For the time being be strict about "the space" you need.
I would like suggestions (I know, more suggestions!) on what kind of goals to set. I already made a description of the H/M I want for MC:
1)I want an H who respects me and shows it by doing what he says, honoring commitments made, treating me with respect in word and action. For example, I need words of affirmation so I need a H who can say "I love you", hug me, kiss me, make time in his day for me even if some days it is only 15 minutes before bed b/c he has had other things going on....
2)I want a M where both parties can openly share their feelings without worrying about the reaction of the other. I want to have TRUST and LOVE and COMMITMENT as the foundation. To know that if one of us is going through a tough time, the other will shoulder the load, b/c that is what commitment means, sticking to it when times are tough (and I mean like when we thought our D had brain cancer and needed MRI's at 6 months, or the 3 times S was hospitalized w/dehydration from ear infections before he was 18 mos., NOT tough times like oops I am screwing someone else again )
3)I want us to be able to pursue our own interests/hobbies, but to also be just as committed to each other
4)I want us to do an equal job in the parenting, I don't want to always be assumed to be the one who is watching the kids while my H does whatever he wants and just figures I will take care of things.
Are those the goals you mean or do you mean my particular situation at the moment type goals? Like
1)H must openly admit he is wrong, he has been wrong, he has been a total idiot/fool for f'ing up in our M. Not a list of "poor me I am so lost" reasons why he strayed, a real, responsible, "Honestly there is no excuse for what I have done to you time and time again and I see no reason you should ever want me again, but I want to work hard until you do" type of apology.
Are either of those kinds of goals what you mean????I will have to re-read the book....
How about some goals that YOU can meet, no matter what H does or doesn't do? Things YOU can control?
Very well said. I think you need to come up with smaller goals with time lines that you can control. You also might want to make some time limits of when you expect certain things to be changing in your H.
For personal goals, would that include getting a full-time teaching job for next year, finding a place to live (when I first move to Iowa I will be living at my parents' house, but after I get some money i will rent a place), stuff like that? I am already working with an IC to increase my self-confidence and independence.....
Also, please continue to advise me re. how to treat H at this time. I know I need to "take care of me" and the kids, but I also want to know how to deal w/h. I am getting the vibe that the tough love thing is the best course but curious how that should play out, how tough is tough, what about the kids, etc...
Anyway my goals are few right now, get a job and start taking care of myself and my kids as best I can. Don't like the idea of single parenting but guess I am "shared" parenting at this point if I refuse to interact w/H...
Let's think about BobbiJo a bit? What does she liek to do for fun, other than slip and slide on the ice? Are there any goals that youcould make that are just about you being you?
As far as you H goes, that's tricky. He seems to be serious, but that's nothing new, right? So this time, you are saying, I'll believe it when I see it. That's hard to argue with. At the same time, you don't want your reticence to drive hime away. So, it seems to me that you need to try to continue to have pleasant interactions, but there need to be boundaries, as well. The trick in my mind will be figuring out where to draw the line. The thing I think you need to keep clear is that you are not "punishing" him for what he is done, you are protecting yourself from being hurt until you feel you can trust him. I don't know if that helps at all....I hope Kalni shows up! She seems to have a way of understnding these these things!
Jeff is a smart man. Focus on what makes BBJ happy. Find something you love to do and do it. Make a list of the things that make you special and believe in them. Focus on being the person you want to be and act as if you have it all together.
Focus on detaching. Think about the things you need before you let him back in. Don't do it unless he shows changes for a sustained period of time.
Seriously, BBJ you need to keep to this line in the sand. Just because it feels nice to hold him and sleep with him don't slip backwards. You need to be strong. I know full well that it is easier said that done, but you have to be strong for yourself.
Think the model you are setting for your kids. Would you want someone to take advantage of them and treat them the way your husband is treating you?
Here is the thing. I am pretty sure I have Bobbi Jo all figured out except for how she handles her M and her H. I have been going to an IC for a few months to help me get Bobbi Jo back to being herself.
Goals included:
1)Moving forward professionally--I was just deciding to go back to teaching after being at home 18 months
2)Getting more of a social life w/friends
3)Getting into running again to run a 10K this summer
4)Getting more involved w/my spiritual/Christian development
Progress in the last 3 months
1)Got back into subbing, now I am in a long-term job to the end of the year with all the "real" teaching responsibilities. Also went on an interview last week for a full-time teaching job
2)Doing more socializing including going to CA w/my sister in Feb, lined up some outings with friends back in Iowa starting in April, doing things with a married couple we are friends with too.
3)Can't really run b/c of broken foot but that will happen again as soon as possible. Belong to the Y here and will join in Iowa when I move
4)Stopped listening to so much talk radio and started listening to Calvary Chapel radio again, they pretty much run messages from pastors from all over the country all day long. Also joined a small group message-based study group at church. We meet each Wed. to talk about the week's message (sermon). Also signed on to be an Usher 1 Saturday per month. This also helped meet my goal to socialize...
In addition I have bought some new clothes for teaching, got my hair highlighted, etc. so am happy w/how BJ looks on the outside. In terms of job satisfaction, social life, family life (kids anyway), I am pretty satisfied. The M/mess with H is the only real concern I have right now. Which is probably why I focus on it, it is the only real "project" I have left....
Anyway just trying to say that I have been doing work on Bobbi Jo. Our MC said when it comes to personal progress I had made major strides. She said that for example on a scale of 100 she felt I had moved from a 20 to an 80. My H said he started at a 10, she asked where he felt he was on personal development after 3 months, he said still at a 10 maybe 20 at best.....So part of the problem is that I HAVE made a lot of gains and he hasn't "caught up" to me....
I know better but still.....
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