Trixi movin' on up...

[Trixi]

Finally- a little bit of a R talk. yeah, anti DB, but not talking about it doesn't seem like a good option either.
So, H stayed over last night and this morning we were outside and there were a TON of birds. (We both love birds.)
Backstory-The landlord plans to cut down a bunch of trees for a short plat he is doing and it is going to affect the look and feel of the property-a 20 foot road is going to be right up to a corner of a gazebo, a huge japanese maple is being removed. I have first right of refusal to purchase at the end of my lease, but I don't know if I will want to- a lot will depend on how the now road changes things. End Backstory.
H says "if you decide you want to buy, how much does the landlord want?" and I tell him how much, but that I don't know *what* I am going to do at the end of Dec. I started to tear up and get upset. Part was because I don't know where H and I will be, part is that regardless, I don't even know if I will still want the house- so I feel like more than likely, I am going to HAVE to move in under a year. I don't like moving. I feel unmoored right now.

H asks why the tears; I basically say that I wish I knew how things would be at the end of December; but that I guess it's ok not to know. I had to leave; he stayed and took a shower.

I called later to make it clear it was NOT just about the uncertainty of US, it was also how the property would seem, etc. He said that he sometimes feels selfish and bad for pursuing the music thing; that he hasn't closed the door on us getting back together; that he thinks we need each other (to a degree) right now, but that we also need to stand on our own. He just doesn't want to invest the energy (right now) in making the marriage work. I said it sounds like he wants a sabatical from the marriage and he laughed and said "yeah, that's a good way to put it". I said that I am probably more understanding than he realizes and he said "oh no- I *know* you are being understanding and I really appreciate it."

He said he sometimes feels guilty because he said he wanted to be done, and now he has changed his mind and that he knows that most everyone would say that he should just stop seeing me and be 'done with it' and that it might seem like he is leading me on,but he isn't- he is confused. I said, "the only reason you should feel guilty is if you KNOW that you are done and you are just using me as the stop gap" and he said "that's not the case."

He talked about how in the past we drifted apart, he gave up and decided to go in a different direction. I did say that *if* we decided to reconcile, i still thought retrovaille would really help us communicate and really deal with the past and move forward. He actually didn't seem turned off by the comment.

He also talked about how he had his son at 24, was divorced by 30, moved out here, got a job and tried to fast track his career and that he just felt like 'now' was his chance to do what HE wanted. That he knows it is selfish, but that's what he wants to do.

He is figuring that we will be doing some talking about the R and getting to know each other better/again on the trip to Costa Rica. IOW, sounds like he is expecting CR to shed some light on where we are headed. Wow, way to put expectations on the trip- yikes.

I was glad that he a)seemed to *want* to talk about our R and b)wants to continue the dialogue once we have an extended period of time together.

Oh, after we hung up from that conversation, he called me back to talk about other stuff and when we were hanging up he (accidentally, I'm sure) said "love you" and i said "i love you too". I guess I could have just said "bye" and let it pass without comment, but...oh well, what's done is done.