On my way to work I sent H a TM, just said "I need some space from you right now. I realized last night that I keep giving you my heart completely and you keep breaking it. Don't know how to trust you anymore & I couldn't take any more betrayals from you"
H was taken quite by surprise since we just had such a "nice" weekend (going on a date, kissing, etc). He sent back a somewhat startled response, "OK? Anything specific last night or just general screwed up situation reasons" I am sure he was thinking WTF since I was so accepting and warm over the weekend.
I replied, "I trusted when you said it was over before but it turned out to be a lie. Thursday I find out you are still cheating & the consequence I give is to have a date w/you? You keep hurting me and I make it easy for you...I want to trust you but I don't feel I can, so I need to be cautious"
Anyway I don't plan to send him a single other message unless the kids are dying. I have said that before but this time it HAS to be real. I felt bad at first about the change in my behavior from last night because I imagine he thought things were "ok", at least partly, with me, because I acted that way over the weekend. Even though what I am doing is not anything I have ever done before, I KNOW it is right even if it doesn't feel right.
Guys, please keep reminding me: 1)H has cheated on me multiple times 2)H said this A ended in November, then said it ended at New Years, but it was (is?) still going on as of Thursday 3)A few key phrases I need to remember from his e-mail: *I can't stop lying to you *I hate women *You trust me and I keep kicking (figuratively!) you
H said in the letter--and by the way, it is a sad letter. H has been unhappy for so long I don't think the attempt was entirely to be manipulative, I think he is just kind of pathetic right now. No handle on his life/himself and only he can get one back, I can't do it for him....Anyway H said in his letter that he loves me, always has even with what he has done. H says he wants me to trust him again and to be patient with him. But instead of focusing on that (I have such a soft heart!), help me remember the things I listed above. He is basically asking my help while simultaneously warning me he is dangerous to me...
There is a folktale I remember where a poisonous snake asked a crocodile for a ride across a river. Croc says no, you will bite me. Snake says no way silly, then you drown and we both die. Halfway across river the snake bites croc. Crock says "WTF? Now we will both die..." Snake says, "I can't help it, in my nature I am a snake..."
Is THAT my H, too?? I sure hope not. I hope he is capable of change. But I don't want to be the "croc" who finds out he isn't.
Hope that isn't too melodramatic. And if I am too negative right now you guys will let me know. I want to be solution-oriented, but I don't know the solution. For 10 years I have "loved" this man to death, bent over backwards to help him, forgive him, whatever you want to call it.....I have fought like HELL to keep my family together. You can see where it has gotten me. He actually told the counselor in Jan. that when I say I am strong to stay in the M despite his failures, he doesn't get that, he thinks I am weak to put up w/this stuff....
So, back to the question from late last night,,,,
WHAT DO I DO?
I told him in the TM that I need space from him, that I can't trust him to be honest, that my past actions basically REWARDED his bad behavior. So now what? I have 2 kids with him (and ultimately I DO want the M if it can be the type of M I want it to be, and yes I have created a detailed description of what that M would look like for me) so b/c of the kids we have to have some contact. What should that look like? In Kalni's case she seemed to approach those interactions w/a quiet confidence, upbeat attitude. I don't know if that is right in my case. At the same time, if the ultimate goal is to re-build M from the ground up, don't know what H would want with a W who is negative, angry, etc. all the time in his presence. Anyway bottom line I NEED to draw this line but I don't know the specifics of how it should look/sound/feel??
Thanks! This is something I clearly have never done before so I am going to need help.... And remind me that if the M fails, it ISN'T because I finally put my foot down I know better but still.....
I know better but still.....
