Hey everyone... Well, not sure if I blew it or not, but I couldn't live with my guilty conscience any longer. I'm honest-Jethro. Lotta good it does me... So, tonight I began feeling paranoid again 'cuz my W went out for a bit (which seemed like too long). Felt the same way last night, but didn't really say anything. Tonight she could tell something was on my mind. I just can't hide anything from her...or perhaps I want her to press me??? In any case, I started by saying she's gonna be mad, but I had to admit to something. So, I told her that I had snooped a couple of times and read that she had seem OM, but lied to me the other night. Her reaction was...interesting... She wasn't happy I snooped, but remained calm. She tried to give me some BS about how she hasn't had contact with OM, that she's been running a couple of times and he's honked his horn at her, but they never talked. Whatever! Contact is contact. So, I told her NEVER to lie to me again...and that I've been lied to enough already. She agreed to tell me if she saw OM again...then apologized a little later in the conversation.

I also apologized for snooping and was very frank about admitting it was wrong. I asked her if she was mad and she said no, but disappointed. Ouch, I hate that word. That's one of those ones my mom used on me when I was a kid. Hell, I'd rather she yell at me...

In any case, I'm not sure what she's really thinking. She did seem kind of understanding, which threw me off. But I'm not sure she's really telling me what she's thinking. We didn't talk about it too long. BTW, Char, I did offer to setup a password if it would make her feel better... She didn't respond.

So, lately things seem to be dredging up for me quite a bit and I'm not really sure why. The last few weeks have been brutal. I've tried to put on a happy face, tried to shut up, but "things" keep happening to bring us back to an R talk. Kind of like external events that are reminders to the two of us of her A. In a way, for me I think these events are catalysts to drive me through some post-A evolutionary process...like I'm feeling that last of the real shi!!y feelings and just working the worst of them out of my system. My W, on the other hand, although seemingly very supportive, may be getting burned out. This is not good...and I'm not sure how to handle it really. I can't help this nagging feeling in the back of my head that's telling me she's not being honest with her feelings...at least in how they are conveyed to me. I still feel like she thinks I'm just a good friend and will always be so...that she's missing out on "true love."

Damn. There is just so much sh!t to sift through...so much...

Quoting SBH:
everyone after age 30 has a lot of baggage
Yeah. It was bad enough at 20!

Quoting KAW:
Sorry I missed all that you went thru here lately, but I don't believe I could have offered anything of value above the great advise you had already received.
Ah...KAW, my friend. No prob. You've had your hands full.

Quoting LR23:
"Put one foot in front of the other...and soon you'll be walking very far."
Dang it, LR, now you've got that song stuck in my head! Besides, are you sure that was Rudolf? I thought it was Santa Clause is Coming to Town!

Quoting longhaul:
Go back to no ILY, no OR talks, lovingly detach, no mention of A or OM, make her miss wonderful you.
This might be the answer...but I'm not entirely sure. In my situation, doing some of this will likely help.

Quoting SBH-SAM:
Yup, if she's got that nagging feeling about "not having enough experience" she has to work that through herself. I'll pray she does it with YOU!
Yes, I have no control and it's her deal to work out. This should be my mantra (which is something KAW recommended I do when I found out about her A).

Take'r easy, guys...and thanks...

jethro