Thanks for checking in. The session was uncomfortable because the MC became suddenly very ill in the middle of the session and was not able to complete the meeting. This was hard because we were in the middle of some difficult and tender pieces and did not really get to close or see any of it through. It wasn't a very optimistic piece that we were in the midst of when she took ill, either. A very unusual event, to be sure, but I feel incredibly sad right now.
W. and I both felt uncomfortable, and had a bite to eat afterwards. I found myself feeling nauseous the whole time. I was looking at her trying to memorize everything about the moment, because I feel like I'll never share this again with her. Just trying to soak up what her face looks like. I just got a sense from W. that this is really over for her. She was referring to our relationship in the past tense ("we used to...").
MC was checking to see where we were at: if we believed that it could be re-engaged because one aspect had gradually eroded (which I think MC believes) or if it really was done for W. W. said she wasn't sure because the connection felt very good in so many ways but wasn't able to articulate quite what she did want...and said she wondered know if she was "dragging it out". She said she was "waiting to see how things unfold"...but it felt to me like she really is done. I could be reading too strongly into this, but I really feel devastated right now.
I said that having her in a relationship with me out of guilt really wouldn't be what I want, nor to put pressure on her.
I feel completely distressed and hopeless right now. As we parted today, W. said, "have a good week...talk to you later". No plans to see each other though. Next MC is one week. I wanted so desperately to say how much I yearn to be with her, miss her, love her. I wanted to hold her so much. Oh, I can't tell you how powerful and awful this felt--I felt like I was dying inside with that going on and trying to remain somewhat together.
I feel this is so futile and miss her so much that I physically feel pain inside. This is so hard, I feel terribly broken hearted. I have never felt such an swful sense of missing someone before. I feel so hopeless, like this is all over. I can't tell how to read any of this anymore. I feel SO empty and hurting.
